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I've been caring for my father for about the last 7 years. It's too much.

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Kelley, I am sorry you are feeling this way. I, too know what it feels like to be housebound. I always tell everyone I feel like I am in jail, like I have four walls that are about to close in on me. Please, use this forum. It really does help. I have been reading it for about a year now but just joined about a month ago. Everyone on here is so helpful and kind. It is really hard to take care of ourselves. If you are like me, I am so tired by the time everyone else is taken care of, all I want to do is sleep. I take care of my mom and dad and have for 14 years, giving up my friends, my job, my life, everything. My mom is on hospice and has been for about 18 months. You can also talk to me anytime you would like as well. Take care
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I am so sorry your feeling sad and alone wish I could give you a big hug in person even though I am a stranger, I know care-giving is really stressful but you need to walk away for a week and be adamant on receiving help! I'm so sorry you have to go through this this forum really helps. You can talk to me anytime!
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good luck to you! It is so sad that we live in one of the most prosperous countries and we make it such a hellbent ordeal to get the help we need from the government.
In other "civilized" nations they have free college, healthcare and senior care, but here in the land of the "free" NOTHING is free......
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I rarely think to recommend therapy to people looking for help in these situations (I always think in terms of more concrete types of assistance) but I definitely second the recommendation. I have been in counseling for most of the 4 years I've been taking care of my mother and it really has helped me solidify my boundaries and keep from getting to sucked in to my mother's dependency. I'm in a much better place than I would be now without it.
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Good. Unfortunately, as my therapist once told me, one can't be their own or their family's therapist. I wish you well in your journey.
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I am starting to think therapy might be beneficial to me and I have a Bachelor's Degree in it so no, I'm never opposed to that form of help.
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Here's a link to a thread here about emotional blackmail and how to get free from it. https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/power-of-emotional-blackmailers-176430.htm

Depending on how deep this is, you may need the help of a therapist. It's going to be mighty tough with your living in his house. He may revert or only have reverted to seeing you as his little girl once again. Chose to related to him as his adult daughter for that is what both of you really need. You can't change how he relates with you, but you can chose how you relate with him.

Good luck and keep in touch.
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Yes I was referring to the Rule CarlaCB pointed out. My dad is comepletely housebound. He breathing is so bad it's a challenge just to go to the bathroom. My home's pretty small so I'm talking 20-25 steps using a walker. He does not drive and really has not left the house in probably the past 4 years other than for Dr. appts.
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Kelly, welcome! Is there any chance you would be able/willing to see a therapist to work on the guilt thing? You've got a lot of good company here.
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My parents were divorced when I was a teen but kept a close relationship due to the grandkids. Believe me, there is some dysfunction in the story for sure. I know "guliting" is a leverage tool for sure. I really need to learn to not allow it to effect me.
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I think there's another rule about keeping the house if an adult child has been living in it for at least 2 years as a caregiver and has enabled the person to stay out of a nursing home. I think that's how it works. Kelley was probably referring to that rule.
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What? Medicaid looks back for 5 years.
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Yes, the "house" situation is draining. However the attorney is trying to use the "2 years Medicaid lookback" so my husband and I can actually purchase the house without ramifications further down the line.
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"Gulting" you, I'm sorry to say, is a form of emotional abuse that some parents pull on their adult children. Do you feel afraid of not giving in to his guilt trips or feel Obligated to try and make him happy? Happy is something he must deal with. Safe and cared for while not throwing yourself under the bus needs to be your main concern. Did your mother wait on him hand and foot?
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Thank you...ALL of you for feedback. I do feel better that the VA/Medicaid is going forward. I Do think it will help alot. And I do need to be more firm about what "I" need. My father's a good one for the "guilts" concerning Respite. He just doesn't see how his situation can be a burden and that out of 365 days of emptying pee bottles, fixing meals, running errand, etc...that I could possibly need a break.
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I would say that part of the difficulty of being in his home other than the isolation is the dependency position that this puts you in as an adult child. I would imagine that is subconsciously draining as well.

Yes, tell don't ask, what you expect from Hospice because they should be doing much more.
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Welcome Kelly! No, you are not alone. The majority of us have faced similar situations. It seems like you've got all the right wheels turning, Medicaid and VA, they both take time but not forever so you do have a silver lining ahead.

Hospice SHOULD give you 5 days respite. They'll place your father in either a NH or specific Hospice House. My mother just came home and WE both feel better. Just tell your hospice you're ready for your 5 days and schedule you in! Don't ask... tell.

Wishing you the best!
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I live in "his" house which makes it especially hard. Due to a past divorce circumstances found me here with my child. I do appreciate all of the help my father has given me during my rough patch. But the more reliant his care has become upon me and the longer this drags on, the more resentful I become.
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You are right that your daughter does not need to be burdened with this.

I hope your seeing an attorney to help get Veteran's and Medicaid will get you help soon. When do you see him?
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Get the VA done immediately you can start to do it online...just present everyting they ask for at once or they will keep sending it back....it took me about 6 months to receive it and I am still waiting for accrued benefits to come in. That will give you some financial help to make the right decisions as far as placement or getting you some help at home.
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Thanks cmagnum. I DO want to focus on MY life and MY relationships. My daughter is 24 and is on her own. She helps some but I don't want to burden her.
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It can be very difficult caring for a loved one. COPD isn't easy. Hopefully he sees his doctor on a regular basis and is using the most effective medications. It wouldn't hurt to get a physical therapy consult, the therapist can show you various easy exercises you can assist your dad with that will help keep him flexible and as mobile as possible. They will take into consideration his COPD. Contact your local area agency on aging, ask for caregiver services, they should have support groups and a respite program. Ask about other services he may be eligible for. What about attending the local senior center or adult medical day care? he may enjoy that a couple of times per day. It would also give you a break. You are not alone, I moved in with my dad almost 3 years ago. My mom has been gone for 11 years. I have a brother that lives close, however I do all the house work, dr. appts, cooking etc. As a caregiver you need to care for yourself or you won't be able to care for someone else. I know that is not easy, I'm the one that does for others first then do for myself. I'm the pot calling the kettle black. You must make time for yourself, look for services where someone will come in to care for your dad, the area agency on aging also has programs he may be eligible for-this will give you a break, go to the library, sit outside, take a walk, do your nails what ever is relaxing and fun for you. It's great you take care of your dad, but you mustn't forget yourself. You can look for some volunteer opportunities which will allow you to meet new people. Enjoy your time with your dad, don't make it a chore. Good luck.
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I feel trapped in this house. I feel like I'm back to raising a child again. Them first and you last. I've told hospice I need respite but never get any feedback.
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Is he living in your house, his or are you living with him?

Do you have any children who still live at home?

Does your husband work?

You are mighty young to have quit your job. Have you lost health insurance as well?

Does your dad have any financial resources that might help pay for some caregivers?

Would your dad qualify for Medicaid?

You are only one person, plus you have a marriage to nurture and it does sound like your burned out as the sole caregiver. 1/3 of caregivers die before the person they are caring for dies. You don't want to end up as a statistic.

You do need to consider your own health and future retirement in this whole equation.

I'm glad to hear you have a wonderful husband, but he's only going to be able to absorb so much of your stress. How is that relationship going? I've seen many people lose their spouse while taking care of a parent. You don't want that to happen to you.

Please don't do what some caregivers do in spending what you have saved for your own retirement.

Sorry to hear about your incarcerated brother.
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No I don't work anymore but wish I did. I so miss being around people. Right now seeing an attorney to help get Veteran's and Medicaid. He's not able to pay for care. Has Hospice,...that's a joke. 2 hours of "bathing help" per week, a quick nurse visit...etc
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Do you work outside? Does dad qualify for Medicaid or does he have funds to pay for care?
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I just really need someone to talk to sometimes. This is becoming overwhelming to me and lately I see myself suffering mentally from all of this.
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I quit my job this November after he had a bad health scare. I didn't know what else to do. I have a wonderful husband of the past 4 years and thank God for him. My father has just us. His brother stops in maybe once a month (some help huh?) and my only sibling ( a brother) is incarcerated (past 8 years)
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My father is 73 and I am 47. He has COPD and very limited mobility. I've been caring for him since the death of my mom 7 years ago next month.
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it is so nice to see someone answer
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