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I am new to this group and being a caregiver. My struggle today is this: How do I find the balance between what I feel and know my Mom needs and yet still have her feel like she hasn't lost her independence? I am getting resistance from her in some decisions I've made, like trying to get her a home care provider. She was insulted and very upset about it, that she wouldn't speak to me. Granted it was more for me then for her. I am simply looking for a way to get some help, from someone anyone. I am afraid to leave her at home alone, so it has gotten to the point that my life has been completely put on hold. I'm afraid to leave to run errands, or spend the day with my son because I don't trust her to be alone for hours at a time. I just want her to trust me. To trust my judgement and to trust my intentions. I do not want to make her feel less than or that her feelings and wants do not matter. I do not want to make her feel insignificant. I feel like I am making her unhappy. I do not know what to do


PurplePrincess most of the people on this site have been where you are. The only advice I would give you is use your gut as a guide. If you feel like there is something you need to do for your Mom, just do it. You didn't say what your Mom's conditions are. Does she suffer from dementia? What are her physical ailments? People on here can give you better advice if they know all the details. Keep posting with more info.
Welcome, PurplePrincess! If she has dementia, your mother's lack of trust and understanding of her own deficits are a result of her brain being broken, and don't reflect her lifelong loving relationship with you. It's hard to wrap one's head around, i know.

Has she been worked up for dementia?
I am new here

I am new to this group and being a caregiver.

You have fond one of the better discussion groups. {My wife was diagnosed with Alzheimers in 2009.|}

she has or will lose her independence.

You will be getting resistance from her

She was insulted and very upset about it, that she wouldn't speak to me. Get used to having have tough love and taking charge.
I hope you have already engaged a eleder affairs attourney and have all the DPOA and mirriade of legal stuff in place.

You both must get some help

To trusting your judgement and intentions. Is historyI Forget about rational responses. we can run ourselve ragged trying to rationalize the irrational behaviors "Jolene Brackey, "Creating Moments of Joy"

Why do I choose to join groups. I frequently collect information from various Internet sources, and consolidate it.
Groups are a rich source for self education. As a Linker I associate and mash up information from different sources to generate new information. Reading , dissemination, information search, information organization, networking. This is all voluntary, I am very retired.
If you don't get help for YOURSELF, you WILL run out of steam quickly to help your mom. Accept that roles reverse. That mom is now 'the child' and you are the benevolent parent. If you care well for mom, you are going to have to make hard decisions. Mom is not always going to be on board.

Remember your priorities. Who comes first? YOU DO. If you don't remember that, your days as an effective and kind caregiver are numbered.

Always remember that you're doing what you're doing out of love. That you're doing the very best you can. AND that you won't be able to please mom anywhere NEAR 100% of the time.
Does mom live in your home? Do you live in her home? Or are you in separate residences?
Welcome. I'm going to start and end with quotes from the fab actress Bette Davis and throw a few of my own thoughts in the middle. "Getting old isn't for sissys". Now - I have been lucky in a couple of things; my parents made wills, appointed me DPOA and got their finances in order before they got ill. If your mom hasn't - but still is competent to do so get this done. While their accounts were a mess from a documentation standpoint - they had their own money. Which leads to, do you? If not, get in writing what your arrangement will be. Are you living in moms house? Who pays the bills? How are you being compensated? This might sound odd - this is mom right? But this site is full of care givers of relatives who find themselves literally homeless and broke because they gave up their own homes and jobs to look after a relative only to find themselves SOL when the relative ends up in a nursing home or passed away. Next - get a thick skin. While my mom was never June Clever she is now saying things that stun me. After five years of telling everyone else I deserved Daughter of the Century recognition for the excellent care I give her - she is now telling me she doesn't trust me, and thatI'm out to get her money. I know it's her condition talking, not her but it still hurts. Next - figure out an escape plan as detailed as you can get. Where will mom go when you just can't take it one moment longer and/or a medical condition makes it impossible for her to live at home. Finally - stand your ground. My biggest mistake has been giving in to her along the way to try make her happy, still feel independent etc. this way pulling the bandaide off slowly - in the end it did more damage and hurt a lot more than if I'd given it a fast rip - seriously! Now - while you could be the exception and of course it's not all bad - and there could be rewarding moments for you...I'm gonna close with my quote from Bette in her film All About Eve. "fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy ride. "
Great advice here. I'm not sure what else to say. It's sad when seniors don't recognize that the things we ask or suggest are really good ideas and there to help them stay safe and healthy, but it doesn't get through sometimes.

What I do now is pick my battles and step in when it's a biggie. I don't argue, I just take care of it and move on. I don't listen to protests or complaints. It has to be done, so I handle it. They adjust and get over it. Most of the time, my dad will hug me and tell me thanks. He'll say, I know you are just looking out for me. So, he knows, but sometimes, he won't listen.

We can't let the person who isn't using good judgment be the barometer. My satisfaction is that I know I did the right thing. Even if I don't get the hug and thank you.
PurplePrincess, welcome to the group :)

Of course our parent(s) aren't going to listen to us, we just the "kid" and what do we know :0 I checked your profile, please add some information so that we have more information to work with.

By the way, my 97 year old Mom didn't want any caregivers in the house to help her or my Dad. I remember when a caregiver called me saying your Mom wants me to leave, I heard in the background my Mom saying "if we need any help we will call you". If only she would have accepted their help she might still be living at home instead being bedridden in hospice due to a serious fall :(
Congratulations! You will make the best caregiver! By leading with your concerns for her dignity, your heart is in the right place.
Balancing that with self-protection, your sanity, and techniques will be the hard parts, so listen to caregivers who have been there, as posted above.
Great advice here for you. I totally agree with Sendme2help (above). Your heart is in the right place by desiring to help her keep her independence as well as honoring her in that way. However, my hubby & I are in the same place with my 97 year old father. He resents having to use a walker or be on oxygen fulltime b/c "that's for old people". We keep (gently and not-so-gently at times) reminding him to get his walker. He is not a fan of us having a friend come over to visit with him while we are out & about for our own doctor appointments or an occasional lunch out. So be it. We are dealing with reality here & that reality says that he is not able to stay on his own for ANY amount of time these days. We are trying our best to keep him from being bedridden in a nursing home. We talk to him about this every few days and he understands. But then he forgets again and walks away from his walker. What to do? Just keep doing what we are doing and ignore his silent treatment. He will get over it in awhile. He ultimately knows we are doing our best. As I'm sure your mother knows about you, as well. If you can find someone to come in, even for a few hours each week, do it. Give yourself a little physical break to do something or see some friends. Even for going into another room and reading a good book for awhile! Just to be off-call for that amount of time is a luxury but also an absolute requirement! Hang in there & look for the good moments with her each day. Then, relive them at bedtime. It makes for a sweet respite to end the day.

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