I love my dad but...

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My father lives with me and I'm a single 28yr old young lady. He has been diagnosed with CKD and dsyautonomia but can still function normal. He asked to live with me a year ago when things weren't going so great with his wife (my step mom) and I asked him for how long and he stated for a little while. But when he got here he makes it seem as though he wants to stay with me for years because he mentioned an old Facebook status I put up about moving to Tennessee and living there and not to mention me using my VA home loan for a house to get with him. I was upset with this because my father and my relationship has been obscured due to him walking out on my mom and siblings when I was 13 and he previously molested me when I was around 10. I forgave him for it over time but he did make an attempt when he moved here. It broke my heart not because of just the act but because here I am trying to help a man that not only didn't take care of me as a child or let alone live with for the past 14yrs but that he tried to take advantage of me even as an adult. And it messes with me from time to time. And the only reason I let him stay is because he has no way of transportation to get to his doctors appointments and he was suffering some depression when he moved here. I mean I do love my father because I wouldn't be here if it weren't for him, but I feel like he's trying to take advantage and be like my grandmother and aunt (his mom and sister) they have been living together for years as long as I can remember being alive. And I just feel like it isn't fair at all. I don't want to live with him until I get married as he suggested. I want to use my VA home loan for my first house with my husband. And if I move to Tennessee I want to go alone. I'm an independent person since I am the oldest and had to learn a lot by myself since it was just my mom around. I love my dad but it eats at me every day this situation because I see him not making any attempt to go out and do other things than be on his computer all day. I am a busy person between my job and musical career on the side. Smh I'm just so over it all.


This might be a good time to call in a care manager - someone who is neutral and can give you ideas about what to do. You have every reason to still feel some resentment and there should be other arrangement you could make to insure that he gets care but that your life doesn't have to revolve around his needs, Good luck.
I'm not sure why or how you can love someone who molested you at 10 and continues to make incestuous advances towards you.

This man should not be living in your home. You owe him nothing at all. He needs serious, professional mental health care.

I would invite him nicely to leave and start eviction proceedings if he won't.

You are 28. You want to live your life. You do not want to care for dad. You want to marry. What better way to scare a man off than to be living with a father that molested you.

Go find your life, you deserve it. Find dad appropriate care elsewhere. If he is a veteran contact the VA for help and suggestions.
Please I urge you to have your dad find someone else to take advantage of because it sure as h*ll it shouldnt be you. Im so sorry youre going throught this please this isnt what families do to eachother. There are people who care enough to tell you to say that your dad is better ELSEWHERE. I also encourage on trying to move on and live your life.
Why on earth are you taking pity on and caring for the man who molested you as a child AND made sexual advances toward you when he moved in with you?
There is NO way your dad should be living with you and NO way you should feel any guilt at all for making a change in this arrangement immediately. Please do so. No one should ever live with a person who has done anything inappropriate with them, much less someone who has tried it again. You owe your dad nothing, and he's clearly doing nothing to improve his situation by playing on the computer all day. This is the only life you get, please make this change quickly and don't look back. Your dad hasn't treated you like a dad treats a child he loves at all and you deserve better. God bless, I look forward to you coming back here and sharing with us the changes you've made and how life has improved.
Get him OUT. He's a manipulator, a molester, a betrayer. He does not care about your goals or your dreams. I understand your base love, but it is ill-placed. Love him from afar. Truly. You have your entire life to live - happily - and he has but one goal - make sure someone - after everyone else has been driven away - takes care of him. That someone is you. Not only follow the advice of the others, but make sure you find a pastor or a counselor to talk through some of these issues with you. You deserve better. You must TAKE better. He will not give in, because to give in, is for him to have the maturity and the compassion to care more about his daughter's needs than his own - he clearly does not have this capacity. Hugs to you. Start afresh. Your instincts are dead on - do not let him gaslight you or cajole you into making sure you stay put for his needs.
Heygirl, please listen to the others' advice and rid your mind of any thoughts suggesting you "owe".... simply because he is your "Dad". No! He gave that **UP** when he took advantage of his innocent, defenseless little girl.

I was about that age when my much older brother molested me. A couple years, another brother tried...then my own father! So... I know that terror and confusion. I grew up convinced there must be something wrong with "me". Then, as adults, the oldest brother tried it again... took me years of therapy to even be able to somewhat cope... Then he tried AGAIN several years later!! By that time, I had had years of "practicing my speech" should I ever find myself in that position again. And by that time I had grand daughters I had already warned the parents about this family member. I told brother that..and said if he ever so much as looked at one of them wrong, I would take him to court and hold nothing back. My brother is a big guy! But I got right up in his face! Even though I'm a soft spoken, meek person, I yelled!!! And kicked him out of my house!! ....and shook afterwards. But.. It was incredibly empowering to make that stand. & brother now keeps his distance!! I am now married to a wonderful man (also molested as a child by a neighborhood man). My hubby is the most thoughtful, loving, softhearted, considerate guy!! Bonus? ... His family!! They've shown me what a good loving family is like!! They take care of each other!!! Your father is only looking out for himself.

I have gone through the same feelings of doubt and guilt that play in the mind. But you OWE HIM NOTHING.

Live, love, laugh! I pray for you to find the love of your life.. and that your future husband will have a great DAD .. who will love you like the princess daughter that you are.

Please stay in touch with us.
Hihi, i cant imagine how hard this must be for you. I would only tell you this from my heart like "advice" from the future. Things wont get better in your situation. Not to sound doom and gloom but at your age you do not need to be in this situation. Think of yourself at 40 or 50. Read some of the things on this site we are going through in our 50s and 60s. I think many of us would think of you as our daughter and we would never in a million years want you to go thru this. Go to nature. ...go to your music. Live and love. Your relative will make it without you living together. (I couldnt call him a father, cos hon if he hurt you, he is not...hes just a "bio"...your real family can still be out there waiting to comfort and care for you.) I really see you in my minds eye being happy in a move free and being 28 and creative and artistic.
What the others said. He should not be liVing with you. If need be, contact the local Agency for Aging and Social services for support in getting him out your home.

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