I can't believe its come to this or that I am even contemplating this.

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Me and my sister have 50, 50 Power of Attorney and control over my mother's finances. We agreed upon this when we found out she had Alzheimer's. At that time everything was fine between us, we as good as it gets anyway. I now know she had a reason for this.

Everything including my mother's care was to be 50, 50. She would have her in the summer months and I would have her in the winter months. She lives back east and I live in the south. This has not turned out to be the case. I'm luck if she even calls to say hello to her. She has told me that she does not care if she see's her, put her in a home on and on. We fight all the time. Its been three years now and she refuses to even take her for a few weeks to allow me to go on vacation. I'm exhausted, burnt out and getting ill.

I have tried to talk to her and she gets hateful and acts like I'm lying. She brings up stupid stuff that happened when she was a teenager, tries to make everyone think that my mother is just an awful person, quite the opposite, she is kind, loving and caring.

The only thing my sister does is keep close tabs on Mom's bank account, I'm told off if I buy her clothes, quizzed on every purchase on her credit card and its so obvious that its for my mother. She barley spends a dime but my sister is so worried over her inheritance that I'm just disgusted with it all.

Can anyone tell me any legal rights? My legal rights? My bills have doubled and some tripled utilities, grocery's, etc. my sister will allow Mom to purchase grocery's once a month. My sister is just kicking back waiting for something to happen to mom so she can rush in and get the money, sell the family farm etc.

Once I suggested that mom pitch in and help with the house hold bills and she made me feel so bad for even mentioning this that I never said anything again. Things came to blows again last night and that is why I'm asking this question. Is it out of line to request help? I'm not destitute or anything but why should I do everything and her nothing? May I add she is going on vacation for the 3 year in a row because she is so stressed out????? she answers phones. I work all day, and come home and sit all night with Mom and Weekends are the same, I have absolutely NO life. as much as I love my Mom and will continue to take care of her can someone please tell me if I'm out of line. Thanks you for any input. May I add, I have been so depressed for a few years I even took steps to talk to a counselor, they told me that there is nothing wrong with me mentally I have just been handed a bucket of crap from my family.


So, have you set up a caregiving contract with mom, whereby mom is paying room and board? I guess not, from the sound of things.

I think i would assess from a legal standpoint jf mom is competent to enter into a contract with you, and if so, get a caregiving contract done by a lawyer than mom can sign. If sister balks at this, i think I'd inform her what terminal mom will be arriving at, and the flight number. You ARE being taken advantage of.
I agree with Babalou! My FIL lives with us, now on 11 years, and he pays 600 towards his rent, and utilities, as well as chips in towards food, and this arrangement, while not perfect, does indeed help out! We haven't had a vacation in about 7 years now, but I'm working on a solution for respite care. We finally did have an overnight, last night in fact, and we took a drive to the coast, and enjoyed a antique and collectibles show there, while my daughter came and stayed with him. We just go home, so that she could enjoy the rest of the day, Valentine's day with her hunny! It was a welcome change, and we really needed it! You definitely deserve to have some contributions to your household finances, and some time away! If she won't help you in this aspect, then write that also, into your caregiving contract, it so important! At this point, I don't see where she even needs to 50% POA, if she isn't directly involved in her care, but I don't know much about these things. Good luck, And No, you are not being unreasonable! Just Realistic!
I am unaware of a caregiver contract. I never even though about this until lately, my sister has just pushed me over the edge on all this. I was just married for the first time a year ago and would like to have alone time. Can she sign a contract being diagnosed with Alzheimer's, she is very coherent just can't be left alone. What I would really like is for my sister to loose a percentage of the family farm every year, she is just waiting to sell it anyway and its been our land for almost 100 years.
What do you mean your sister "allows" your mother to buy groceries once a month? It's your mother's money, for crying out loud! Why are you asking your sister for permission to buy your mother the things she needs? There is no difference whether your mom physically buys the groceries or you do it on her behalf. The point is, you need to stand up to your sister.

I'm assuming you both have financial POA but if that's not the case, you need to decide whether your mom goes to stay with your sister, which was the original agreement, or you get full POA. It's up to your mother. And because you didn't mention that your mother is incompetent, I'm assuming you can get this done just between you and your mother. Your sister sounds like a real piece of work.
....a real piece of work... indeed! A nice way of saying what we are all thinking about her!
She is so out of had at this point, I would never even say anything but It's just got so bad. I now realize there is no reason for her to have an POA but she set that up and now I understand why. This is all my fault for allowing this to happen but who would think your own family would act this way. She even got pissed because I bought mom a sweater on line and quizzed me on the shipping charge?? I buy clothes all the time and freaked out thinking the must have billed me a ton of money to ship it but when I ask how much it was under 2.00. I tried to pull a bluff just to get her to take her for a month, I told her I was sick which is TRUE and I would not take much more, told her I was considering putting mom in a home unless she would agree to help me out. I would never do that but what I was told was go ahead, I don't care and I'm not helping. She knows I love the family farm and that was the first thing she threw into my face you will loose the farm!!! After this week I can truly say I know she does not care about anyone but herself and I know she is just waiting for my mom to die so she can collect the money, I'm devastated that family or anyone could think this way. My friends help with mom because they love her so much. I do have a caregiver in the day so I can work so would the caregiver contract work for me? Should I also have the caregiver on a contract? Thank you for the help I'm so confused BUT I have finally woke up and refuse to be bullied and treated this way any longer.
Please don't take anything I have said wrong, I know I have gone about this totally wrong just trusting my family, I'm kind of thick when it comes to thinking anyone could do stuff like this more or less my own family. I do want everyone to know that I love my mother dearly and will take care of her until its not possible (Medically)
Aveeno, i don't think you're thick, at all! Most of us never contemplate that family might behave this way.

Is mom paying tha caregiver out of her funds?
Aveeno - this situation is absolutely, definitely not your fault. It's your sister's fault for not holding up her end of the bargain to take your mother in the summers. I just reread your post and see that your mother has Alzheimer's. Sorry for missing that important point.
I second the advice of the others; you will need to stand up to your sister, but I would also have a legal option ready to use if necessary. Document everything you've written about here, and link it to responsibilities of your sister under the POA.

E.g., she complains and/or refuses to reimburse you for groceries more often, and/or for necessary clothing. Check the POA to see what it says about the necessity of providing for your mother's general welfare, which obviously includes food and clothing.

Duties are typically couched in broad terms, sometimes with examples. Find appropriate clauses and list all her breaches.

These could be considered breach of a fiduciary duty.

If your mother understands the situation and can execute a new POA, do so, but make it a durable one. Then either have the attorney who wrote the existing one (or you can ) notify your sister her rights, duties and obligations have been terminated. Send the notice by certified mail, return receipt requested. She may not sign the receipt, but you've documented with the cert. mail slip from the post office that you've attempted to make proper notification of revocation of her rights.

If your mother doesn't understand sufficiently to legally revoke the existing POA, ask your attorney about action for breach of fiduciary duty.

You've mentioned the farm. How is it titled? In your mother's name solely?

I assume there is no trust, but that there is a will?

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