Husband with mild dementia steals money out of my purse.

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Married 30 years..together 33, in our younger days I worked, owned my own business, for 28 years, he worked for the Navy (now retired after 38 years). He also worked for me on weekends..he had his own money..but also demanded my pay and kept all my money too...said he paid the bills with it..After 8 years and not getting ahead..I withheld money and set it aside ..he did not keep the books at my store...Eventually I bought commercial waterfront property..all the while he was taking whatever he could get hands on, out the cash register, I had a red bag for the banking..I eventually had to get one with a LOCK..he did this GAS LIGHTING THING...I did not do it..you have no proof...I put a safe in the house and locked it..but even that did not keep him out he would the key...after 28 years we sold the property, the house, the business, I paid CASH for the house we live in....and paid off our debts...I bought a truck paid cash...and cash for our car...we were dept free...NOW he is the spender..and he has run up credit cards and wants to take a loan on the house..I SAY NO..YOU PAY them off you ran them up...NOW he is back to stealing from me...out of my purse..he just took 200.00 cash from me...I am a MAID...I have to clean a lot of house to get this saved...and it was for my car insurance...I have other savings...BUT I cannot deal with this...he had stopped doing this for about 8 years..and is not back at it..I have all my accounts in my name only..I just put my cash in a safe deposit box at the bank...and his name is NOT on my account...I never touch is money..even though it is in both our names..I have never written a check or asked him for a thing..but he is now forever again harping on wanting my money..just like he used to do in the old days..I tell him I am only making 1/4 of what he has coming in on his retirement and why should he begrudge me this pittance..I live SMALL..I never go to get my nails done, my hair done, I buy thrift store clothes,, and shoes and I do not have any access spend-age, I am clean and well groomed and Know how to trim my own hair, nails and care for my self..I buy brand labels and look smart in my jeans and tops...I keep things immaculate, and love my Lil Job at the UVA as a Grounds and care taker of the Lab and Dorms for the students..We lived like this many years...where he was doing what I call GAS LIGHTING..because of an old movie where the man wanted his wife to think she was going crazy..I am putting everything on lock down again...we do not sleep in the same room/bed for 3 years now..he has restless leg syndrome and kicks and punches and choke holds me and falls out of the bed and I never got to get any sleep....but NOW I have to consider him the enemy....I hate a thief..but here we go again...I am so naive..I forgive, I hope he will change..I want him to love me......but 30 years he has spent hurting me...and I am trying to save for our old age..nursing care, or funeral..but if he keeps this up...I am going to have him cremated divide the ashes with my sons...and with my part of his ashes..I will toss them in an outhouse and let the entire world S*** ON HIM..cause I am sick of this....I CANNOT TAKE IT I had all of this STEALING I can take...NOW I have to find a place to HIDE EVERYTHING lock my room..up tight..KEEP my car keys away from him...I know he got this money...cause he has gone out this week...he bought me home a box of candy...brought home Chinese food and 12 spring rolls, and got me a BEAUTIFUL CARD....for valentines day....He would never spend his own money on me...he never has in our life together..if he keeps it up..and I have to take care of him ...I have already scouted out a PORT A POTTY ...he s*** on me all our lives...he did wonderful for our boys..he loved and loves them ...but because of him..they treat me the same way he does...and think I am a money tree to shake even though they make over 100,000 per year on there own salary not to mention there wives...They see how there dad treats me..and they were doing the same thing....but I stopped driving that 5 hour drive to put 300.00 in groceries in there house, entertain and cook for the boss ...and clean there house and wash there laundry...and be yelled out and when I ask to spend a moment of time with to just talk...he tell me..MOM why does it always have to be about you? After I made all the beds, bought all the groceries, cooked, cleaned..did all the laundry....Cut the grass...I ask to just talk to him....and it is all about me....I stopped visiting..calling..and emailing...since I don't go up to cook, clean, and cut grass....I get no emails, no calls...and no visit...but my husband went up for 30 days..and left me here this summer to work..and when he came home..his Credit cards were well used!!! GAS, out to DINNER, Hotels when they went out of town...over 3000.00...so when my son said..come up..I said your dad said I had to pay for everything this time..if we come up..and I don't want too!

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I think that is the longest post I have ever seen on this site. Sorry, but I just couldn't get through it all. I would advise the poster to get some counseling.
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I agree about the credit cards. If your name is on it, call up the credit card company and tell them that you want to close the account. Also tell the person and send a certified letter with return receipt or acknowledge of delivery that from now on, they can only open an account with your signature. That they have no right to open one without your authorization. And if they still put your name on it, you are giving them advance notice that you do NOT want a credit card and any application with your name on it is a fraud. When it comes to credit cards, only the person's name on that card is Responsible for it. ONLY that person.

The next time you visit your sons, ask them or husband to pay for your share. If one of them actually do, do NOT be their housekeeper/cook. Tell them in advance that you will no longer be their cook/housekeeper. You now expect to be treated as a guest. And upon arrival, and they still expect you to do all that, then just cook the most simplest basic BLAND food as possible. If they complain, then ask them to treat you all out to dinner - as host - since as guest, you have done some light cooking.

My heart tells me that you should just pack up and leave them all. They all don't deserve you. They don't appreciate all you do. They sound like my father. Women are only good for housework, cooking, gardening, etc... but we know nothing about world events and keep our mouth shut. Work full time and still be expected to come home at 630pm or 7pm and still cook dinner -because that's a woman's job. That's what my heart would want you to do.

My head says that you may not be able to wing it on your own. Maybe try for a roommate or a friend that is struggling with the cost of living, and you moving in can help with the cost. Do what you need to do.
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Don't go. It should not cost you money to see your children.
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Then don't. Let go Let God.
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I am venting...I am betrayed, I am hurt beyond belief, Heartbroken, humiliated by him..and even though I say I would do that to his ashes..I was venting and never really would for the FEAR OF GOD!!! If we divorced..I have NO WHERE to go..I have no REALLY BIG MONEY...I am a maid..my little savings is pitiful..but he wants it...Who would by a House now days..it is 1399 sq foot cozy tiny thing..but nice enough..He has run around on me all our married life..and used the Money I worked for to pay for his women and rooms they stayed in...I hid this from my sons...and When I found out..I started putting my money into our kids education to have a legit reason for him NOT to get his hands on it..I started substitute teaching in the Winter and and met teachers who would Train my kids after school in Cisco Networking certifications..They were tutored from Grade 3...They both graduated 2 years early and went to work for me and for Ledo Pizza while still earning Certifications, there first real Job was with JC PENNY and they loved him...from there he was found by a good Christian Company..Morgan, who began paying for the Education and I then closed my swimming pool business after 28 years sold that, and the commercial water front property, paid off DEPTS and Put the rest Away...THAT was when I should have left him...as he was with another woman then too...and he was buying and paying for THEM an apartment near his work..with our hard earned money....MY SONS do not this...as He came home every night..he helped put in pools and PUT in the TIME...I have turned to GOD,,even though you cannot tell it by my VENTING above...I have come a long way...from being abused as a child..beat with a hairbrush in the face, my dad wanted all sons and he used to want me to play baseball in our yard with the neighbors, he was a fierce competitor..he tried to teach me to catch his fast ball and my brothers fast ball who was on a league...The ball would hit me in the face..and they would would all laugh..I would cry and want to run off and he would say GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE and CATCH this ball...over and over I would black eyes, and he would say your gonna learn to catch this ball...My neighbor Mr.. Price came out and stopped this and took me to his wife and his house and he was a frail old man and he told my dad he was gonna call the police but he never did...I got beat with a belt and thrown up side the the wall...I was made to go to my room every night for 7 years after doing the dishes...I was made to clean the house, my brothers thought it was funny to come in with grass on there feet and track through the house...my parents worked in a night club..they would come home and 3 in the morning raise me out of bed by my hair, and beat me black and blue and put my nose into ONE BLADE OF GRASS left on the floor...and make me go over and dust and clean the house till it was time to get ready for school...When I was 5 my mother told me to go outside and get my brother ready for dinner...he was 3 and playing in a mud hole..my mom told me in a mean and sassy voice...so I went outside and used this mean and sassy voice on my brother...my dad had been feeding his hunting dogs and was by the water hose...He said are you going to let a girl talk to you like that...STACEY said NO I AM NOT...he said well go kick her..and punch her..show me your a man..I could not fight back and I was under nourished and for 3 he was well fed ...I was kicked and punched...then my dad came over picked me up over his head and pounded me down in the MUD HOLE...and kicked me and yelled at me...NEVER TO TALK to my brothers like that....I was winded...dirty muddy and had just got my bath...and was suppose to get Stacey to give him his bath...I got up eventually with mama yelling at me..she grabbed me and started swinging..and beating me and telling me I was a filthy pig and that she hated me..and they both were mad and threw me in the bathroom and told me to get washed up and to wash my clothes by hand that she was sick of washing my clothes and taking care of me..I remember washing my dress and wringing it out..and washing up and crying til my chest hurt and sobbing...WHen they looked in on me...there was mud on the walls and in the floor and this just got her started on me again...so I started cleaning that after another beating...and then she helped with a towel and then I was to give Stacey a bath...I put on my pj's and gave him a bath and I can remember him and I laughing and me drying his blond white hair and bubbles on his chin and making faces with soap...when she looked in she knocked my head into the tub and told me I had no right to laugh...and thank GOD out land lord who was dads hunting buddy came to the door as I was about to be beat again...we did not have a phone at the time...and our calls came to him..My grand father in Kentucky had become very ill...and was dying and my dad had to go take the call...the next hours were confusing...hectic and hurried...and I woke up in our neighbors house...and was going to be staying with them..This was a different kind of house...there was rosaries hanging on a plaque..there was hugs and kisses..and prayers beside your bed at night..there was softness, and love, and tears over my bruises and whelps and bald spots in my head..and the lumps on my head and then a doctor to tell how my scalp tenderness was due to hair pulling..then when they came back there was anger...and accusations and we were thrown out of that house and it was my fault....my life has never included love..kindness, or kisses or fun...till I moved in with my grand mother at 17...after graduation...I was isolated away from the family from 11 till 17..not allowed to be with them..to watch TV...I had to work where every they were working to make my own money to buy my own clothes and pay my own way fro 13 years old..making money cleaning, THAT I knew how to do...I learned to be lifeguard, at one of the Hotels my dad worked at..my mother said NEVER to say I was her daughter, Never to look her in the eye, ..My aunts came to stay once when I was little..and they saw how she treated me..and they called my gramma to come get them cause they hated how she treated me and could not watch it..but no one stopped it..my dad got tired of beating us at about 13 years old and he just stayed away...if he was not working he was hunting or fishing or just gone...he got tired of it all..but never stopped her from beating me...I finally got tired it and ran away at 14...my mom had been beating me..and I had finally had enough so I for once..YELLED at her to the top of my lungs..she took a step back..and fell over a laundry basket...and accused me of pushing her..into the wall and her head went through the plaster...I NEVER TOUCHED HER And I SWEAR THAT on MY LIFE....she got up and said YOU PUSHED ME ..I never did...I ran out the back door and left...she called the cops and they looked for me...she wanted to put me in reform school...The cops looked and saw my hair pulled out in places, the whelps on me and the slap marks on my face...they saw the basket placed where it was and the cheap plaster on the wall and told my mom she should be the one going to reform school..my dad listened to her...but by then he had enough of all this...and he said I am NOT sending her away...instead he brought me a TV of my own for my room..and he got me a play by number organ...and sheet music...a Record player..and money for records...and he said he was sorry...he drove me home in his car...and said he had met another woman a waitress and he was friends with them..and there kids.....and he seen another way to live...where people l loved there kids..after that there was still abuse..but not everyday all day...from 14 to 17..I was still left in my room after washing dishes for the family...but now I had a tv, I had records I had an organ...and I got pretty good, I had a voice to sing..and my dad said..If you get straight A's through High school...I will buy you a car and send you to college...I DID Get straight A's...in 1974 I graduated..my dad got me a 1973 Duster, and I left home with in a week to live with my grand mother and I never went back...My dad came to get me..and asked me to please come home..but I told him...MOM Hates me...I cannot come back..my gramma spoke up and said ...CLIFF, she is my daughter now...You don't deserve her...my dad looked so sad and as if he had been punched...he said well I am gonna take the car back then...I said you go ahead and take it then...I will never come home..my gramma loves me..and I will work for her and live with her....I WALKED AWAY.....my dad left..and he left the car...too..my gramma said he was defeated...that even if he took the car..she would have bought me one...that I had suffered enough....then we started going to church...almost everyday day...I LOVED MY GRAMMA...more than anything and anyone..and she was the only person in my life that ever loved me....I wrote a song for her.....I call her Gramma thats what she was to me
Now shes and angel on our family tree
She never had a diamond
I never saw her wear a fur
or ridding in a limousine ..
driven by a Chauffeur
But now that shes in heaven...shes a ridding the streets of GOLD
in a chariot sent by the Lord
to a mansion she calls home...
THat is part of it......But this is my life...beat battered brusied and always looking for love...even after all this...once I got married at 25...I had learned loved, and how to treasure life and give my heart and trust in GOD...when I had my son...I was elated...but my husband left me in first week...to go with a woman and another man...and stayed gone a week...and who do I turn too..my mother who says STAY there and make the best of it...no one else wants you...He was 43 I was 25...he had children before..Our baby was sick..come to find out my hubby was making the formula to thin ...trying to save money..so I thought...but that is a whole new story...my sons were loved, and cherished, and never left in my parents care, and seldom without me ...I worked as a waitress then started my own business from home and then made enough to open a commercial business...GOD blessed me..my children..and I lived simple and small, I ran a swimming pool business for 23 years, my kids were with me..I taught Sunday School, Then went to substitute teach, later after the kids were in high school a friend opened a car dealership and I helped them in business and we opened MANY dealerships and did well for 5 years...I made enough to pay CASH for this house by putting it away...and when I sold my business I profited..and all this time my husband was with another woman he was working with...and loved part time..when we left he had to pay her off, 50.000 ...or she would tell our sons..even after we moved 5 hours away, from where he worked on a Navy base...she called to try to get him to come back to work there and live with her...I told him...if he went...STAY THERE and never come back...she sent letters and called and finally gave up...I thought I won...LAWD ....I have been betrayed since BIRTH...I have been to therapist...I have been on meds..and 4 years ago finally off them...I became a Catholic through years of Study and Reading the bible...I AM STILL A SINNER...and I am so hurt over things in this LIFE...I am THANKFUL that my sons have excellent skills and employed and are doing better than anyone ever could know...they Program the navy ships and airplanes and helicopters they have been awarded in many ways and they are Christians who pray and love..and they no NOTHING about there fathers transgressions...I have hidden them..from them all there life, I have built him up to be a GODLY MAN in there eyes, I have never complained in front of them about his exploits...he even slept with some of the women we put in swimming pools for..and women who drove my sons school buses and even my friends and a cousin...he was a good worker, provider and he was particular in how a liner when in a pool and always thought of safety first in installations...he helped in the swimming pool business and his work ethic far exceeded his marital vows...I have no outlet..no way out...we share everything in both names...he did make it so if something happens to him...I get his retirement check...THANK GOD...the problem is..I LOVE HIM...and want HIM WELL and I want him to LOVE me and TREAT me better...I do not want to be alone...live on my own, I am afraid of even worse things out there in the world...INSIDE this WORLD ...I know my enemy...is my own husband who..Loves/hates/uses me..I Know..he will steal..but at least it is in the family where the money goes...OUT in the WORLD..someone will steal too..but not be in the family...I know I will be HURT even more...that my kids will NEVER UNDERSTAND..They have a small DRIFT of us not getting along..they have heard about money missing in the past and only believe there father...so I am alone in this...I just have to USE all CHECKS now..and NO CASH...keep nothing on me..at all...He is very sneaky...There is more than stealing ....We now live in a RURAL AREA...there is NOTHING here, no night clubs, or big bars and everyone knows everyone...I opened a business here cleaning..and the first years I worked every day, all day several houses a day..then I went to work at a campground and he got a job there too...after that he started cleaning with me...and we were a good team...we got along..we got cameras and enjoyed taking photos, bike ridding, cleaning private beaches and for 4 years...he seemed to want to love me...and we enjoyed our time here we went to church and he actually got on his knees and prayed...he confessed and ..he went to every class with me...the priest accepted him as catholic and allowed him to take holy communion...and for 2 more years ...we studied the bible, we rode bikes we played in our pool and we enjoyed our sons comeing to visit and we went to visit and we got to see our grand children and finally I had the normal loving life I always dreamed of..I thanked GOD everyday...and praised and then dementia set in...and we are sliding back in time...my sons do not think it is dementia...he will not go BACK to a doctor...he will not get any treatment or have the MRI the doctor wants him to have..we are rural and only have nurse practitioners...so we agreed that he would go with my son...he lives in a metropolitan area. My son took him to one doctor who we went to for 28 years, my husband refused to fill in new paperwork..he made a scene in the dr office that he should HAVE his records...but the doctor saw him as a friend...and wanted him to come back and go to other doctors..he took Leo off the one pill the doctor had put him on..for memory..my son never took him to another doctor...instead he worked him to help build a new shed, used his credit car and ran it up...and after 30 days he kept telling me he would take him...leaving me here at home to run things and work while sending the bills to hubby to pay....well..he is back home...much was said..my son says his dad does not have dementia...but he does...he is child like..and sliding back where he came from...the only reason he is saying this..is because he used so much of his credit card...and my son makes...5 times more than we do on a retirement check..and he will not admit it....ever..since then he does not call like he used to...it is weeks before I hear from him...He says he is busy...I am sure he is...He had a new baby in November..we have not been to see Tucker..I had cataract surgery, and then Leo got Sick with Diverticulitis, I had to make him go to the doctor to get well and he found he had parasites..and I did not want to go see the baby when he is so sick...it is a 5 hour ride...I am still working....and it cost us about 1000.00 each time we go see both sons...we stay with one..and buy groceries and clean house for them do laundry and work..then the next son same thing...and I am to tired and don't want to spend 1000.00...in groceries and do all that work...this is how it has been for 10 years...and NOW I just don't want too anymore....
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How long have you had Asperger's?
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Choking someone is not a symptom of restless leg syndrome.

Is your name on the credit cards too? If so, close them all out and obtain a credit report from one of the reporting agencies. You're allowed 1 per year. If the cards are in his name only then don't bother yourself with it, let him deal with it.

He shouldn't be driving but it sounds like you may not have family support if you take the keys away from him. That's a shame because he's a danger to himself and to other people.

So what can you do about his stealing? Since this isn't new behavior have you done anything in the past that was effective? I definitely wouldn't keep cash on hand.

I understand the gaslighting reference. Today they call it psychopathic behavior, narcissism, and other assorted personality disorders. Can you leave him? You said, "I want him to love me". Why? Why do you want the pseudo-love of a man like this? He's probably not capable of love, it sounds like he's been a jerk the entire marriage, and after 33 years if he doesn't love you he's not liable to start now.

If you can't leave him, for financial reasons most likely which I understand then shut off the source of his stealing. Don't keep cash on hand and if you do, don't hide it in the house because he will find it. Keep anything you don't want him to steal in safety deposit boxes. Inconvenient? Yes. But necessary. If you want to save money for your future put it in an account with only your name on it and don't even let him know that account exists. Keep the pass book in the safe deposit box (preferably in the same bank as this account) and have the statements sent to your email address. If your husband knows your email address password create a new one, something he would never, ever guess.

And hope for the best.
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I don't know why you haven't divorced him already. I had a brother who was a thief. He would take anything that wasn't nailed down. When I was anywhere near him I kept my wallet locked in my glove box. He seemed to feel entitled to what other people had. The disorder started when he was a child -- he would steal my brother's allowance when they were knee high. He stole anything nice I ever had when I was coming up. Jewelry, guitars, stereos, music -- everything stolen over time.

It is never too late to stop the drain, but only you can do something. Personally I would have divorced him long ago if he had continued to steal from me. You can't love someone who does that. It is betrayal.
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What topic did you want to discuss, Sherry?

You put up with this abuse for thirty years. You allowed your sons to treat you the same way. Now that your husband's inhibitions have been lowered even more by dementia, you shouldn't be surprised that he is back at it. Do you want to continue to put up with it? Do you want advice, or just to vent? Venting is really OK here.

His sleep disorder sounds like it might be RBD. There is a very simple treatment for that ... one pill per night. (It is like an amazing little miracle.) Has he seen a doctor about this condition? If his night issue is RBD, his type of dementia has a high chance of being Dementia with Lewy Bodies. Have you discussed this with his doctors? Did he drive to the son's house? Is that still safe? There will definitely come a time, if not already, that he should not drive.

Dementia gets worse. That is its nature. Have you thought ahead about dealing with that? Are you looking into care centers? Do you intend to care for him at home? Do you want to discuss those options?

If you can be a little more specific about what you'd like to discuss, you'll probably have lots of responses on that topic.

I am really sorry for the stress you are experiencing.
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