I just want to be her daughter again....

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And not her caregiver, financial planner, cook, taxi, shopper, etc. While we have caregivers that come in and take care of her while I am work, I have "lost" my role as JUST her daughter. I have noticed that our relationship has changed in so many ways, and I don't like it. Yes, I could put her in a nursing home, but that would only be for MY benefit, not hers. I hope to keep her at home as long as I can. She has had PD for 21 years, and has been wheelchair bound for about 8 years. When she is doing well we go shopping and have fun, go out to eat, etc. but those days are fewer and fewer as she has lost her strength and desire to shop. Even if she went into a nursing home, I am her POA so I would still be responsible for the bills, etc. I am so happy to have found this place where we can vent and give each other support and hugs. God Bless each and every one of you who are taking care of loved ones. Some of you have been at this for much much longer than I have and I don't know how you do it!

I pray for each and every one of you.


We got mom to Assisted Living, not the same as a nursing home. She loves it.
And you can be her welcome visiting daughter to show off to the crowd.
Mom doesn't qualify for Assisted Living due to the fact she cannot go to the bathroom by herself, get herself in and out of wheelchair, etc. Our only option is a nursing home.
The child does become the parent. I know it's cliché but clichés are clichés because they are true.

I understand you wanting to be her daughter again as opposed to her manager. I felt the same way about my dad. He got to a point where he couldn't make decisions for himself anymore and the burden of the responsibility of making decisions for him was huge.

And people think that if they put their loved one in a nursing home they're just abandoning their loved one. Ha! Having my dad in a nursing home was a full-time job between the visits and the meetings with the staff and tending to his finances....The caregiving didn't stop, it just got different.

I know you want your mom back the way it used to be, the way it should be now. I'm sorry you have to go through this but I'm glad you found this site.
What Eyerishlass said is so true, when they are in nursing home the caregiving does not stop, it just changes. I helped my mom when she had her dad in NH and she always had me come along to meetings with staff for moral support. Then there's always missing clothing, we were forever replacing his socks, underwear, everything even his electric razor (several times!). So maybe we weren't having to drive around to doctor or dentist appointments but we had to drive around getting new clothes, another permanent laundry marker and write his name & room number...... then there's the billing questions. I wish you well on your journey.
My mom, who is 87 , moved in with my husband and I, 4 years ago. Her physical health is amazing and takes only one BP pill a day. I watch her struggle with the frustration of forgetting things and repeatedly asking the same questions. She ways wants to be involved and busy doing things. With guidance, she is quite capable. However. My husband and I have no real privacy or opportunity to go out for an evening or just a short getaway. When we explain to her the difficulty she has with her memory she apologizes for being a burden . Then my guilt kicks in and assure her that, that is what families do; take care of each other. I just want to help my mom have the best life possible for the time she has left. I also talk to my grown sons about the difficulties and also try to be an example to them how to be a loving and compassionate caregiver. However, there are days when I feel utterly drained emotionally and very depressed. Reading or talking with others does help keep things in perspective . The bottom line for me is to give my mom the dignity she deserves. I know I get frustrated, depressed, angry and sad just about every day. But, each day my mom thanks me for all I do and most of all for " just being me". I guess that's enough.
Yes, you want to just be a daughter again. You want a real mother.

I wanted to be a wife again, with an equal partner.

The most poignant thing another caregiver reported in a meeting was her mother giving a long sigh and saying, "I miss me!"

Chronic illness, especially cognitive decline, robs us all of a part of our "me" and robs our loved ones, too.

My mom, 94, dementia, unhealed hip fracture, 2-person transfer, is now in a nursing home. My sisters and a brother and I visit her often. There are still caregiving tasks, of course, and dear Mother is never going to be her old self, but she is content. She is well taken-care of. We enjoy visiting her. We work at helping her enjoy what time she has left.

Mother lived with one of my sisters for about a year. It was a very good situation. But I really sense that Mother is more content now that she is not a "burden" to her children. We never considered her a burden. We reminded her that she paid my sister rent and wasn't getting a free ride. But she seems to like the idea that the people who take her to the bathroom and cook her food and help her dress are paid to do it, and her children come willingly just to spend time with her, not because she "needs" something. I don't know that I would have predicted this, but it is consistent with her personality.

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