I am hurt and want to let go. I don't want to talk to my mom until she doesn't remember who I am.

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My mom is in an ALF and has Parkinsons & Dementia. She has revoked my POA, closed the account with our names on it, and is trying to stop me from selling her home that she wants sold but is afraid that I am going to keep the money even after I have told her that the money is going into a trust for her. She has turned the family against me and is cling to my brother who never took care of her. I have been taking care of her for the past four years and now I am stripped of all duties and she doesn't even have my name on her ALF paperwork as point of contact. I am just simply hurt. I want to let go and not look back but I feel like God won't except that of me. I want to sell her home and not take any of the furniture and never talk to her again until she just doesn't remember me anymore. Then maybe she will think better of me and somehow forget all these misconceptions and confusion of past instances. I feel so rejected and I bless God for this website. You all are just wonderful, loving people.

4 Comments

Oh, Prophet, how horribly sad! Hugs and comforting pats on the back to you! Life is definitely not fair sometimes.

I know this is very, very hard, but it is ture anyway: Your mother is behaving irrationally because she is losing her ability to be rational. She has dementia. Try as hard as you can not to take the attacks personally. It is not your dear mother doing these things, it is the dementia. She most likely has clumps of protein in her brain where they shouldn't be, and/or perhaps tangles and plaques, or some other pathology. She cannot help her paronoia. It is real to her even if there is no justification for it in the real world. If a brain autopsy is performed after she dies, the professionals could point out to you the abnormalities in her brain and say "this is why she was not behaving normally."

I am very, very sorry that your family got sucked into some adversarial them-against-you situation. They too should know to take into consideration that this woman HAS DEMENTIA. She is not rational. She is not deliberately lying but her view of the world does not match the external truth.

I think it would be ideal if you and your brother and any other family members involved had a session with her doctor or with another professional who could explain objectively the realities of dementia. You should not be fighting each other, but working together in the best interests of your poor demented mother.But that is ideal, and the real world doesn't often match that, either.

Even if the rest of the family isn't willing to be educated about dementia, please get yourself some counselling. I understand why you feel rejected and what an awful, awful feeling. We all want desperately to be accepted by our parents. Again I assure you that it is the dementia rejecting you, not your loving mother. A counselor can help you deal with this.
Thank you Jeannegibbs, I have seen the reports indicating the abnormalities of my moms brain. My brother won't talk to me or include me in any of his decisions. The ALF only communicates with me as a courtesy b/c my name is not to be found. I spoke with the Director and she is getting me the Abundsman phone number to assist in at least putting my name on the paperwork. But I feel hopeless and helpless. I will seek counseling at some point because I have decided to let the whole situation go and not speak to my mom but allow her to continue to talk with my daughter as she loves her. I feel the feelings and behavior she exhibited to me as a child, 50 years later have resurfaced and I can't be abused now as was then. But I love her so much because she was my best friend.
I hope you seek counselling sooner rather than later. You deserve to feel good about yourself!
Prophet, truly, truly sad situation. My heart goes out to you; everything Jeanne said is right on. It is the dementia that is controlling your mother; but I know that doesn't really make you feel much better. But, moods change and she could be accepting of you before you know it. I do understand why you want to keep a distance at this point. At least she will have contact with your daughter; so you will be able to obtain information from her as to how your mother is doing.

I know what it is like to need therapy, but put it off - hope you will do this for yourself soon. If you don't feel comfortable right now to visit a psychologist on a routine basis; try Elder Services in your town and ask them to whom you could speak to with regards to the situation. I did and they saved my sanity. They also have support groups usually where stories are shared which help you to not feel alone in this rejection by your mother. Most likely, there will be many stories similar to yours and other people to relate to how you are feeling.

Meanwhile, this site is always here for support and comfort. Blessings to you and hugs and hugs and more hugs. Your faith in God will also bring you much comfort. Take care.

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