I'll never be free!!

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i'm sorry, but i have ALOT of venting to do.... i'm not really close w alot of ppl & i feel like im wearing down the ONE friend that i confide all of this to... i feel like my story is no different than alot of others i have read here so far~


mom & i haVe never ghad a great relationship (we argue/but heads constantly).. i moved to NC about 3 yrs ago, moving her here 1 yr after me.. BIGGEST MISTAKE EVVVVEEERRRR~~~~ now i feel as though i am stuck!! her health has severly declined, & she's been admitted in & out of hosps,. rehabs, etc. shes been 'screened' for MH issues, argues w EVERYONE that she encounters. she is verbally absusive to me and yet i am the ONLY ONE that is there to help her. i am SICK of being her TARGET.. i work 2 jobs = 7 days a week and STILL have to help take care of her as well. i DID NOT SIGN UP for this!!! and mixed w UNDIAGNOSED MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES does not help the situation @ all.. i feel like i have given up MY life to (be ABUSED).. bc she is so unhappy in her own life~ she wishes to die (due to arthritis & neuropathy pain) and i think we'll all be better off when she does (may God help me).. i dont wanna sound selfish ~ but when is enough enough??

11 Comments

Spend some time cruising through the old articles. Many of us are or have been in your exact situation of feeling hopeless and with no friends and no way out!! It is so hard to keep on going when you are having all your energy sucked out of your soul by a negative, ungrateful, demanding, unrealistic elder.

First, hang on to that last friend as if they are the air you breath. You will need that friend. I learned the hard way of chasing friends and relatives away by using them as your venting board. When we are surrounded by constant negativity, we act and sound the same way as the elder although we do not realize it. Find only positive things to talk about. Make sure that you find stuff to talk about that is not about your mother.

Sounds like you need to look for resources that can help you find some respite and help. You need to look after your own sanity and heath to survive. I am not by any means an expert, but you have come to a great place to VENT, find info and support.
So many of us are in the same boat. It feels so alone until you meet all the rest of us. It would be nice to really tell people how we feel, but we end up pulling our punches. If it gets too bad, we can always look for other options... if we can get them to go. That is so much easier said than done.

Welcome to the group. Talking about it makes everything not so serious.
Welcome, TaureanMe.

Many of us are in the position of having moved closer to an aging parent, or moving the parent closer to us, only to find that it was way more than we bargained for. I am in the same boat. My mother isn't abusive, but she has a very different expectation of the relationship than I have. My intention was to be nearby in the case of an emergency and to offer whatever help I felt moved to offer out of caring and concern. Her intention was/is to have me at her beck and call, to use my energy to continue the lifestyle and amenities she had when she was still able to manage them herself.

On one hand, it was a mistake to move your mother close to you, but even if you knew then what you know now, what else could you have done? If there was another alternative, maybe think how that could be put in place now. For example, if your mother can afford paid help, maybe she should hire people to help her and take some of the pressure off you. If she has other help in place, you can stop taking her calls for a while, or take a vacation from her from time to time.

Also, keep reminding yourself that you don't have to let yourself be abused. You are entitled to stand up for yourself and establish the terms upon which you will engage in a relationship, even if it's your mother, even if she's old and sick. You can walk out the door, hang up the phone, and remove yourself from abusive conduct until she gets the message that it's not acceptable to you. You don't need to be a doormat just because you're helping somebody who needs your help. I highly recommend seeking out a competent therapist to help you work through these issues and the web of feelings they bring up. Good luck!
Dear TaureanMe,

I'm so sorry you feel this way. You've learned and read that this caregiving job is not easy. There is no instruction manual. It is hard, challenging, and the best take away is that you are helping someone else. Sometimes if feels like it is killing you.

It's best to talk out your feelings. There's lots of folks on this forum who understand. Listen to them and glean from it what you can. Also take care of yourself which is a lot harder than you think.

I don't have a lot of advice for you, but feel good about what you are doing.

Lots of hugs to you and I understand--
LastOne
Is your mom in a facility? Or still in her home or your home? You clearly need some distance from her. Many folks with the Mommies From Hell withdraw to various degrees to,preserve their own Heath and sanity. If she is in a facilty you do not have to visit her or listen to her rants. You can oversee her care from a distance without letting her put you through the ringer constantly. Think about it...
I'd say that you are waaaaay past "enough." You did not sign up for this. Why are you still doing it?

If you just want to vent, that is OK. Sounds like you have a ton of things to vent over. If you want some serious advice, perhaps you should start a new thread and ask a specific question that you want opinions about.

Hang in there!
" we'll all be better off " Who is the we? Is there another person there beyond just you and your mom?

Would your mother qualify for medicaid? Would it be possible to get her out of your house?

One thing for sure, the next time she goes to the hospital tell the people that you cannot take her back home.

Who is taking care of her while you are at work?

How bad are her mobility problems that you mention in your profile?

Don't loose your friend by overloading them. You need a more objective person who can give you guidance like a social worker.

Keep venting and keep coming back.
Just a thought....could her pain be causing a lot of her mental issues? If untreated, or not treated properly, pain can turn a good witch into a bad one! Also, anti-anxiety meds could help. I'm not usually one for medicating for control, but in this case, it sounds like that might just be the ticket. Plus what everyone else said!
i thank you ALL for your comments & well wishes.. (i am so happy that i've found this site!!) i am MORE than willing to help her in any way that i can.. but this rollercoaster of emotions (one minute she's bashing me, the next she's this pittiful little girl that just wants me to "sit with her").. i am so torn.. i will be taking all of your suggestions to heart, ty tremendously
If it is possible for you I highly recommend getting a therapist for yourself.I also have a "mommy dearest" and I also take frequent rides on the emotional rollercoaster. It has helped me deal with a painful journey that I am still on along with my mother.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

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