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I've posted about this before, but I am at my wits end with my grandmother. She keeps calling about having me getting her an internet router for her house and a Kindle Fire. At least 4 times a week she will call asking me if I ordered that stuff yet and says she has $100 to pay for it. The problem is, she wants the Fire 10 which is over $200, but routers are fairly inexpensive. Then she proceeds to let me know that she fully intends to take advantage of my Amazon Prime. I know there is a way to set that up so she can use my Prime, but she wants free reign to my Amazon account. I don't think so, I will not let her have free access to the credit card I have on there and the $70 in gift cards I have on my account. I am more than angry and said flat out that she has more than enough money to pay for the Kindle and router and it is time to get one on her own. I think that they sell Kindles at Costco and routers, but that involves taking a shower and putting on clean clothes. I'm angry that she refuses to do anything for herself and acts like she is oh so helpless. I know I can order what she wants and set it up and not have access to my stuff, but not willing to create a massive argument with her.

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My parents refuse to pay for her groceries or whatever she needs. Between her pension and Social Security check, she gets a shade over $3,000 a month and everything is paid off and her bills are minimal. I don't go with my parents every week, I now go biweekly because I do need some alone time with myself. My parents are mostly just going with her and helping her with grocery shopping and double checking the house to make sure that there aren't any hazards. My aunt in Texas shows or cousins come up to visit her or help out but expect to be informed. I wonder if they are looking for some kind of windfall.
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Evermore,
Do you need to go with your parents each week ? It is a good thing that your heart is in the right place, however, double check that you are not suffering from a sense of over-responsibility for your grandma. Let your parents handle it? Sorry, I don't know you very well, but when I read of your condition, I realized that you don't need this added stress to your life.
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Who pays her electric, cable, phone, medication, groceries, etc.? It sounds like she doesn't have a grasp of reality. How is her health?

I might consult with an attorney to get information on the process if you have to step in despite her objection. They can tell you what evidence you'll need, the process, the costs, time involved, etc. At least, you'll be prepared, if the time comes.
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Delaying the inevitable... well, yes, sort of; but aren't we all?

If she's managing all right with the support that *you* are happy to provide, that's fine. If she stops managing, or the support gets to a level that you and your parents are not all right with, then there's a problem. How much help it is realistic and fair to offer her: that's the discussion you should have with your parents now, so that when a line has to be drawn you can all stick together and stand firm on it.

And research other options so that you've got a head start if she does need to move (your parents should probably handle that one).
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Or this:
"Grandma, you cannot possibly afford it".
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This what I think of as  "Option A or Option B, but there's no Option C" discussion. She either pays you in full for items or does without, but there's no "I don't want to pay more than x for the item so you should pay the rest". I also think elderly parents use prices from years ago as their benchmark, so are taken aback at today's prices. As for access to your Amazon Prime account - use the magic words "It's not possible for me to do that". Done.
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How this:
"Grandma, I can't possibly do that".
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Evermore, from your description, I'd say you are delaying the inevitable, and at your own expense. I've been through this with my father. I spent 5 years being the free labor that was holding together an unsustainable situation that allowed him to stay in his house. I also can't imagine just "leaving him to his own devices" or leaving him to "the system." It may have turned out fine, though, had I done that. I'll never know.

She must pay for things. This is the way of the world. We each pay our own way. Do you know why she believes herself exempt from this universal rule? :)
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My parents and I are at her house (she lives alone) once a week to help her with grocery shopping, doing a couple loads of laundry, changing bed sheets, just general stuff like that. She won't let anyone in the house, no aides, nobody like Merry Maids to come into the house. She refuses to pay for anything. Social Services has told us that unless a crisis hit to where she can't live on her own by herself, our hands are tied. I'm wondering that by going over once a week to do some basic stuff, we are delaying the inevitable.
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Boundaries....put her off...grandma, just give me the exact amount of what you want ordered on Amazon, and I will have it delivered to you, no need for a kindle. (Because you won't have time to reboot her internet, ever, or to unfreeze her kindle). imo.
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Dear Evermore,

You are right. As much as we want to do what our parents and grandparents want, sometimes its not safe or reasonable. And we must remain firm with them. I know you've done a lot for her and love her very much. But sometimes the frustrations do build. Try to take a step back. Maybe try to have another family member or friend or social worker, someone else explain it to her.
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Okay. So, it sounds like there is something that isn't right with her. You explain the costs, she ignores it and can't process the numbers, etc. I'd consider that she is not able to understand what you are saying.

Is someone overseeing how she's functioning and handling her finances? I wonder if it's going as well as you might think. Sometimes, people put up a good front, but, when you really look into the fridge, the laundry basket, the bills, etc., they have gone to pot.

It's not likely, based on what you have said, that she'll just tell someone that she can't handle her affairs and needs help, plus, she refuses to appoint POA. It's sad. A crisis may be in store.

Still, there's no need to tolerate her unrealistic demands. My LO used to demand that I bring her 10 cans of cat food a day, even though she already had 50 cans in the cupboard. No matter how many times, I explained that to her, she could not process it. Fairness, equity, value, etc. aren't something I would expect to just appear in her reasoning. I'd try to not let it bother me, but, I would try to keep watch for her welfare. With her showing such behavior, I would discourage internet usage. It can be risky.
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Evermore, how about if tell her you'll sign her into your Amazon account after she's signed you into her bank account?

Do you think she really understands how cheeky she is being? Does she get what these things really cost, and how the accounts actually work?
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She's behaving like a whiny 2 year old who wants her treats RIGHT NOW. But she's not 2, and even if she has early dementia she can understand the concept of paying for what you need. Boundaries, boundaries boundaries. No Grandma, I won't do that, but if you give me your credit card number I'll help you place the order. No, we already discussed this. No, I'm not discussing this again, good bye. And if she keeps calling just. don't. answer.
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I forgot to add that she won't ever consider having anyone but her managing her money. She refuses to have anyone help her with finances nor give out POA and make a will.
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She might have cognative decline and has been diagnosed 20 years ago with ADHD but won't accept the diagnosis. Right now, money is really tight and I can't afford to pay $250 and wait 7 months for only $100. I'd rather not starve and go without my seizure medication. Under the eyes of the law, she is still competant. It's part of her personality to make every effort to get something for nothing. She isn't broke, not by a long shot. She wants the Kindle and router right now. Again, I need to eat as well and seizure medication.
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I recall your issue about this from earlier. I don't recall if she has more issues than mobility problems, however, if it were my LO and they consistently made unrealistic demands, were resistant to reason, had no appreciation for expenses, costs, etc. , I'd assume that there was something cognitively going on with them. Maybe, she's not just stubborn and insistent. Maybe, she cant process how the numbers don't make sense. And whatever you told her before is forgotten. Maybe, she's not able to understand and accept your reasoning. In which case, I'd stop trying and just take care of matters.

Who is taking care of her finances and needs? I'd have them handle it. If that is you, then, I'd handle it and use her funds for her her needs, if you have the authority. Is there some reason you have an issue doing this?

Sometimes, seniors with cognitive decline forget that they already called and asked, that's why they repeatedly do it. I would caution with her internet availability. Sometimes seniors are vulnerable to exploitation and give away all kinds of information on-line that could cause them harm.
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