I don't wish this on anyone......elderly care.

The curse continued today and yesterday........(the 'PIG'.....i've nic-named myself 'the pig').......that name is befitting of me in my role as 'caregiver'.......cleaning us the mess......feces......spilled drinks at the dinner table.......cleaning up after my mother drinks her 'bomb drink'........prune juice and milk of mag.......YES, i love my new name......the 'pig slave'........cleaning up the s__t.........how disgusting can life be??? I think it's meant to be this way though.......the elderly put us through hell.....in their last years and when they pass away.....we don't feel as bad because we think of he hell that we went through.....and now we get our reward at their death. Yes, that sounds morbid and terrible, but it's true. They call them the 'golden years'........when these people get to a ripe old age.......what is so golden about them.......it should be called the 'torture years'!

beammeupscotty-
On getting a job, you have one, as do I. I was fortunate to have one sibling help on alternating weekends for the first five months of this. Then weekends while trying to work her job became too much for her. Yet she expects me to get a job when I am here seven days, twenty-four hours, with about 30 hours with mom in a day program. That still leaves 138 hours each week. How many would do this? Just overtime over the course of a year, with 30 hours of other help, is 7,176 hours a year, 5,000 hours would be overtime. At time and a half at a $12.00/hour rate, is more than $91,000.00 dollars in one year. To say nothing of no benefits for two weeks paid vacation, health and disability insurance provided by many jobs.

I concur with all the above, and this site is fantastic. I'm new to this site but it has helped me, just reading and feeling that I'm not alone. "Take Care of Self Too"

All of this makes me think about the idea of a "forced choice" - a forced choice would be like in a movie when the person at gunpoint is forced to chop off their own finger or they get shot in the head. For some reason this discussion makes me think of that. The degree to which we force ourselves when it is harmful to us to take care of a parent is our choice, but is it a forced choice? How forced is it? What is the gun to our heads?

If we don't take care of the parent, and they have the option of hiring help to keep them living independently....is that such a bad thing? If they have money to live in assisted living is that such a bad thing? It's not like we can't be involved to make sure they are getting quality care. Or is it that the idea of strangers caring for our loved ones in and of itself is deep down offensive, a betrayal...of family values, family expectations, societal expectations, expectations of ourselves?

yes the situation between siblings not getting along has finally hit me. I tried to explain my stressful situation to my sis after not talking for probably a month over a misunderstanding about mom. I just had to try and reach out and make peace. That was very early this morning by email, and almost 11 hours later..no reply!! .well that's sad, very sad. Someone like her, whose life is normal, financially great, and not involved with mom physically everyday just doesn't get it, and she's 10 years younger than me so that makes a big difference too. It stinks the way things are sometimes for sure. She is judgmental and I know she thinks "get a job" and get over it. There are other very serious things going on in my life too, and neither her or my bro has even bothered to ask how my other problem in life is going after I shared with them. I will draw a circle around me and only let the few in..it will be ok people..pray for sure and have faith, speak positive not negative try it for an hour, a day, a week.

Some elders expect their families to take care of them. My MIL is like that. She thinks that family should take care of each other no matter what. When my grandmother was going into a home, MIL kept saying that it was because my aunt and uncle just didn't want to fool with her anymore.(my dad died before my grandmother did) Reality was though, between those two and my great-aunt, they just were not able to take care of her. She fell out of the bed at my great-aunt's house and my great-uncle had to go get a neighbor to help get her back into bed. My grandmother was a tiny woman too, probably no more than 100 pounds soaking wet. Now MIL really needs some kind of care facility but will not go. She told dh that he was not going to put her away. If we're able to get her in one, no doubt she'll cry that we just don't want to fool with her, and she'll say just let her die at home, etc. Never mind that I'm not qualified to take care of her, nor do we have the room for her to come live with us if she can't stay by herself. Sounds a bit selfish to me in some ways. I also have two little kids to take care of. Is it fair to them that I have to take time that I could be taking care of them to take care of her, when someone more qualified could be taking better care of her?

okay, Eeyore :P

I wouldn't give a caregiver........or an assisted living facility.......not one dime.......in my opinion.......they are money grubbing rip offs........I'll just suffer and deal with my situation........'the hand I've been dealt'.......as the saying goes.......I'll suffer some more in my life......it's nothing new........the curse continues.

Okay... I know I'm not the first to say this, but... a person should never quit their job to take care of their parent unless there is plenty of money, so the job is not needed. Quitting a job without sufficient resources or having another lined up is such a terrible idea. If someone doesn't like their job, they can find another, then quit. There are too many options for caregiving for an adult child to face poverty to get it done. We may feel that we are the only ones who can take care of our loved one, but that is not a truth for most people. There are facilities and professional caregivers that do outstanding jobs.

Most of the elderly people I've met in this area live in senior assisted living communities. The communities are apparently very good, because the people say they enjoy living there. They are expensive, but if a senior can afford to live in one, it is a much better option than having one of the children quit their job and move in. Just my opinion.

Being a caregiver......tears you apart.......I wouldn't wish this on anyone. The elderly parents that we care for seem to have no clue about how it affects us......I know the aging process has affected their minds, but they expect us to perform 'total care' on them regardless of how it affects us. It's like they cannot comprehend the devastation that occurs.......they want and expect their care......regardless of how life changing it is to the caregiver........they come first.....(in their mind)......is that fair?

I hear it mentioned a lot.......folks telling the caregiver to take care of themselves......to watch their health.......I kind of wondered about this.........I don't wonder about it anymore.......I see first hand what they mean. The caregiver has no time for themselves.......they are under constant stress........not eating right.......no time for exercise........no 'off time'.......it's like having a 24 hour a day job. Health problems can pop up real fast for the caregiver........the 'curse' continues.

The financial aspect of all this can be devastating. If someone quits their job to be a caregiver......then what happens when that parent dies? The caregiver is left without money.....without a job. It's a vicious process.......a process that involves money problems, breaks up families, causes health problems for the caregiver......the list goes on and on........yes, the 'curse' of being a caregiver is devastating!

I called the place I work at and told them I will be quitting........I was wanting to leave regardless........but I owe it all to the 'curse'.......the curse of being a 'caregiver'. What would my situation be like if I couldn't 'afford' to quit.......my mother would be in a very bad situation if I 'had' to continue working. Regardless of my situation, it should NEVER come down to where someone has to quit their job to be a caregiver........it that's what expected? is that the 'right thing' to do? Just think how it would be if all adult children quit their jobs to care for their parents.......take about a crazy scenario! I have to be the 'sacrificial lamb' and give up my life......while by siblings don't help or contribute......and their lives carry on normally. Yes, the turmoil of being a caregiver never ends.......it hit's like a tornado and takes down everything in it's path. It's devastating......people don't realize what we go through until they 'walked the walk'! But, I'm doing the proper thing........the right thing......I love my mother dearly and that love pushes me along........but where do you draw the line? When is it okay to say.....enough is enough!

Good morning everyone, I want to start by being thankful for something, it's 48 degrees outside, oh thank God.... It will get in the 70's, but am so thankful for a good night's sleep without being hot! It is a true blessing for the cool air. Everyone hang in there, I am stressed to the max and afraid for my health right now, so sad and scary. The only thing we are in control of is our own thoughts and feelings, no one controls our thoughts, ever thought about that? It is not easy to push the negatives out but hit the delete button and if you have to... write down positive things and put the paper in your pocket and read them out loud. Well I hope I can take my own advise, I hope I will have a day with out elder care today, but she calls so much and now its about her mail. The horrible stories about assisted living for mom scare me, but we will move in that direction if she gets in one before its too late..I wish I had the strength to say "we can get an apt together" but I can't do this I just could not handle it people.

You are too funny Hardass!

Yes Roscoe, you are fortunate financially, my parents weren't smart with money and passed that trait to us....so now we all F-ed up got a mortage but I went thru all my money already over 9 ys, and wont be able to get a new loan if mom passes before I fix this mess...I will have given up at minimum 1/5 of my life and become destitute and homeless!!! I Don't even want to get old as I don't have a child, who the hell is gonna take care/visit me when I am old!!! SUCKS!!!

@ roscoe,
im slant drilling your gas, better be looking for employment soon..

Hi everyone, praying for all of you. I am a nervous wreck right now, no I didn't go to my nephews grad party, I don't feel human and cant even smile..I did clean mom's apt, dishes, laundry, groceries, etc. today and she was gone to my sis's for the first time in years! My sweet cousin volunteered to make the hour drive and pick her up. I can't believe she went, and I had the day alone, I should be so thankful for the time with no conversation or elderly care talk. I am stressed over a lot of things, trying to pack stuff to move, etc. please keep me in your prays also.

I'm glad you have that backup, Roscoe888.

Isn't it terrible when you have siblings that will not help out in the care.......they might call once in a 'blue moon'......but offer no physical help. I'm sure many battles have taken place in families because of this......actually tore families apart. These are wounds that never heal and I'm sure many ties with siblings were severed forever because of this lack of care/helping.

The house is paid for....no rent. My situation is 'unique' financially......yes, I quit my job and will have to purchase health insurance......I had only planned on working maybe one more year.......although I'm far from retirement age. The 'unique' thing about my situation financially......is that I own acreage that has the Marcellus Shale natural gas on it.......the land is being drilled and this will be my "paycheck" for years to come.......this land has been a 'windfall' for me......I'm not bragging, but it enabled me to quit work and be a caregiver......(without this windfall).....I don't know what I would have done.......I would be in a bad situation financially.

Let your mother help you with rent and don't feel guilty about that. You won't be able to help her if you are homeless. Also, ask for your sister's understanding.
You deserve it.

stressed....aunt is in Memory care unit....agreement was she would be in studio apt. within the confines of a locked unit so she can't wander and have care 24/7...caregiver on duty at all times and regular check ins every 20 mins or so....housekeeping once a week that includes bedding change and two loads of laundry a week..she also get all her meds but she has to pay for the medications.....now I was told that she was suppose to be paying extra for laundry all along WTH....this only frustrates me because her bedding doesn't get changed and her laundry get done sometimes but I usually find dirty/soiled clothes when I visit....I still have to buy all her toiletries...diapers etc...found out yesterday that reason her sheets weren't being changed is that she wouldn't get out of bed....then found out she has been given Ativan in the AM!! Hell, I wouldn't get out of bed either!!! so I talked to them about that...only on demand ativan for agitation....jeez...constant battle...wish I could just go visit and have some rest ....takes time away from the person you are trying to see in their final days...pathetic

Gayle189,....We too are in the same nightmare!! Care facility where my MIL is, is doing the same to us... as far as laundry, changing bedding, etc.!!! We have to do the laundry, wash her , make her bed, buy supplies....OMG!!! Makes you wonder just who should be getting paid!!! And I don't mean the "so called "employee's" at the Facility either....!! Did you know the prisoners in this country enjoy more freedoms than our elderly...? They get approx &29,000 a year to live while our elderly only get approx. $ 9,000 per year....!!! Thats outrageous to me, to say the least! Some of these so called "care facilities" are like rotten eggs, they might look good on the outside but on the inside they are putrid! It is a sad day for those of us who are taking care of our elderly, when a criminal gets better care than those who are aging in America.....! When I ask just what is is they are supposed to be doing for my MIL they tell me that they can't tell me, they can only speak to my husband....??!! What do they tell perspective residence?? Makes me wonder, since it was the SIL who did the finding of this place! SIL hasn't been there to lift a finger to help ever, although she will tell you otherwise! So just know that we are getting the same treatment you are with our facility here in Wa. State. I am empathetic to your situation and just wanted to let you know. Godbless and hugs :)

My mom lives a mile away alone but the time is fast approaching that she is not going to be able to do live alone. Her and I have looked at assisted living but the prices are outrageous, how can anyone afford that? I can't believe that medicare doesn't pay a single penny to help! If a person get approved for Medicaid help it still takes months and months..I do a lot for her as do all of you. I cried so much today after I came back home because I see her going down hill. See reached in her purse to hand me her debit card, I guess she though I was going to the store and her hand was shaking. She tried to hand it to the lady at the library a few months ago,,,OMG its so sad. But its so hard on me too. I can barely wait to leave her house when she is disoriented and talks about nothing that makes sense I feel myself getting sick and depressed and worry about my own health. It's sticking sad, and I think most of the frustration is that there isn't a darn thing we can do about it..there is no control...she is going to my sisters tomorrow for nephew's graduation party. I am not going and feel so bad to not be there for my nephew. The reason is I need a break from mom and couldn't bear the long car ride. My sis & I are on the outs for the first time in out lives over a misunderstanding about mom so I don't want to face her anyway. I can't let mom help me financially anymore..my unemployment ran out so I gave 2 weeks rent today and on June 15th I will be homeless...cry cry

I couldn't agree with you more, that is why I do what I do....I make mistakes and am suffering terribly but I know I am still the best advocate for my mother...if you could see my post about her recent injury and the brief trip to a facility for rehab! I nearly stroked out and choked the director of nursing...anyway I digress! Just try to find a little local help than can come in few hours here and there, even if you stay in an supervise as I do with the one, it is still helps to have that lil releif.....any little bit will help and keep coming here....little by little things will not seem so overwhelming and you will be able to sort things out a bit!!!! HUGZ!!

Just look at the cost involved when a person gets old.....it's terrible.....the nursing homes are making millions. They 'bleed people dry'........in my opinion.......they give shoddy care at best and they take all your money. Getting old is terrible from beginning to end. If I had someone in a nursing home......I would still not have peace.......the nursing home rip off would constantly be on my mind the whole time my parent was in there.

I just have to add to my comment earlier... I did not purposefully disown them the court enforced restraining order, I chose not to attempt to reconnect after it had expired tho.... life was peaceful for us for the first time, mom deserves a peaceful end to her life, it is utter chaos when they are involved always. So the social worker advised me to just let this be the end...I had to choose between mom or them and I chose her!!! I think they did me a favor in the long run because of the peacefulness, but the loss is still devastating to me!!!!

Roscoe888....you asked how it makes you feel when someone tell you that your elders took care of you when you needed them....nobody knows what taking care of a sick person day in and day out is like....is it our duty? maybe for a while....but when it starts to disrupt your life, marriage, health....no it isn't your duty...it is our duty to make sure we have all we can in place so that we don't have to ask or demand that someone has to take care of us when we are old and sick.....I will never do that to my children....if I don't have money then put me on Medicaid and find the best NH you can and put me there......even when your not a full time caregiver it is hard......you still have to make sure they are getting the care they are paying for and that they are getting the health care they need.....unless they are in a NH you still have to bring them their toiletries and diapering needs, unless they have unlimited funds to pay to have all that delivered....hell, my aunt pays for her laundry to be done and they caregivers won't get her up to have her sheets changed if she is still in bed....WTH??? really? Now, I just got a letter from her facility that states a change in policy wants $75 a month to do her laundry.....ugh....she has only been there for 3 months and most of her clothing is missing, all of her cups, plates etc...are gone, it is very frustrating to say the least....especially since she is paying amost $4000 a month to stay there....

My answer to your question, Roscoe, is no I don't think I owed my parents. I helped take care of my dad because I loved him. He was the best man I'd ever met in my life. He didn't believe in owing people. You just did it because you wanted to do it out of the goodness of your heart or you didn't do it at all. My mother on the other hand felt I owed her for every breath I took and reminded me every day. You know how easy it was to care for dad compared to mom?
The issue with siblings makes me so sad. I can't understand how all siblings can't participate in the care of their parents. My sister flew in when dad had a heart attack then 7 years later flew in again for his funeral. She said she couldn't handle seeing him like that. WTH, and I could? She wasn't interested in helping ME with our mom and told me so. Her "helping" mom was a bi-weekly phone call for one hour and 95% of the call was about herself. But mom ate it up because she was the golden child. Infrequently she sent mom money so she could take the paid caregiver to lunch but not one penny for me or my kids. I got it, it was all about her dislike for me. We no longer communicate. We're in a legal mess over mom's estate and we have to pay lawyers because she won't speak to me and now won't speak to even her lawyer. I no longer have a family. It is heartbreaking. I cringe when I think about elderly sick parents and their wills/assets. This combo brings out pure evil in way too many people.