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I recently bumped into an old friend i hadnt seen in years. She gave me her email address so i sent her an email and told her that my life wasnt so good explained how dad died before xmas and mum has dementia.

She said she was sorry to here my life wasnt great and said to "get out there and live your life". I am so hurt as i thought this was insensitive her life is great travelling around with her new man she told me to stop wasting my life?

I am very down now and just cant believe she said this do you think she was insensitive knowing that i have no life with mum being so ill?

Why do some people think you can just walk away and get on with your life? Her dad died last year from cancer she spent a month with him? im just so fed up of peoples comments on how i should just walk away how the hell can i?

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Captain "there are none so blind as them that will not listen". Night all its 3am here I gotta get a life!!!!

Can i just go to bed now without thinking about that turkey in the fridge on a sandwich with coleslaw!

Noooooooooo got to bed ya fat cow!
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Chicago i see from your post that you are a caregiver? but that your mum is in NH? are you living in the home with her? so how are you a caregiver if she is being looked after 24/7 in a home?

Sorry dosnt compute? I will not be here caregiving for long and you are right some people spend too much time at this because they want to or have to theres never a clear solution. I am not in a position to leave my mum and discuss a NH right now and even if i had the money to get out and get a life my mum is not ready for a NH now and the last thing i want is to force her into one against her will so like my friend youve come across a bit insensitive and almost ignorant so whats the deal? why are you on a site for caregiver support when youre only advice is "get out and get a life"?
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lol kaz,
youre still not masking your annoyance very well . i understand fully . the female friend i mentioned earlier is of the " blurt and slam " mentality . blurt out poorly thought crap then slam her ears shut so she cant be swayed to think differently . i shant make an enemy of her for life but she knows the smart mouth will not work with me . mizz popularity , prom / fair queen , bla ..
i call her mizz " no fire - wood " .
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Thanks again guys i feel better now AND i am meeting her sister one day for coffee in the near future so i will have a chat with her even though shes her younger sister shes a bit more mature than my friend. Apart from her insensitive remark i enjoy her company as shes a good laugh and we up and went to europe together at 17yrs so i dont want this to escalate and will not be confronting her about it as its not the time she cant relate to my life and i cant relate to normal right now and i think its best we meet up when im in a better place. When we have met up again in the near future I will be honest with her and tell her that she cant go through life saying without thinking as it can hurt people I dont think she went out of her way to be hurtful but i guess its sad that at 51 she still hasnt grown up and probably never will her mum is on her own now and has diabetes its only a matter of time before her mum gets older and with diabetes she will have serious issues and then she will realise that her mum needs care and then it will be her wake up to "get out and get a life". But im sure daddy left a huge insurance policy and paid carers will be hired which is great if mum agrees to that but as we know on here even money cant bail you out of this crap!
Watch this space by the time the caring falls on her shell be looking for my support and ill say oh dont waste your life put her ina home and "run for the hills".
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Sodonwith? You are so wrong i just dont have it in me to hurt peoples feelings and as long as i live will never really understand people that do. Eh sorry to hear about your mum and my dad which she never mentioned? I hope you get through this and lets meet up soon but basically "get happy" after she only lost her own dad a year ago was i think a bit insensitive and hurtful. Youre wasting your time trying to do the "shrink" thing on me as its quite simple I dont hurt peoples feelings and i always try and see the other persons point of view and imagine what it must be like for them before i open my mouth so yeh I guess that makes me bitter DOH! I warm to genuine people i dont like people who "pretend" life is perfect because its not noone has a perfect life so to make out your life is perfect is superficial and real people see through it so you end up making a fool of yourself. If the tables were turned and she was going through this I would simply be sorry for her and be there for her as a friend not to even help just be there and show some compassion. You have to understand that when come from a small town people are very competitive with each other and now that we are older its whos got the perfect life type crap nobody has but there are those fools who would rather pretend than be open and honest and even share their crap these are the ones who end up bitter and messed up.
I hope that answers your analysis of me as you are so wrong i dont have a resentful bone in my body and my friend is not married and dosnt have kids maybe if she was shed have more compassion?
Thanks for trying the "shrink thing" but id stick with your day job if i were you no offence!
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anyway kaz , i think your friend dont see your burden because to do so might require that she offer to help you ..
see wiki ( pretentious tw*t , lol . )
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im not reading it well either , mouse . i just think most ignorance is willfull . wont listen , already knows everything , strongheaded , etc ..
the military has the most sensible term for blatant stupidity and it can land you in leavenworth prison . --failure to repair ..
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countrymouse,
wiki is agreeing with me.

For other uses, see Ignorance (disambiguation).

Ignorance is a state of being uninformed (lack of knowledge).[1] The word ignorant is an adjective describing a person in the state of being unaware and is often used as an insult to describe individuals who deliberately ignore or disregard important information or facts. Ignoramus is commonly used in the US, the UK, and Ireland as a term for someone who is willfully ignorant.


( willfully ignorant )
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Kazza I would have told the priest the same thing!

I have learned a lot during this caregiver game. I avoid people who I know will not listen to be bitch about my Mom. So needless to say my friend list is short and sweet!
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It seems like your resentment of this person goes back a long way. Your parents divorced and hers didn't. Her childhood was financially trouble-free while yours wasn't. She's married and has children and you're single, am I correct so far?
Feeling resentful won't help you; it'll just make you bitter. No one skates blissfully through life worry-free, and then dies in bed in a fabulous mansion at age 100, next to a hottie less than half their age (well, hardly anyone.) Everyone has sorrows, some people just put up a better front than others. Would you have felt better if your friend told you she was going through a nasty divorce and her children had run away and joined a cult?
Yes, she could have phrased her email better, but the anger you express seems to be about more than the email.
Since you hadn't seen her in years, is she really all that important to you? Losing a parent is hard and you're emotionally vulnerable right now. Try and be kind to youself and don't feed into the "it's not fair" mind-set. Thinking that way will only make you feel worse.
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Captain I hate to quibble, but the root of ignorant is "unknowing." They don't know. Could be they also won't THINK, but it's not the same as deliberately shutting something out.

Kazzaa an old colleague of mine had a girlfriend who claimed to be from a working class family on the grounds that her parents hadn't had their chaise longue re-upholstered in more than ten years. Beat that for a hardship, eh? Some people seriously don't know they're born.
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LOL ass youre so right! the crap these catholics hide but i decided to be different and be honest about my KAK and throw it out there only at the time noone was opening up and i was considered as "messed up" dysfunctional?? yeh im dysfunctional and a bit messed up from my catholic upbringing but im honest and can live with myself everyday and not hide under the bullshit some people love me some people cant handle my honesty yeh stuff them! You see i spent my whole childhood "pretending everything was normal at home which was pretty tough when marraige break up was unheard of then". To now being open and honest about who i am and i think that intimidates alot of "Catholics".
This friend was always a sly one "everythings always wonderful" family "wonderful" life "wonderful" yeh maybe youre right she couldve been sleeping with her brother for all we know!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HUGS its great when a fellow catholic knows the BS we had to endure!

When my mum KICKED my dad out as he was having an affair my dad sent the "Priest" up to my mum to talk to her about the "sanctity of marriage" (i think i spelt that right oh god i hope so or im going to hell) my mum told him to F..k off!!
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" ignorance is ignorance " .
i love it . screw reasoning , i cant deal with ignorance . root word -- " ignore " .
implying " not stupid , just ignoring details / playing stupid " .
id like to have my renters gals thoughts tonight on playing stupid and crapping on people around her -- from her jail cell ..
power play -- she lost ..
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Kazzaa we really never know what goes on behind closed doors. Your friend could be good at covering up all kinds of evil..

You said your catholic and so am I. Catholic church case in point!!

You're a good person and you obviously don't need her in your life..Good riddance to her.
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Youre all angels! But let me tell you why my friend is (and yes i think she was) insensitive I grew up in a fairly middle class environment lets say we WERE all well off nice neighbourhood bla bla we all went to a pretty good school bla bla very strict and catholic we are talking seventies here!! my parents were killing each other and eventually he left and went off with a woman half his age! my father NEVER supported my mum or us financially so i had to grow up with friends who had money and basically no crap in thier lives still to this day they are all married happy kids bla bla the resaon alot never understood me and why i fell out with most of them is they had no idea of how tough my life was and now when thier parents get ill you can bet that there will be carers and lots of family support so yes thankgod for this site as you cannot explain your crap to someone whos never had ANY crap people think everyone gets theres in the end but some people just sail through life easy street and have no compassion or empathy for others who have had to struggle I would rather have had my KAK and be a better more compassionate person than to hurt someones feelings. My friends dad died last year from cancer she spent a month with him before he died she said she wished she could of spent more time with him? he had cancer for five years before he died so why the hell didnt she spend more time with him? anywhoo youre right when mum goes i will have no guilt or regrets and i should just avoid people who are superficial with no compassion they say " ignorance is bliss NO ignorance is ignorance".

Phew feel better i will have a great life when this is over we all will as we are caring compassionate people and the good you do comes back to you tenfold!!!!
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Empathy and compassion are not part of some people's makeup, maybe by nature or maybe by learning. I think people who have lived through wars, disasters etc tend to get hardened and emotionally blunted. That would be many of the elderly who need care now. ie they lived through the Depression and WWII in their formative years. Their kids tended to be taught this blunted emotional response as well. Sometimes it took, sometimes it didn't as it didn't fit well into post WWII culture and some people are naturally empathetic.

It is very hard to care for someone who doesn't believe in compassion. From their point of view, the caregiver is a sucker and a weakling and they often treat the caregiver badly as they have no respect for the way they think, a way which is alien and incomprehensible to them. They may well feel closer to the non-caring offspring as they understand them and they would have not cared for an elderly parent themselves.

It is surprising to an empathetic person that someone would walk away from a parent with dementia but it is quite common. When my mother's friend died of cancer, she took good care to be nowhere near her in the last months.

I can enjoy the company of non-empathetic people on a superficial level but I know now that such relationships have a limited emotional range.
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As in all things "walk a mile in my shoes".
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I have to admit that most things other people say or don't say doesn't bother me. I know they are responding from the outside and are just trying to say something positive or supportive. It does bother me when someone acts like there is something wrong with me that I don't get out more -- maybe because there is some truth to it. And I can't stand it when someone says, "You're so lucky to still have your mother." How can you respond truthfully to that one?
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Maybe a phone call to your friend would help. Not an email, as others have mentioned. But a call. Don't call with a mad/hurt attitude. Just call. It's a possibility she couldn't convey feelings in her email. Perhaps her relationship with her mother is nothing like yours is with your mom, and she just doesn't understand what you're going through.

Or, since she's an old friend you haven't seen in years, you can just let it go.

(I don't mean that in a way to make you feel bad; it just may be best for you.)

Sharon
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whoops correction; she truly does NOT get it.
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I don't think your friend meant any harm. She was trying to "tough love" you into "having a life" again, all at the same time having no real CONCEPT of what it's like to be a caregiver to your mom. Caregiving is a labor of love. It's a turn-around when it's a parent, especially. They took care of us; now it's full circle and we take care of them. It's hard on us because while none of us want our parent to die, WE want to start to LIVE, and for so many of us that can't happen until mom or dad is gone. And no. People absolutely do not understand at all. Your friend doesn't get it. I have a friend like yours. They make these suggestions that are not helpful like "get her a sitter", etc., and they don't realize, at least in my case, the dynamics, the issues with that, the argument with mom, etc. No I understand Kazaa that's why I love it here. This is a great site for people who really DO get it. So try to understand and realize your friend isn't trying to be hurtful, she just truly does get it.
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Yes she was insensitive to your feelings, but I don't think it was done intentionally she just doesn't have a clue on care-giving and loss of your father. Maybe you should send her a link on information or ignore her, people look at me blank when I say I am stressed out looking after my Mom they just don't get it. If I were to tell my sister she would say well why are you there then just leave or told you so, or she would think what is the problem and I cannot express my emotions, I am worried that our society will start actively fighting against emotions, but I am concerned over how often we treat emotions, individually and in families, like they are obstacles or problems. I am sorry for the loss of your father kazzaa it must be very hard to be grieving and the hardship of your Mom having Dementia. Sending you lots of love and hugs stay strong my friend, don't take it to heart what your friend said she is ignorant to the whole situation you are experiencing.
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Actually I'm using this opportunity which I have been given to "separate the wheat from the chaff"....those who are truly friends are there, those who are not don't need to be in the first place.
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Kazza, I understand your feelings on this one. One of my best friends was constantly insisting that I needed to put my Mama in a NH and get on with my life. It quickly became evident that she did not care to hear anything about what was going on in my life (or maybe not going on so to speak)...I used to live for her morning emails, each of us talking about whatever and it was almost like enjoying coffee and catching up on the days or weeks activities...Soon however I noticed I was writing fairly lengthy notes and would get a few words in reply, each more blunt than the one before and finally I realized she just didn't want to hear about my life anymore....she kept telling me her daughter in law took care of her grand now and then and she never recalled her complaining or whining about it (I guess the way she implied I was) I might add here that her daughter in law has a wonderful husband and two grown daughters, all who help her with everything, more money than she can shake a stick at and they get to travel, travel, travel wherever and whenever..so I'm pretty sure her situation is not the same as mine...Anyway, I finally just realized we had grown apart...at least for now...maybe forever....I don't need people like that in my life...I think sometimes the more I look at things like Facebook the more depressing it becomes until I am finallly realizing those people are not living any more exciting lives than I am anyway and I am going to enjoy my adventure with Mama for as long as the good Lord gives us time together...this is my Mama, I love her and she is my life right now...I will worry about the rest later...or not...but right here, right now, life is about as good as it gets...and I am thankful...
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maybe it isnt wise to d*mn a friend to eternity in the spambox but you can scream bloody murder and demand fair trade . my first friend i mentioned's current nickname is ( ms no firewood ) and the other , well , she just is and will always be " flatline " , as in not much brain activity .
joes sh*t is going to rust in place before i work on it again .
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At least she replied to you. I tend to tell people to get out and do something, too. Life is too short to spend every minute care giving. I see to many patients out live the caregiver. Give your friend a break and keep corresponding. You may need her.
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Thanks for all the support i think CM is right i dont have anything in common with alot of people right now and funny enough i hesitated before emailing her as i thought well how do i tell her what ive been up to without sounding depressing?
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other female friends son , joe . i can help him work on his automobile , etc , but he sits in the house like a prince while im helping his mother unf*ck the lawn twice a year . he refused to help me set a stove , the only time i ever asked for his help . joes dumb ass is in the spambox, with me .
it must be getting pretty crowded in the spambox by now . looking around , all i see left is me and the miniature mule .
man the rest of this paragraph writes itself..
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i can appreciate everyone defending kaz's frien . ( spambox ) , lol .
na , i disagree a bit . i implied to a female friend many months ago that id like help during my moms end of life . she was too immature to get involved . pissed me off royally . dropped in on her with aunt edna ( to see former friends stonework ) , asked for nothing from her and thats what im getting . this hor is 9 yrs older than myself and not even smart enough to see how shes going to need caregiving from someone in only a few years , herself .
really , i dont need the stress of raising a 63 yr old kid . " friend " is back in the spambox ..
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Kazzaa, one of the themes that comes up constantly when people are talking about the loneliness of bereavement is that their friends avoid them. Their friends avoid them, usually, either because they don't know what to say and they're embarrassed, or because they believe the bereaved person needs space and privacy.

So your friend probably sat there chewing her lip for ages and wondering what she should say. Then, maybe for fear that she'd never think of anything, she launched in there trying to cheer you up. As Pam S says, a pretty feeble attempt, indeed. But the LAST thing she meant was to hurt you, or be insensitive. Basically she's a klutz.

What's sadder is that given her shiny exciting new life-and-boyfriend, you probably don't have very much in common just for now. But if you value her as a friend, and you plan to keep her as one for years to come, tell her what life is like for you (don't depress her, just tell her) and demand helpful things of her. Email her back and say hey you, never mind the lectures - I'm hurt, I need treats. Send chocolate now.

And when some sh*t hits her fan, as it surely will one day, you can be there for her too. She gets the better bargain because you will understand her, but that's life - we have to learn as we go along.

Big hug. I have to compose a reply to a friend who wants to know what I'm doing at the beginning of August. Hm, let me think… emptying commodes, counting out pills, carrying trays, doing laundry, driving to the doctor, wild night out at a rock festival (just kidding)…

I wonder if he'll want to join in?
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