I am the only one that stepped up.

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I love my beautiful mother. But it's toooooo much for me alone! I can't do this for the next 10 yrs or more! It's killing me faster! Severe anxiety, anger, annoyed, chest pains, guilty, but I do love her so much. She however does NOT! IM NOTHING! IM INVISIBLE! IM POOP IN HER EYES! IM ALSO IGNORANT & NOW SELF LOATHING! I PRAY MY SIBLINGS WILL HELP BUT ONE CAN THE OTHER IS HERE & CAN SOMETIMES BUT WILL NOT! JUST NEED 6MTHS OF A BREAK FROM HER!!!!


You're not alone. I can't explain why some parents belittle the only child who is helping them. It's almost like they feel that if we have time to help them, then we must not be worth anything. Some people say that older people take out their emotions on the person they are closest to because they feel safe with that person. I know that the first part of that is true, but I take the second part as lip service, especially when it comes to someone who is being abusive.

My mother sometimes tells me I'm nothing. To me it is just her being mad about her dependent situation. I AM pretty much nothing now except her caregiver. But she should be glad of that or she'd be in a nursing home. She doesn't see that, though. She needs to see herself as the matriarch and me as the willful teenage daughter. I try to let it go past me, but it does irritate me when she yells that I never do anything for her and don't care if she dies. I live with her, so the only thing there is to do is walk away and let her calm down on her own.

People on here will talk about how we should leave and how we should take respite. Those things are much easier to say than to do when dealing with certain personalities that don't want non-family helpers. Still, leaving and taking respite are the best idea. Too bad families don't all pull together when it comes to elder care.
cryssy2002, can you give us more information. What are your mother's medical issues? Mobile? Memory? What is your Mom able to do? Do you live with her full time or do you drop by daily to help? Or does she live with you? Were you employed when you started to care for your Mom?

If Mom owns a house and has good equity in the house, and depending on how much care she needs, it might be time to start thinking about Assisted Living, or skilled nursing home. Or even a professional caregiver to come by the house every couple of days to give you time off, if that could be found in Mom's budget.

Otherwise, have Mom sign up for Medicaid. If she qualifies, Medicaid could send an Aide to the house very now and then to help out. That will also give you a break, but it is hard to relax when you are so overwhelmed with the care.

Sounds like your Mom might have dementia by the way she is talking to you, unless she has always been that way most of her adult life. Now if this is sudden, Mom could have an urinary tract infection which can make elders act badly. The test for UTI is very easy, and antibiotics will help clear the UTI.

Maybe your siblings feel it is time to move Mom into a higher care level, thus the reason why they aren't helping. Too often we enable our parents which causes us to change our lifestyle to help Mom keep hers. It's all a personal choice.
You would be surprised how much 5-10 days away (from the high level of care you are giving constantly) can help. You are not stepping up for recognition. I know. You are stepping up because you care, and likely because your mother did the same for you hopefully. Taking care of aging parent reverses the equation, now they need their kids' help and for a long time didn't get their kids to listen or to do it their way either. Good thing she has kids or anyone capable of helping at all. I think what you're feeling is normal: this causes a lot of emotions and anxiety, and it doesn't help when the parent is continuing to dish out negatives about their situation or regrets and then directing that to you, just because you are their to help. Perhaps, ask a question that relays a positive memory for both of you and perhaps you will laugh instead of get her negative side. When I said 5-10 days, I just meant sometimes you need rest elsewhere before you come back to help again. 6 months, 10 years. Think days or weeks. That's all it takes. You certainly do not deserve negative comments and a bit of time away will help you re-approach in a new way. Good luck!
Are there any other relatives.. as in sisters or brothers of your Mom? Would they take her for a few days "visit". We send my Mom to my Aunts every 6 weeks or so, and my Aunt comes here in reverse. ( she is more "able" than my mom, but it gives her kids a break from visiting daily and such) We also take aunt on many of our family vacays.. they keep each other entertained and take some of the pressure off of us for entertainment. We are very much refreshed after a visit,, and it really does make a difference.
Thank you everyone. To answer some of your questions. Mom lives with me in my home with my two kids & husband. She is disabled, Dementia, BP, & diabetic. I have 1 out of town bro, & 1 in town sister. I feel guilty leaving her for a few days but I MUST. Funny how me taking a Few days of much needed break makes everyone angry, mean or condescending towards me. They are like why do you need a break! Well, I do need it, I have been her caregiver for 8 yrs. My husband loves mom but gets upset because we have chronically ill kids that need us/me too.
I think people get upset with us when we shake things up because they know we are the cornerstone that is supporting the family. If we are too leave, if only for a little while, it affects everyone. Most don't realize how emotionally taxing is on caregivers.
JessieBelle I think in addition to what you posted , they can easily dismiss the entire situation, go on with their own lives, and some how think , we "should" be the one designated care giver. For what ever reason. Geographic location. Employment status , Age of children, or lack of children ,or grand children. It makes their lives a lot easier and ours , wow. , what a struggle.
It sounds like your mom has more needs than you can handle in your home, especially if you have children. Is there a reason you haven't considered a nursing home near you where she would get the care she needs and you could visit her daily? If you don't get a break your health will deteriorate if it hasn't already.
I give u a lot of credit. Hard enough taking care of a child or children with disabilities but putting a parent in the mix with big health problems is too much. Give ur husband a big hug for me, he is a keeper. With ur Moms problems long term nursing is what u need. An AL is limited in what they can do for Mom. The Dementia will only get worse. Ask her Primary if he can suggest a nursing home. I checked out three and picked the one Mom is in now. I don't visit everyday but I am there regularly. The staff know me. I think she gets better care in the NH than she did in the AL. My daughter who is an RN and has worked in rehab/ longterm for 20Years and now an AL, now feels Mom should have been in LT from the start. So much has been taken off my shoulders. All her needs are met. I no longer have to worry about ordering her meds and paying for them. No more diapers, shampoo, soap, other personal needs to buy. They supply it all. This may sound weird to some but it was the little things I had to remember to do that was overwhelming. No dr visits, there are RNs around the clock and doctors. My Mom is to the point she knows no one or
Where she is. Made transition from AL to LT much easier. I have been doing her laundry but am considering letting the facility since I have seen how their's work.
You really need to be able to give all u have to ur family. Having Mom is just using up energy u need for ur children. Which is a job of its own.

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