My husband has forced me to care for his Mom.

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My mother in law has Alzheimer's


Hi. Welcome. Can you tell us more? How is he forcing you? Does she live with you? How can we help?
Keri, You should talk to your hubby, tell him you will not do this. His mom is not your responsibility. Do the research and find an appropriate facilitymfor her to live. Is she living with you?
I'm sorry, when I started this discussion yesterday I couldn't find it so I thought it was lost. Thank you!!!! I will explain everything and maybe you guys might have some suggestions
You took vows to him, not to his mother. Tell him honestly this is more than you can handle and he needs to look at other options.
Glad you're back. We'll have ideas, promise!
My husband and I have been married 18 years. He is and has been verbally and mentally abusive our entire marriage. We married young and have three kids. I have tried to leave several times over the years but having no income and depression and panic attacks, and the finances being completely controlled by my husband, it's just not as easy as people would assume. I had been an at home mom until my youngest turned 12 and finally got the courage to go to school and received my license as a CNA. I was offered a job immediately and worked in a alzheimers/dementia care unit. I loved it! The hardest but yet most rewarding job! the residents truly blessed me just as much as I was able to bless them. About 8 months after I began working, I was having a lot of pain and found out at dr apt that my spinal cord was being compressed and I had to have surgery. I had a posterior cervical laminectomy with fusion on 5 levels. March 2014. It's a a year recovery with no guarantee full recovery. Because I had so many levels fused I have limited range of motion and my spinal cord is damaged so I am physically limited. Which as you all know, any caregiving work is very physical work. That's a bit of background, sorry for the long post. I think that in order to explain the situation at hand these things need to be clarified.
I have been caring for my mother in law for three years, when she was still living on her own ,since her diagnosis. As her memory declined, I had to be at her home more frequently and eventually was handeling everything for her. When I realized that it was no longer safe for her to be at home on her own I let my husband know and he insisted she remained at home. When I told him it was getting hard going over there all the time and with my own physical conditions and with having three kids and a household to run, he got mad at me and yelled at me that I was selfish along with his regular favorite put downs. I tried to reach out to my estranged sister in law to try to let her know about her mothers condition and get some help but she refused to believe that her mother had alzheimers even though I had been at all doctors appointments and testings. She got frustrated with me trying to convince her and she hung up on me and never heard from her again. The rest of their family is spread out through different states and I don't even know them. Not only has my husband not appreciated what I had done for his mom he minimized what I did as sliding a meal over to her and giving her medications , and he never helped with anything, even if I begged him to. I knew that if I stopped caring for her, there would be literally no one that would do it. She began trusting only me. Everyone else caused her anxiety, which is understandable because of the temperament of my husband. I ended up having to spend a lot of my time there and still make sure everything was handled in the house so that my husband would blow his lid and working. 9 months after I had my surgery and still recovering, my mother in law was rushed to the hospital. I met her there and she had a blockage in her intestines. She was in the hospital for two weeks, and they were going to send her to a nursing facility and my husband literally made a scene in the hospital that she was not going to be sent anywhere. He demanded me to care for his mom at our home, he screamed at me everyday throughout the day, belittling me. I kept telling him no, I couldn't do it because I was still recovering from surgery and it was obvious she had declined from the incident. I felt horrible that I couldn't do it, especially knowing that I'm the only one she trusts. I stopped visiting her at the hospital because when I did my husband would say things to his mom there about me and then bash me about how awful selfish of a person I am to let the hospital send her to a dirty nursing home. But the daily put downs and manipulation and I broke. The hospital released her to us and we brought her home. I had neck flare ups about every two weeks , so bad sometimes having to go to the Er . But of course whenever I tried to talk to my husband he insisted I did nothing but slide her a meal. I was stuck. But I continued caring for her anyway and I did my best to make her comfortable and keep her happy. It was hard mentally and physically. It's not like working an 8 hour shift and coming home, you never get off work. I couldn't go anywhere. And if I did sneak off somewhere by myself , my mother in law would whine to my husband when he got off work and he would go off on me for not taking her with me to enjoy being out to. There was nothing I could do that would have been good enough. About 4 weeks ago I had to rush my mother in law to the Er, she was having the same exact symptoms as before. My husband yelled at me for taking her in for a mere "flu" and when he met me at the hospital, I left him there with her. She ended up having another blockage and when nothing was helping after a week or so, they decided to do emergency surgery. After another week and a half or so, my husband called me about the hospital once again wanting to send her to a rehab. He did not ask me anything he was telling me he was waiting to hear back from the dr so they would release her to him. I told him that I wasn't comfortable caring for her here when she just had surgery and was able to convince him that I was not trained for wound care. He gave the dr a go ahead to send her. Then he called me back furious. He told me that I didn't value people because I've never been wanted by anyone in my life, he told me I had no compassion and that I was selfish and vindictive and evil. He went on and on. He fought me hard everyday, more then normal. But I kept saying no! I would not care for her at home any more. She had declined so much after the surgery, she now required a lot more care then before. I repeatedly told him no. I even suggested (hopefully) that he move in with his mom at her apartment and care for her there. Of course he refused. At this point I was scrambling to find somewhere to go. I couldn't take the daily bushings. Because he is controlling I have one friend who moved to Sacramento a year ago. My oldest daughter is 20 and she is expecting in August, she still lives with us, my 19 year old son has aspergers and has a great job at ralphs grocery store that he loves, and my youngest is still in school in 8th grade. I searched online for resources, I made calls to whoever I could think of. I emailed the police department to see if they would be able to do anything if I called in for an officer when he started in again. They replied and said the only thing I could do would be to make a report every time. I cannot go back to being a CNA because of my condition. I have applied to several jobs, nothing. Anyway I kept on throughout days and days told my husband do not bring her back here!!! I won't do it!! This last Monday night, late at night he brought her here, put her in her bed and the next morning took off to work before anyone was awake. She was there in her bed. I was furious and panic. There were release forms in the counter which I read through stating that my mother in law now had 13 different medications and now had a pressure sore on her left buttocks that needed daily treatment, it also said she needed assistance with all ADL's. I was an emotional mess!! To say the least. I called my husband and he kept hanging up on me. He texted me telling me that she didn't need much, just meals given to her and then business as usual. He said that he told our daughter to give her meals and that he would handle the rest so that I could go ahead and be my selfish self, and not care about an old woman who loves me. I have been emotionally exhausted. It is gut wrenching hard for me to not care for her, :( My husband has not done one thing at all to care for her. I am still trying to get out but have no money to do it, no where to go. I'm pretty sure that I had a mental breakdown last night. I've had panic attacks all day today and I'm having a hard time even getting up which is not how I normally am. I usually can never sit still. My husband has worked everyday since bringing her here and to late hours. We have fought about this nonstop. He texts me awful things throughout the day and last night I finally remembered call block and blocked his number. My mother in law has a monthly income and I offered my husband to care for her if he payed me a salary from her income. He controls our money and hers. He refused and it just gave him more fuel of put downs for me as to why I would want to ever be paid for helping an old dying woman. I tried to get her insurance card from him so that I could call and see what her options for facilities are and maybe just start there but I can't get it from him no matter what. I have tried everything and everything to get out of here, I keep hitting walls. I cannot get any resources to get out until I'm not under the same roof as him with his income. I'm worried about my mother in law and I have no clue who I could call or talk to about her and the situation here. She needs more help and care then she's getting. It's only been 4 days since she's been here and I've been working on this every single day trying to get her and me and my kids safe. Please help I don't know what to do
1. Call the social worker/discharge person at the hospital and explain that there is no one who can physically care for granny in her current state. They should be able to arrange for her to go to rehab.

2. Call social services and find out where there is a shelter for abused women and their children. Do the intake with the social worker. From there you can apply for section 8 housing.

3. Are you getting disability payments? Have you applied?

4. Go to legal aid and find out how to start divorce proceedings. I want you to remember something. You get half of EVERYTHING. His pension. His retirement account. Don't settle for less than you've paid in, and my dear, you've paid plenty.

5. Down the road, you're going to find a social service agency that will send you for counseling. Go and do it. You need to undo the damage.

I'm sure other folks will have advice, maybe different advice. But right now, your MIL needs full time care and no one person can do that.

Oh, and your husband? He's a genuine a $$hole.
Babalou gave you some very good advice. I hope you take it.

I am assuming since the pregnant daughter lives with you that there is no husband for her. Does she have any support at all other than what you and her father provide? If not, she needs to apply for welfare and WIC and anything else anyone can think of so that she can get out of there too.

I am aghast that you brought three children into this situation. A fourth would just be criminal. Daughter needs to get out. This is the saddest story I've heard in a long time.
As you wrote, "Good-bye, Earl" from the Dixie Chicks was playing in my mind. There are a lot of ways besides CNA to make money, so go find another type job. A desk job sounds perfect.

Pack up your stuff and head to the Abused Women shelter. You can take your youngest with you. The others may want to make their own decision. No matter what the man says, do not go back to him. He may apologize, say he'll change, but it's all lies and manipulation. After you've broken free you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. It's hard but it's worth it. Talk to the people at the abused women shelter and see what they can do to help. Lots and lots of hugs coming your way.

And no, don't feed him any black-eyed peas. (This only makes sense if you know the song.)
GET OUT! 18 years; you probably should have left after 18 days. There is help but you have to make the phone calls. It may not be easy but you sound bright and just take it one step at a time. Do not allow this man to be in control of you any longer. This is mental abuse and affects your children as well. Please do not allow your daughter to bring a baby into this sick, sad home.

Do you have family that could be of assistance to you or the children? You have done nothing to cause this kind of treatment so please, do not be afraid to reach out to anyone who can help.
Wishing you all the best!

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