My husband is leaving me

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Last night my husband helped with putting mom to bed for me or at least tried. He wheeled her into her br because she can not walk. Asked her to put her arms around his neck so he could transfer her to the bed. She said NO! So he asked her again and again the answer was NO! He said well can't put you to bed if I can't get you to give me a big hug so I can transfer you to the bed. She folded her arms and said again NO!! So trying to get her to laugh he said okay I'll sleep here in your bed and you can sleep in the chair. She said go ahead I don't care. So he finally picked her up and put her on the bed. Then put her night gown on her , and she took it off, This has happened before and we just laugh. So he put it back on her again then removed her diaper was putting a fresh new one on and she yelled your hurting me. The tab was under her and he was trying to get it to fasten it to the top. She accused him of pinching her. So I went in and checked , no red marks on her skin, the only thing was the plastic tab was sticking into her side where he tried to get it out. So I tried to explain to her what had happened. She went into a mini grand mall seizure we think . Her face was red, ridged and her eyes were fixed and her moth was twitching. I kept talking to her and it took over 5 minutes to get her t come out of it. I called Hospice and talked with the ER nurse and I had done everything right she said. She takes Xanax to keep her calm so gave her a half dose more than usual to keep her from hurting herself or us. It took over an hour for her to calm down. She slept from 8:30 p.m to 12:10 p.m . She woke up and wouldn't talk with him or even look at him and wants him no where around. Se is living in our home and we are waif or the state to get of their butts with the paperwork to get her in a nursing home. last week there was an opening but we couldn't transfer her because the State is holding us up. He is going to leave because she doesn't want him around her but it's his house. I can't take care of her by myself and I have no income on top of that. I don't know what to do. These two have had disagreements in the past but this is different. What can I do?


Your poor husband! Do what you can do to have your mother placed immediately and let your husband have his home back. I hope you can patch things up.
Wow, what a painful, painful situation. My heart goes out to you. Hugs all around.

Does the hospice organization have a residential facility -- a hospice house? If so, try to get Mom moved there.

Make an appointment to have the hospice nurse and social worker come to your house together, preferably with both you and your husband there. Lay it on the line what you are going through and how hard this is. Hospice is amazing at cutting through red tape. Get them involved in solving this issue.
The Hospice that we work with doesn't have a hospice house. but there here every day. We have a can 5 days a week the nurse comes 2 times a week or more if needed. The social worker comes once a week and has been working her tail of to get mom placed in a home and the Chaplain comes once a month but we can call her anytime. The hold up is with the State of Maine, the Gov, has made so many changes that no one dares to move without DHS's consent in black and white that the homes will be paid. The can just left and mom told her this afternoon 3 women died in her bedroom. She is the only one in there but she's seeing people and there telling her what to do. We try to tell her it's okay and that no one is there and no one is going to hurt her. We are loosing the battle fast. Plus we are in the middle of a nor' easter so you can't really get outside for a breather. The snow is blowing around every where. BRRR!
What a hideous mess. I hope what the governor is doing is absolutely essential and will be an improvement and it isn't just some political grandstanding. Either way, there are real people behind the scenes, hurting. If hospice is working on your mother's behalf you really can't better help than that. I think you're just going to have to hang in there.

Meanwhile, poor hubby! He sounds like a good sport and a good helper, who has simply reached his limits. Hospice offers some respite, right? What if the two of you took advantage of it and had 5 days to yourself? This isn't going to last forever and if the two of you can somehow draw strength to see it through together you will sooner or later have the rest of your lives to live more normally.

Hugs to you, and hubby, and mom ... and the hospice staff!

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