Hello everyone! I am new here and looking to speak to others with elderly parents that they take care of at their home.

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I came here to look for some support, I am caring for my elderly mother at my home and I have been for some time now. I have other siblings, but they don't want anything to do with my mother so that leaves all the care to me. My mother does nothing all day, but watch TV, chat online and complain. I think the fact that she complains constantly and doesn't appreciate anything is the biggest problem for me. i also have a 12 year old daughter that she has helped me with since her birth. My daughter is very attached to her grandmother. That's a good thing, but my mother thinks that she is now the SOLE caregiver for my daughter. My mother is very defensive and very paranoid. She complains about politics, local news, religion and anything else she can. I have tried to talk with other family members, but their response is always she is your mother and your problem. My step father passed away last year and instead of constantly fussing at him, she has now changed over to me. I am 40 years old and seriously have no life outside this home and work. I have been teased in the past with people saying "your life will begin when your mother is dead." They might be true. I also have a 20 year old son that doesn't get involved much with the situation. I just don't know how much more that I can take. I am also planning a cross country trip for a new job in Feb. 2015, which she is completely against. She has moaned and groaned about this move for months. Doing everything she can to talk me out of it and it is my dream job. I have regrets in my life that i didn't do, because she advised otherwise. I don't want anymore regrets. Sorry, this message is so long, but I hope someone can help me and maybe just say some friendly things to help me get through this time. I know someone has to understand.

12 Comments

I see from your profile that she is a "disabled 76 year old mother with multiple problems. she is has diabetes (which she denies), heart problems (which send us to the ER at least 3 times a month), and major joint aches and pains. But, mostly of all she is controlling and paranoid." How long has she been living with you? Does you 20 year old son also live with ya'll? He probably does not get involved because he does not want to be controlled by his grandmother.

Has her parannoia and overall mental health ever been evaluated by a doctor? What does her doctor said about how much care she needs? Who is going to take care of your mother and your 12 year old daughter while you go on a cross country trip for a new job in Feb. 2015?

I am sorry to hear that your siblings do nothing which is a common theme on this site. Not much you can really do about that, but it does sound like you need your freedom from your controlling mother before she dies.

Thanks for your comments. My entire family will be moving with me my mother, my son, and my daughter.. My mother is under medical care for all of these problems. She is on medications for all the mentioned problems. Since, she can take care of all her daily needs feeding herself, walking on her own and etc. the doctor doesn't say much about her needing extra help. My mother doesn't drive and usually only leaves the house a few times a month. Yes, my son lives with me he works and is in college. He chooses to ignore her most of the time. I just don't know how to break free from all of this. I can't put her into an assisted living facility, because she will not go. She is just ruining my life and I don't know how its going to get any better taking her along to another state and a new atmosphere. I am not looking forward to the drive with her at all. I just wish someone else would step up to the plate and decide to help. But, she has burned to many bridges with my siblings. I think that boat has already sank.
She obviously does not want to move. Awesome! Set up a private meeting with Adult Protective Services and explain that you are moving across the country with daughter, and mom is not moving with you. That you don't have POA, and that you can no longer take care of her, siblings refuse, and you want to turn her over to the state (state as conservator or guardian). The way they explained that to me is that they take care of her medical and finances, charge a small fee, and you as relative are free to visit etc but you don't make the decisions about where she lives. That is the freedom you need...
Thank you for your information.
If you do move with her.. put her butt in the backseat of the car and turn the radio up! But really, I feel for you.. you need to do what you need to do for your life, no more regrets! and if she really does not want to go. I agree with trying to place her somewhere. Actually this may "wake her up" to how good she has it. (but probably not...)
It's time you put yourself and your immediate family (your CHILDREN) first. Mom comes in after the three of you.

A good parent would tell you that we all make choices about our behaviors and those choices have consequences. Your mom has burned every bridge available with other family, but she still has you under her thumb. This cross-country move is the perfect time to cut the apron strings. Your children deserve a happy, healthy mom, not a mom who is consumed with making her demanding, selfish mother happy.

Try what surprise has suggested and see if you can leave her where she is. You can still visit her and advocate her, you just don't have to be with her 24/7. And keep posting on here and spend some time reading other threads. You are NOT alone! You will get a lot of support here from other caregivers. It's time to reclaim your life!
Look into the local office of the aging where your mom lives and set up in-home care. I am doing that with my father because I want children, but at this moment I cant even get a minute to wash my face properly let alone go on a date. Get that set up and then add something like a drop-Cam where you can check in on her from a smart phone or computer whenever you have time,,,.
Thank you so much for your comments. I am taking action to see what is available in my area to help with this situation. It is time for me to take care of my self and my family and take so much focus off of her needs. I feel like sometimes you just have to do things that are hard at first, but you always seem to better int he end. I love my mother, but I can't spend the rest of her life forgetting about mine.
Stacie, your Mom needs to be around people of her own generation, so she can talk politics, local news, religion, etc. with a whole new set of ears that will be listening.

I know you said she would refuse to go to assistant living, but what about independent living where she would have her own apartment? Bet she would be able to do things for herself if she really wanted to, and being around people her own age she wouldn't want to look helpless.

She doesn't want you to move, but you will be moving, so she has no choice but to look at and eventually move into independent living. Visit some of the nearby places, some might even suggest you and your Mom have lunch there. You never know, she might actually like the places.
I think a better solution might be to get her into an AL or independent living in the area you are moving to. You're starting a new job in a new state across the country from where you are now. You have no help from siblings.

You can't start a new job and than need time off because there is an issue with your mom on the other side of the country.

You're getting a fresh start and I think mom needs to go live as freqflyer said with people her own age, but do it at your new location. People telling you to just dump her and move are short sighted.

Bottom line you're a caregiver, you just don't turn that off. You leave her behind and issues arise and you will have a problem, you can't start a new job and say I need a week off there is an issue with my mom back home. Than add in the expense of flying at the last minute. Get her out there and start looking for places now in your new area.

Best of luck.

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