I am so overwhelmed that I don't know how to be specific in asking for help.

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I have 4 siblings (1 sis, 3 bros) in the area who all visit weekly. I know I need some help but I don't really know what would make this easier for me. I relocated and live with my mom but don't really have a life outside of catering to her activities and needs. I cook, clean, wash, taxi, plan activities, etc. During the week when she wants to do things, no one is available since they all work. I go to every mtg, party, funeral, MD app. My mom sleeps til late morning & gets scared/confused if I don't answer when she calls, so I'm afraid to leave her alone before she gets up. She can clean & dress herself but is unable to get food; fixing breakfast at 1pm is frustrating, esp because she doesn't want to eat again at 6. I am tired of cooking and haven't found a menu that is acceptable for both of us. Even if I cook something she likes, my bro criticizes if we have it as leftovers. My living space is in chaos yet everyone wants me to provide constant entertainment and stimulus. I suggested adult day care for some activities since she sits up and sleeps all day, but sis and 1 bro claim I am being selfish for not doing more things with her, that she has lots to do with her monthly mtgs and would be bored with adult day care. She doesn't walk well, blind in one eye and is getting more confused/forgetful every day. I take her with me when I do errands; she sits in the car so I can't tarry. What do I ask them to do? I feel busy all day but not productive. I am often told that I should devote my everything to my mother since she raised me is 85 and I have more time left than she does. I acknowledge all of this but my mother had 6 kids, not just me. I know I need to adjust my attitude; I am weary and haven't done anything to prepare myself for a life once my mother dies. I'm sixty & no way financially prepared to be homeless (bro's house and he's already told me I am out on that day) What can I do to help myself and still provide a quality life for my mother? I can't think straight.


YOU should adjust your attitude? How about your siblings (and your mom) adjusting theirs?

Why does anyone assume that she would be bored at adult day care?

have you looked into assisted living facilities?

Enough questions for now; just know that you are not the one with the problem.
First of all, tell your siblings that if your Mom went to adult day care, she would be around people of her own generation, thus her mind would be more stimulated. How do they know your Mom would be bored there? Good heavens, your Mom could eventually form friendships and eventually look forward to going. It doesn't matter if your Mom can't walk well and is blind in one eye.... many of the people attending adult day care have age related issues, too.

By the way, 1 out of every 3 Caregiver passes away leaving behind the person they are caring. Your siblings saying *you have more time left than she does* is ridicules. Your siblings need to come on this forum and read some of the forums to get a better idea of what is involved with Caregiving, and what can happen to the person doing all the work.
Even before you take any "corrective action" with regard to your siblings, you both would benefit from getting mom on a schedule, something like up at 7 AM, breakfast at 8; meals at regular times. Do not let her get out of rhythm with the rest of the world.
Sorry you're so overwhelmed... boy do I understand that! Funny, I just mentioned last night that I had to adjust my attitude as well. I am the youngest and only daughter... 3 older brothers. Two whom live 20 minutes of us. They are zero help also. I too heard the sch-peal on what I neeeeeeeeeeed to be doing with and for my mother. I no longer listen to a word they have to say.

Not only do we carer's for our parent(s) get the joy of watching our loved one die a slower death, but we ourselves feel like we are dying right beside them. Frequentflyer is correct. More and more you hear of the carer have severe health issues.

Is your family coming by for the Holiday's? It would be a good time to ease into the conversation of "I need help"! Ask for at least one full day a week of respite for you. Let one of them sit with mom while you do whatever you please. Since you have more siblings than I, you should ask for two days of at least 6 hours. I bet they all change their annoying tune.

I know at least one of my brother's and his wife is coming for Christmas to eat my lovely prepared meal of take n bake pizza off paper plates. I no longer cook a big meal for them to enjoy while I slave away doing it all. My mother no longer cares what she eats and loves pizza. I will take this time to let them know that I need more help than a few hours a week from an agency. It's time for them to step up and be men and help their mother by helping me. Least that's what I have planned on saying... I may chicken out but I hope not!

Good luck and take care of YOU since there isn't anyone apparently going to help you with that.
I forgot to add another tragedy that often happens. Sibling part ways and a huge rift is torn in the family dynamics. For many of us it was our parent's that held the glue... this situation seems to unglue in an awful way. Be honest with them and sincere. If still no help do whatever needs done to safe yourself.
Start out by contacting your local area agency on aging; find out what supports and services are available. You may be able to get an assessment from them to analyze what supports your mom would benefit from.

Your profile says that your mom has diabetes; has she been evaluated for dementia, since you also say that she is "confused"?

I agree with Jeannette; your siblings should be giving you respite days each week. If they walk in your caregiver shoes, they will gain and much better understanding of why mom needs more outside stimulation.

I'm sorry about your job situation, as well as your housing situation. In part, you need respite so that you can work on your resume and look into housing options.
My big concern is how and why did this fall on your shoulders? Unless I am mistaken your Mom reared 5 children; so it seems 4 are missing in action when it comes to taking care of their Mother!

You need to let the rest of the children know you will be getting at least a part time job after the first of the year; to provide for yourself as your dear brothers and sister plan to kick you to the curb once Mom is gone. This is not the way normal families treat each other and you need to take care of yourself first. There are perfectly good facilities for Mom or even in home care. You could be there at night or the others could take turns.

Do not allow yourself to be sacrificed because your brothers and sister said it is to be this way. They are completely wrong and need to face the reality of what they are trying to do to you! How I would love to sit down and talk to them!!!
Thanks all for your responses. Yes, we will spend Christmas at my uncle's. Last Thanksgiving we all 6 sat down but it degraded into name calling and both my sister and mother crying. This is the 2nd kind of tragedy, Jeanette B mentioned. The POA brother took the insurance money from Mom's house fire and bought home which he put in his name. Everyone was shocked; he said he paid insurance so he reaped the windfall; that I and another brother were gold diggers. It was horrible and we haven't had a family meeting since. Part because 1 bro lives out-of-state, (so it just the 5 of us here) and we are divided. I got the job because I am only one without a spouse or dependents and since I lived away for 40 years, "it's my turn". I think that is the real reason they are reluctant to help. We meet every Thursday for family night-I shop, cook and clean, but we all walk on eggshells so not to upset mom anymore. I did call a social worker last week for help in finding a place for her to go at least once a week and they are getting back to me I hope soon. She gave me the telephone number for dept for aging and I will call them after the holidays. I also talked to SIL about supporting me in asking that each that one day of the weekend to be caregiver. I know they will view this as weakness on my part but I can't do this by myself anymore. I do thank you for your support and will try to use this forum more often. It is really easy to get lost when you are lonely and afraid.
Wow, sorry about all the stress and drama. It seems to me that if house insurance was in mom's name, your brother committed insurance fraud. You might want to point that out to him casually next time he bullies you.

Insurance money should gave gone towards mom's care, i.e., assisted living. I'm sure he feels really big conning his mother out of what should be a comfortable old age. He could have legally claimed his premiums, but not the settlement, unless the policy was in his name. If it was, he was within his rights. But it wasn't , was it?

Please don't have these discussions in front of your mom. Get yourself a therapist or mental health counselor who can help you work out these issues. Get a job at a day care and get back on track with career and planning for retirement.

Look into ALs that might be affordable with mom's social security. Is your state one that will accept Medicaid for Assisted Living? Be aware that if you apply for Medicaid, your brother's fraud may come to light. A better solution all around would be for you to be self supporting, brother sells the house to fund AL until Medicaid kicks in. Think about these alternative scenarios.
Unless the brother that took the insurance money paid every one of the house payments or paid cash for the house that burned.....he is a criminal and charges should be filed against him. It is also known as elder abuse!

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of strength, knowing what one person is capable of handling and seeking assistance. Best of luck!

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