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Also, it's not just her parents, but their gazillion house cats. They have to drive these cats to their vets several times a week. And then their vets have given them several other cats in addition to the cats they own. One time the vets promised to cover a cat's medical bills, but the others they haven't (and one is a special needs senior). MIL does all the feeding, grooming, cleaning after and medicating of these cats. She seems very unhappy/stressed with it (though she cares for a couple of them). FIL has bragged he'll spend all their savings on vet bills.
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You make an excellent point, Linda. This is why I'm actually concerned for her now more than ever. Last year she at least could talk/vent about it. These past few months she's been super quiet. That and the fact we don't hear about the grandparents having life-threatening issues until way after it has past is what is most concerning and very much not like her.

That said, she *does* actively keep her son in the dark. It's something she and my FIL have always done. I'm sure they think they are protecting us, but it makes things worse.
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Greta, you said that you would have faith in them doing ok on their own if she didn't have so much to do to help her parents. She may be in that frustrating position where her parents only want help from her, don't want to move from their home, want her help keeping their life as they always have had it. Every hospital stay points out to her their increasing needs and perhaps the riskiness of them living alone. Add to this her own husband's health issues, and she must feel like she's on a hamster wheel. Maybe she's being quiet about her parents because she's trying to sort thru a difficult situation where she only has partial control.
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Thank you, All, so very much! I think it is good my husband is going on his own this time around. I think in the future we will stay at a pet-friendly hotel when we visit as a family...but my husband needs to go down on his own a few times a year. That is really the best obsever if something is going on, because even if we didn't bring the dogs (which really isn't an option for us) bringing our daughter with each time is a big distraction.

An important thing to keep in mind about my FIL is he is an exception when it comes to technology. Unlike most people his age, he is actually *obsessed* with it. MIL is very careful about making sure financial matters are up to date. She was always mostly in charge of that. If she wasn't having to take on so much with her parents and their cats (they drive to the vets several times a week), I would completely have faith they are doing well enough to handle things on their own. My big concern is that a year ago, MIL was open with me about her parents and is now super quiet. For example both her parents have been in the hospital a couple times for very serious matters, and DH and I won't find about about this until a week later. One time, his grandmother called to apologize for sending a card late and mentioned after the fact she was in the hospital.

As someone who cares about her MIL, FIL and hubby's grandparents (they are my family to me), I'm very concerned for all of them. As someone who loves her husband, I am pissed. It is very unfair to him on so many levels that they keep him in the dark—especially as he's their only kid. I cannot imagine doing this to our daughter when she is an adult. I love that MIL opens up to me (perhaps she's expecting me to talk to her son), but he needs to hear some of this from them, and we really need them to open up about what going on. At the very least, it prepares us if someone's health (physical or mental) is on the decline. At the most, we can help them the best they need and want. I wish they'd understand that!
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Great list!
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Leave the dogs at home. Your brief description indicates that they are high-maintenance. This is the wrong occasion for that level of distraction.

Things to check (and do not feel bad about snooping): Is the cleanliness of kitchen and bathroom below their usual standard? Does the house smell musty (or worse)? Check fridge for expired food. Do they rely excessively on processed food/take-out/microwave meals?

Are mail and papers in disarray? (Check mail for $ solicitations, religious or otherwise.) Are there pointless multiples of non-perishable food, OTC meds, first-aid supplies and household gadgets? Are store purchases (in bags) and gifts (in bags) stashed in odd places?

Look for excessive and/or unaddressed to-do lists. Look for notes to self and/or how-to write-ups -- such as "turn off stove" or written directions to operate the microwave, etc.

Take note of odd "hacks" such as taping a light switch up or down, piling a bunch of crap in front of a door "for security," etc. Do they insist that a phone, remote or small appliance is broken, when the truth is they can't figure out how to operate it?

Is car registration, inspection & insurance current? Check the car for scrapes and dents.

A biggie: Check dad's browser history. Most guys his age don't love technology all that much. There's a very good chance he's ordering weird crap online, screwing up their bills, engaging with scammers and such.
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I agree with cwillie.

It is time.

What you are describing is very common: children have an inkling but are far away and visit only every few months.

Move. Act. Trust me on this.

Right now you are up in arms about dogs and cats. But as you say, there is more and it is already happening. Snap into action! Don't wait until they have done something irrevocable with money. Then you will truly be singing the blues. It can be ruinous.
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Oh my, it sounds as though FIL does have dementia and poor MIL is run ragged trying to care for 3 people. I think it is definitely past time for a face to face, serious conversation about this. Is she in denial, is she aware but trying to sheild that knowledge from the family for some reason, or is she just so overwhelmed she can't begin to think straight? As much as you have the urge to ride in like white knights to solve her problems you are really powerless without her support.
I would make the trip with your husband, I think it will take both of you voicing your concerns to get through to her. The dogs and DD will be a distraction but better to take them all then not make the trip. It sounds as though it is way past time you had "the conversation" about their future needs and plans and getting all the legal documents in order. Don't push, she may react by throwing up emotional barrier, simply state the things you have seen and ask her what can be done to help. It may be helpful to go armed with some information on resources available in their area. Number one is to figure out a way she can get some respite.
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MIL is in her 60s, but she's been through a number of surgeries (hip and knee). She still limps, but takes care of most everything—including bringing food and water to FIL when he's in the basement on his computer (he used to take care of himself). FIL is in his late 70s. He's had 2 heart attacks and a back surgery, but he seems healthy/in decent shape (moves around okay). MIL does *a lot*. She waits on him, she cares for her parents, and medicates, feeds, and cleans up after their gazillion house cats. This is part of why I think there may be a senility issue going down.

It is a 5 hour drive. It is very hard for us to leave all the dogs home. We have 3 dogs. One does get left behind (or I stay with him while DH takes DD). Another is very geriatric and would not do well with a pet sitter (she has stress seizures if she doesn't come with us). She has been up to visit the ILs for 12 years and never caused any problem. The other one has terrible separation anxiety and he is tiny (10 pounds). All of them are very well behaved. The older and little dog have been visiting for years. DH's grandparents love seeing them and are sad if we don't bring them both.

But FIL has strangely become obsessed with dogs killing his cats. Our dogs live very peacefully with our cats (and have been with theirs), but FIL is convinced they will hurt his cats—even our little dog who is smaller than their cats. Once he randomly told me if he was ever walking his cat (he's never walked his cats) and someone's dog attacked the cat, he'd kill the dog.

Later, he yelled at our little dog, because he did a play stance (bowed on front legs) and wagged his tail at a cat who was bigger than him. This is not at all like FIL. When we had 2 other dogs (who passed away), he loved them as much as we did for 10-11 years. No one has tripped over the dogs.

I try very hard to schedule trips several times a year, but it's very hard. DH is the one to finalize things as my job is a lot more flexible than his. He perpetually puts off making time to see them unless I hassle him (which I *hate* doing and don't feel it's fair I have to do—but I still do out of guilt and feeling the ILs need us to visit—MIL seems lonesome and we need to talk). This makes it difficult for me to secure pet care (we have a couple cats—as well as the dog we leave home).

But—pets aside—this is a very small part of our concerns. Each time we go to visit FIL does weird things like he keeps repeating the same things....like this horrible story about a baby relative dying when he was a child. He's also said a few inappropriate things in front of DD. Most of the time she's been little enough it's gone over her head, but she's getting older now and we worry she is going to pick up on it. He's always had strong views, but he used to have a better filter around kids.
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Greta, I'm just trying to get a sense of the back story here. How old are your inlaws? You mention MILs parents are in their 90's so I am guessing they are in their 70's? And just how far apart are you, is this a once a year visit or is it doable more often?
This article may be helpful:
www.agingcare.com/articles/signs-your-parent-needs-help-143228.htm
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You might want to look at leaving the dogs home from now on - I've noticed that when the kids bring the granddogs for family gatherings, it's a bit chaotic for our elderly parents. Plus adding movable tripping hazards. It may be more commotion than your inlaws can handle.
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Thanks. to be honest, the only thing I can think of is STAY a WHILE, like a few days.

It is VERY, VERY COMMON for elders to mask their problems and deficiencies for a few hours. It is only when you are under the same roof a prolonged period that you can see what is really going on.

Go with him. You nee dot see this, too.
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I would recommend just being himself and going for a visit. Make it as long as he can without wearing out his welcome. He'll notice things that are off. Are there bills out that haven't been paid. Are the conversations making sense? Is everything still logical? If there are irregularities he will notice them. If you've heard them on the phone, he'll probably notice them even more in person. I think it is a good idea that he go up alone. That will reduce the stress on them and there should be less showtiming.
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Dear Husband and Dear Daughter.
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What do DH and DD mean?
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