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Kimbee - thanks for posting & continuing to be so supportive.
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Wow, emjo - that really describes him. I am going to do more reading on this. Thanks!
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Chimonger - you seem to have walked in my shoes & truth hurts. No, he thinks I am sleeping in other room because I "want" something. And he isn't playing the game, he says.
Absolutely I am NOT and NEVER will be a "player/cheater". Nope, not my character. I don't need a man, my intention is to take care of myself and I don't need another man in my life. I want my intentions to be focused on my family, church, and career. I was married before 27 years. Divorced. Almost married this time 10 years (May 2013).
My parents will be needing me in care taking, but I can't imagine them ever being mean and ugly. I could be wrong. My father was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. My mother just lost her eye sight in one eye due to macular degeneration. She fears losing the sight in her other eye. She is depressed over not being able to see like she could before, can't put thread in a needle, can't read like before, can't quilt making her perfect stitches. Little things, but I remind her that she should be so thankful that her health is great in so many other ways.
I have 3 sons, 4 grandchildren. I miss being active in their lives due to being tied down to this MIL and husband. Complicated.
Just getting out of the house, doing things, makes me smile again. But it was hard at first - feeling guilty. Long story.
Thanks for your wise, wise words of wisdom.
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Jeanne Gibbs - it still hurts to know the fact he doesn't care anymore. But I can't continue living a lie, either. I am continuing my journey of gaining independence and surrounding myself with positive energy from friends. I sold another house, I'm so excited that my career is coming back - but it's going to take time to build it back to where I should be. Baby steps. I can make it - with friends like I have here to encourage me. You are all AWESOME!!
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Ohio-glad u r seeing things more accurately, AND taking steps to be around others n pay down debt!! Good for u--whoohoo! Thanks for the regular contact w us; we want to know how u r, & support u & help u stay safe. Pls avoid spilling ur plans to him-it will make things worse-he will be more controlling, n pretend to care, to sucker u back in. Stick to ur plan... U can do this! Hugs, kimbee
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ohio - check out the narcisssitic male. That may well be what you are dealing with. Better to make informed decisions.

Definition of NPD:
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
~ Mayo Clinic Staff
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OhioGal08,
Yep--that kinda seems to cinch it.

He would do one of a few things....
----IF he FAILS to take any notice of you making changes he can see, like your hair, new clothes, that you are starting to fix yourself up more again, he is hopelessly lost.
It is possible that he thinks you spend the nights in other sleeping areas, an attempt to make sure he gets plenty sleep, and that is somehow supportive of his weird work hours--rotating shifts are killer bad news for anyone's behaviors and overall health!

----MAYBE he is slow on the uptake
---if you keep consistently working to fix yourself up, it might take some time before he takes note. IF/ WHEN he does, he will do/say things that express his fear of losing you, like, suspicion that you are going out on him--make sure you are loyally keeping your behaviors above board
--ALWAYS make sure you are totally irreproachable, until after any legal proceedings for divorce are final.

--Be prepared for potential reversal of his behaviors:
It is entirely possible [it has happened for others],
that as you take better and better care of yourself, fix you up, do things that bring you a Joyful heart, etc., that he will once again fall in love with the person he married.

ONLY by keeping circumspect at all times, you then have the option to work on repairing relationships, or splitting.
---Even if you cannot venison that right now.

[[yep--there are quite a number of times I felt like dumping mine--yet something seemed to keep me going, and stick with it--and here we still are, over 40 years later, and my DH is FINALLY getting the professional help he needed way back then--still not a bed of roses, but, hey!]]
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You do get it. He just doesn't care about you. I don't know how he could make that more clear.

Keep doing what you need to be doing for you.
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I have made more changes, but it's not going over well. Instead of sitting here at home, yesterday I went to my parents and also played with my granddaughter a while. Watched/helped with her homework. Was gone from 5 - 8pm) When I got home at 8pm, husband already in bed with note, he is on overtime, working 2:30 am to 2:30 pm. Ok, I settled in and turned on tv for a couple hours. Instead of going to bed in bedroom, since he was getting up at 1:30am, I decided to just sleep in family room. After he left for work, I headed into our bedroom for the rest of the night. Today, instead of sitting home again, as is expected, I contacted my best friend from school days, we met at for a bite to eat - spent 2 hours talking - it was great. It's been 30 yrs since we had been in contact with each other, have lots of catching up to do. I also decided to "do" my hair, which I had not done in a long time - usually wash, blow dry and go - since it's straight & long. Easy to care for. But today, on went the hot rollers - gave a nice bounce & I was surprised at just how well it looked. When I got home, I had brought home half of my order of food, because I knew he would enjoy it - he barely talked to me. I know he's upset. He went to bed early, around 7 again, but he is on early hours all week. Not once did he comment on my hair - how I looked. I don't get it. He just doesn't care about me. I could probably walk around the house naked and he would not notice at this point.
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OhioGal08,
My heart goes out to you! I know how that feels! I might have some advice for you--will send that via hugs to you.
It is based on hard lessons I lived thru to tell the tales.
Some or all of it might be useful for you, too.
Being Proactive in one's own care and defense, really helps.
The hurt will be with you.
But you will reach a point when you think, "maybe I was just too over-emotional, maybe things could get better between us, maybe...etc."
When you start thinking those thots, STOP!
Get a GRIP! Those things DID happen, and, you yourself are the only one you can directly change.
AS YOU change, others around you will also start changing--good, bad, or indifferent, simply because they can no longer be the same when you are different.
You have made some viable plans so far.
There are other things you can also do, to pave your path more smoothly.
Believe, me, most of us who have spilled our guts here, have been thru the wringers, and have damaged self esteem, damaged emotions, PTSD, etc. disorders to deal with in the aftermath.
You are in a good, strong boat, hanging out here!
If nothing else, it is healthy to have a place to dump to;
getting helpful suggestions and knowing others have been thru it and lived and healed, is icing on cake!
Give yourself generous time to heal--and when you THINK you are healed, stuff can still come up again--so more work is needed to heal that again.
These adventures are now part of your history, not your present.
That Mom is now in SIL's house, means she is NOT in YOURS!
LET her have her! It means you no longer have that burden.
The circumstances it took to get her out, may not be over, but they really are--she's outta there!
And you have a PLAN.
I call that GOOD!
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Ohio - you will not be the same person, but you will be a stronger, wiser, more self protective person, and that is good. Your priorities will have changed, and that is good. I think you will heal from all the damage of the past years, and part of that healing is the changes in you. A sadness may remain in allowing yourself to be used as you have, but that will be a good reminder not to get into that situation again. You said much earlier that if this relationship with your husband didn't work out, you would never have another one. In time, after you have achieved much healing, I think that you will be different enough that you will want, and attract a different kind of man. You know what you don't ever want again, now, and that is good. Hang in there for yourself, and keep your resolve. Your business looks like it is picking up nicely and I commend you on paying off debts as you have. That goal is in sight. It sounds like you are captain of your ship, and that is good.. ((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) Joan
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You are so right, desert192
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Best advice I ever received (and just keep saying it until you believe it)
"No one can take advantage of you without your permission".
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Kimbee, great to hear from you, also. Once my mother in law is "figured out" where she is going, who gets guardianship, then I can get on track with my future plans. Right now, with her NOT here, I am working all the hours I can - trying to renew my career, which thank goodness, is working out. Not by leaps and bounds - but making progress forward. I'm afraid to take on too much, in the event that I am temporarily back with MIL here under full time care again until things can be put in place for her. I have told ALL family members, I am not going back to 24/7 care for her. I just won't. I can't .... physically and mentally drained from all of it.
And I have no money to squirrel away yet, too many debts. But I am climbing out of that hole, too.
Yes, I would love to find a counselor for support and wisdom - but no one can help me until this rollar coaster of MIL is settled down. The fighting now and bickering is bad between brother and sister. My MIL is being brainwashed currently by my husband's sister - telling her that "we" are "greedy", wanting to take over all her money and possessions to do with as we please, not allowing her to have any say on life. Makes us sound like horrible demons! Then bad mouths other relatives about the situation. Is it really bad to want some normalcy in our life? To have mil in a part time nursing facility Monday - Friday 8 to 4 or 5 daily? It's cheaper than having in home health care ... but no, seems like "free babysitting service by me" is what everyone wants. Not happening anymore. Ok, writing a book again - I don't want to rant on. Solves nothing. I don't know how families cope with this. There has to millions like us, dealing with elderly issues such as this. Why can't it be easier?
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Chimonger, I feel like damaged goods - will take a LOT to get back to being the person I once was, if "she" can ever come back. I have so much sadness & hurt inside. At least I am not crying as much. Hard to explain, but I feel empty. Tired. Mostly just sad and broken. I don't want a pity party - that's not the point I am making. I allowed this to happen. Still struggling inside on how to heal and not be bitter.
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cattails, yes - I was smacked dead in the face with reality when he didn't care enough to take me to hospital. Then made jokes and snide remarks afterwards about it. While he continued to have me on the same path taking care of his mom. Frustrating.
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Jeannegibbs, oh yes - I have very much considered what to do, IF someone else gets the guardianship - such as a professional or his sister. I can show that I am not capable of caring for her 24/7 anymore. My husband is allowed to work a full time job, my sister in law is allowed to work a full time time job, with her husband home under a disability since he only has one lung from lung cancer. So I am going to show that I need to work full time, and why not? I served my "sentence for care" from July 2011 to current date. I am sticking to this and not going back.
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JudymW, I am not able to squirrel away any money until I catch up and pay off debts. That is my first priority - I can't be on my own with back debts and credit issues. Once I am in the clear, no reason to stay around. My paychecks from real estate sales will clearly show all money going to pay off credit cards and advertising expenses, (which my advertising and real estate costs will be caught up as of today). Which leaves me about roughly $10,000 to go - so I should be fine before the year is up. (As long as I can continue to work). When I can sell 20 - 24 homes a year, my income is close to $80,000+. When I only sell 3 a year - I can't make it and pay all the real estate costs it takes to be licensed, so I got over my head in debt about $35,000. And I am now down to around $10,000. This keeps me determined to stay focused and on track to financial freedom. I also need a car, mine is dying with close to 160,000 miles, air conditioning no longer works, and engine starting to clink. I'm down to only owing around $200 in past medical bills so that can be paid off with my next check. Then my laptop computer died, so I have to get another real estate sale to replace that, maybe two sales ... depends on the expense. Oh well ... I felt so "sunk" before, but digging out slowly.
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Well, court postponed. No guardianship put into place since my husband's sister decided to hire an attorney (using moms money of course) so SHE can have guardianship, and her attorney claims since he was "just" hired, he needs time to prepare - so looks like we are "off" again, until who knows when. For now, mom in law with my husband's sister.
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Ohio, I'm glad you're going to save and leave, but how are you going to squirrel away any money and not have your husband entitled to part of it (you don't have to answer that, but I'm thinking community property here). Can your son open an account for you to deposit into? Just a thought. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that your mother in law stays put at her daughter's.
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Hi Ohio, thank god u r still on course. I was so worried you had decided to stay in ur difficulty. Could u find a diff counselor who will support YOU, n YOU ALONE? You deserve that-MIL STATUS has little to do w YOUR NEEDS. Would you consider contacting a domestic violence agency? Abuse takes many forms, n the counselors r very skilled at helping w the types of problems you face. They do not require u to do anything u don't want to do, they provide great support at whatever point u r at, while u r working w them. True support there-I wish that for you! Regardless, we want to be here for u too. What can we do to help u feel supported? Keep ur chin up:)) and stay safe! R U doing something to reduce anxiety? Look up relaxation techniques. Deep breathing n mindful relaxation r 2 that work very well! I know ur closings will make u feel better too. Be a squirrel AND treat ur self 2 a little pampering too? Hugs n prayers to you, kimbee
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Chi: You are spot on with the last comment. Ohio needs to get out of this situation and I hope she does. Cat
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OhioGal08,

I pray things turn out well for you!
It is sad that episodes like this so badly test the strength of a relationship...it seems to bring out the worst in so many.
Dealing with sick unstable elders can break the most stable of people
....what it does to those of us who were not exactly stable to begin with, really hurts.
I hope you are able to put away plenty enough funds to be able to do what you need to do.
Just keep them separate and under the table.
People should always have backup resources and plans.

Be true to yourself, be healed, walk a good path. Be well!
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Ohio: Whatever happens, it sounds like you have not lost your resolve to extricate yourself from a marriage that is abusive. That's the most important thing in my mind. You will find your way and you will be successful. Just don't let your husband hold you back from a good life. Clearly, that is not something he is willing to offer you.

Sending you love and white light. Cattails.
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Have you considered what you'll do if someone else gets guardianship? For example, if the court appoints a professional?

Oh well, I guess you'll soon know the answer.
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ging80. There is no way I will get compensated for my time. Even after I explained to my husband, who is going for guardianship tomorrow (yes, after 3 months of waiting for court date to arrive), it was explained that "we" could ask for $1000 a month towards care, but he refuses. His goal is to use any of his mother's money "when" she is in nursing facilities or assisted care, for her needs. I am the free babysitter service. He feels that "I" don't work a 9-5 job, so why should I complain? No, I have a real estate career that I try to juggle my hours to keep and maintain clients, while I have a full time job caring for the family here, too.
IF my husband gets guardianship tomorrow, plans are to get MIL into day care senior services here in town, 8 hrs a day. They even will pick her up and deliver her home. It will run either $59, $69 or $79 per day - depending on the level of care she needs, plus transportation costs. Believe me, my MIL has plenty of funds to cover this. Problem will be: HOW TO MAKE HER GO!!!
She wants NO part of it - feels we are going to make her go to prison.
I've told my husband, either she goes with this Day Program OR it's going to be 24/7 care at a nursing facility, at least until I get stronger health wise and mentally. I am so drained.
If he does NOT get guardianship, he tells me that his sister can have her totally, to with as they please. It's not worth it to fight over his mom - when she drives all of us crazy. Why does she like to pick fights? Loves drama? Make insane accusations? Then sits back and smiles. She doesn't stop until she gets a reaction. The only thing I can do at times, is lock my self into my office or bedroom. I can't leave, if she is here, because she could fall, etc.
She can't be left alone. Period.
Yes, my husband can "distance" himself like an off and on switch. I've never seen anything like it. He claims he learned this from his prior divorce counselor, when he and his first wife went through a divorce. I've learned first hand what 'stone cold" is... it's sad to be so self centered. My opinion.
I have such an open heart, with my goal to keep everyone happy, content, positive. I try to look for good in everyone. This is why the customers I work with "love" me - truly appreciate the extra I do for them, because I care. Plus I am honest. My job in real estate is challenging at times, but negotiations can be a win-win with the right outlook and laying out facts. Wish my marriage and family issues could be like real estate!
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Chimonger: You are right on with my life here. My husband's sister will not keep her long, since my MIL is not the nicest person. Very hard to deal with. 3 times we have had my husband's sister lose it - saying come get her, we are throwing her out now. And once, down at my MIL's home in Florida - they actually got into a physical fight where there is still an open assault case. That is why I am worried, but it's not my mom. If my husband is fine with it - why should I care. But I do.
Yes, my husband needs a wake up call and counseling because his wife is walking out the door once I get financially able. Too much has happened for me to change my mind. Maybe this isn't the place to vent this - it's supposed to be about elderly care & seeking help, not how it drives people into divorce. My husband has a mean evil side to him, when he doesn't get his way or do what he says. He scares me at times. A long time ago, I was told "be careful when and where you pick your fights". That is so true for me now. Laying low until I have the means to do it right, making smart decisions. Not out of desperation. Slow and easy planning. My friend told me not to be a conniver - I'm not. She doesn't know how much I have been through and some people will never understand. So why explain. So thankful I can write how I feel here. Sometimes I am writing with tears running down my face, deep hurts. Then a voice responds via comments here & I get hope back. Taking care of my MIL has been such a thankless job that has turned my life upside down. It would be different if she "liked" me, but she doesn't. That is the problem. My MIL feels "I" am the one that took away her independence. "I" am the one that doesn't give her the food to make her whole again, give her back her balance to walk. She forgets that it was me, not her children, who arranged skilled nursing care and home phys therapy to make her stronger. I fix all meals. I wash all her clothes and bedding, accident clean ups, etc. It's the age and alzheimer's disease. My MIL "HATES" her son-in-law, though. 100x worse than the dislike she has for me!! So, good luck to you, dear sis in law - good luck.
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Cattails, Yep - I have not forgotten prior conversations. He is not here for me, not now and probably never. He has ignored my pleas for help and assistance, deaf ears. Didn't care when I went to my family doctor over stomach issues. Didn't care when I started going to counseling. Didn't care when I was telling him of chest/neck pains. Didn't care when I told him my son was upset over me not being able to visit - it's been a year. My goals are to focus on work, make money, pay off debt, be on my own.
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Thanks JeanneGibbs. I have my priorities in check & hanging in there. How are YOU doing?
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Kimbee, thank you for taking the time to post back. Yes, I figured out how to rearrange time so I can work & sell homes. Got 4 homes under contract with 2 of them closing this week. I have also re-connected with a couple friends which helps. The counselor is on the back burner for now. He doesn't even want to see me until guardianship is in order. We just go over the same things ... no progress. Tomorrow is the big day. Either my husband is awarded guardianship or he doesn't. He tells me if he doesn't, his mom is to stay with his sister - let her spend all the money, abuse her, whatever. Without guardianship in our court, we will all go crazy here. I don't see how the court would side against him, since he is financially sound & obtained his bond, etc. But who knows? Sometimes it boils down who has the best attorney. Doesn't matter right or wrong.
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