Husband has been in nursing care for a month now.

Started by

I miss him so much even though I see him every day. He has failed so badly in this period of time.He is heavily medicated, has no interest in food. , no longer walks.and has lost 10 lbs. I feel I condemned him by placing him. My good Lord, what can I do? I'm always on their case there.

5 Comments

You have not condemned your husband by placing him there. His doctor must have determined that this is the place where he needs to be. Prayers and hugs.
Xhausted, if I recall your previous posts, he had become violent at home toward you, yes? They can't allow him to hurt anyone in the nursing home. What medications is he on? Will they consider cutting the dosage to see if they can get him to the point of calm attention, but not a danger to himself and others?

Your job now is to advocate for him. It's almost as tiring as caregiving sometimes, but safer :.)

What you've done is save yourself, no one can condemn you for that.
He has failed badly in this period. That is what people with dementia do. Failing is part of the disease. Maybe he would not have failed at this rate or in quite this way if you hadn't placed him, but he absolutely would have failed and continued to fail until his death. You did not condemn him to this ... his disease did. It is a horrid, terrible disease!

Your new role is as an advocate. You have to recognize the challenges the care center is up against with him, and respect their needs to minimize risks to him and to others. The advocate role should not be you vs them ... but conversations about how best to work together for his good.

I often missed my husband during the ten years of his dementia. In some ways I missed him more then than I do now, two years after he died. He was there (we lived together -- he never went into a care center) -- but he was not there at the same time. Therapist Pauline Boss calls this "Ambiguous Loss" and the concept helped me understand what I was going through.

The enemy here is Dementia. It is not the care center staff, it is not your husband, and it certainly isn't you! Of course you miss him and of course you miss him ... you are mourning a great loss. This is not how you expected your marriage to play out. Don't let that natural sadness turn into guilt (none of this is your fault) or to despair. I hope you can cherish any good moments together left to you.

Keep in touch with us. We care!
X, I want to second Jeanne's thoughts; SHE'S been through this with a spouse, and I have not. I want to encourage you to have a checkup with your doctor, maybe talk about depression meds if you're not already on them. You sound discouraged and you want to make sure that you're taking really good care of yourself right now, so that you CAN be there as an advocate for your husband. As Pam always says, make the director of nursing your best friend!
So sad reading this post. In our minds, we are dammed if we do, and dammed it we don't!! Our minds just make us crazy thru these tough times in life with our loved ones! Must feel the feelings...and in time..."time" will heal the wounds. Many hugs...many on this site understand!

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support