How to manage guilt about what I could have done better.
My mother is in late stage C.O.P.D. and as I mentioned in another post, she has reduced eating and drinking and stopped all treatment and medication. I moved her to a different bedroom, so she can have a real bed (not a hospital bed) and no sign of all the medical treatment she had and a break from her life as a "patient" in the other bedroom. But, I've been cleaning up her old room and noticing all the things I could have done better! I had put an extra pad on her hospital bed, but I laid on it, and no, it was NOT soft enough. I never got around to changing the lighting to be warmer yellow light. I never made enough storage for her and can see she had 2 baskets of clothes that she had to bend down to access. I realized the windowed door that goes to the deck that gave her lots of light also let in cold air in the winter. Well, I think I was busy doing a great job with lots of hospital visits, and shopping, cooking and nursing her and keeping her company. I stopped working and seeing friends. But, I feel haunted by this short list of things that could have changed her experience of the year she spent here in my home. Why didn't I get around to those improvements? She is someone who (darn it) won't complain specifically about what works and what does not. I always had to guess. Even now, she is cold all the time. I bought her a very soft, warm fleece jacket that she kept telling me to take back. "Don't spend your money." I've learned my lesson. I did not take it back to the store. I told her she could wear it or not; it was my need for her to have something extra warm. Has anyone had the experience of "why didn't I do more" even if you did a lot. I go through the same thing about Dad who passed 8 years ago.