My house is now grand central station.

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By way of explanation..............I am a widow taking care of my MIL(totally bedbound). She has been on hospice for 15 months now. And I really appreciate their help. An aid comes 3 days a week to help me bathe her, a nurse comes once a week, social worker once ever 3 weeks. Her surviving son (my BIL) comes once or twice a week. I hire a friend of mine to sit for me when I have to go out.
Each of these people sort of come in and take over my house. It sounds so selfish...... but having all these people freely descend upon my house is starting to really bother me. MIL's hospital bed is in the middle of my living's too big to put in any bedroom. I have only one bathroom and I just hate that "the whole world" uses my bathroom - a lot. Lately, I'm just getting tired of it all. There is no privacy here and these visitors are often drop in so I have to always be ready in case they show up. I am grateful for these people but the house is no longer mine. It feels like grand central station......and the twilight zone at the same time. Deep down, do any of you feel this way or am I the only one?


Maria; Is there any way that someone could take over for a week so that you can get away? Does Hospice offer respite at a facility? Is it time to look into a NH where Hospice can provide comfort care? You've done more than your fair share of sharing your home!
Why are you caring for your MIL 24/7 when her son only drops in to visit? That doesn't sound right.

I agree with Babalou. Have you looked into a nursing home?

I think it's time to take back your house.
1. I don't think you are selfish at all to have these feelings. This has been going on over a year. Anyone would be tired of it.
2. Hospice offers respite. It might be good for you to take advantage of that.
3. Presumably, MIL is still expected to not live long, or she wouldn't still be on hospice. How long do you think you can "grin and bear it" to live in grand central station? Of course predictions of life expectancy can be way off, as MIL's original one must have been. But could you tolerate this another 3 months? 6 months? Another year? Could you say, "If MIL is still on hospice by the end of June, other arrangements will have to be made"? Or do you want a change right now?
4. Have an honest talk with Hospice staff. The nurse if you feel close to her, and the social worker. They will not be judgmental and may have some advice for you. At the very least they will empathize.
5. I'm not sure if you want advice about changes or you just wanted to vent and be assured you are not selfish and your weariness is normal. You are definitely a very generous person, and your feelings are very normal!
6. A couple of suggestions for change: These people are not "company" -- you don't have to be at your company best all day everyday. They will survive seeing you without makeup or in your housecoat. And ask for a two-hour notice before they come. Just a quick phone call. Feel free to tell them if it isn't convenient and suggest a different time. Can you hire someone, maybe a neighbor kid, to come in after school and clean your bathroom every day? That might increase your comfort level.

Best wishes to you on this journey with you MIL.
Put the visitors to work. A good visitor will fold laundry or chop vegetables. A good visitor will hold the fort while you go get a haircut. A GREAT visitor will bring you a homemade pie. Many hands lighten the load.
Any in-laws you don't want around? Ask them to clean the bathroom. LOL. They will never come back. Oh, well....
Pam, as I read this, the visitors DO come to work, and Maria is grateful. What is wearing on her is the lack of privacy, the coming and going, the always having to be ready for them. Am I right, Maria? By all means, Pam is right -- these "visitors" should be "workers." If that is not what is happening already, take Pam's advice.
Maria, Maria...I know exactly how you feel. My Mama is totally bedfast as well and that is the one thing I absolutely hate about all this, no is a recurring gripe of mine. Like you, we have the three visit per week aid who bathes Mama...she does come early and is the same one for which I am eternally grateful but had to talk to them about this being what I needed because at first they were popping in and out all day long..The nurse comes twice a week, also pretty much at the same time...then there is the social worker and chaplain, neither calls ahead and just kind of makes a random visit whenever once a month...I hated having to be ready all the time and finally I just decided, as Jeanne mentioned, I dont have to be "ready" all the time...People know to expect to catch me in my lounge wear during the morning and fleece warmups or whatever the rest of the time, no makeup, house shoes...I have asked them to give me advance notice when the social worker comes as well as the chaplain, which they don't and finally I just calmly told them that we don't need the social worker unless there is a need they want to address. She doesn't come anymore...thankfully ..

I do understand. I have always been a very private person and this is the one thing that always causes me more issues than even the fact that my sibling does not help...I guess my comment is no help..but I feel the same way for sure...
Marialake, yes, that's a lot of people coming and going, mainly the Aide that comes 3 times a week.... what a relief that you have someone to help you... and your Mom-in-law's son, how nice that he does take in interest and comes to visit her. But don't expect him to call first, guys feel they don't need to when it comes to visiting their Mom. Doesn't sounds like he is trying to take control or criticizes you about his Mom's care, so you much be doing an outstanding job :)

Good heavens, you don't need to be *ready* whenever someone drops in. I use to be that way whenever relatives said they were coming to visit... like I had to be Hazel and Martha Stewart rolled into one.

As for the bathroom, set it up with a roll of paper towels for guest to use [I do that whenever workmen are in the house, I think they really appreciate it], thus no cold wet hand cloth when you want to use the bathroom... put one of those attached toilet bowl cleaners on the bowl rim to help you feel like the toilet is a bit cleaner.
I thought I was the only one that still lived in a house with one bathroom! You guys that have homes that aren't still stuck in the 1940's take it for granted -- that alone makes everything so much more difficult, when you have a part time outside help, a nurse, physical therapist, family you can't stand...all in there, and yup, we usually get to clean it up, too. I almost want to put one of those bakery pull-a-number/being served machines near the door, or a coin deposit lock, like they used to have in the service station restrooms. Yuk.
Thank you all for responding... and yes, I'm not quitting - just venting.
The visitors who come to my house are nice enough. They talk and talk - because of course my MIL doesn't talk at all. Makes for an uncomfortable time of meaningless chatter. You see, we don't have anything in common except my MIL and well..............there's no news there.
The only one bathroom - just feels like my personal space - last bastion kind of thing. Hospice aids change off and on and cover for each other etc so it's like strangers again. I'm a grateful person and don't mean to complain. Just a needed vent. Glad to know I'm not alone.
Marialake, You are super generous and I completely understand your feelings. You are doing such a major thing to care for a MIL with none of her children helping you. I too am caring for my mother in law. Sh eis not bedfast but her dementia is severe and we have a sitter almost over day of the week and have to have our kids come over and stay if we go out of town. That is much less traffic than what you are experiencing and yet i'm tired of it. someome mentioned trying to get away and de compress. The problem is that many of us can only really relax when we are in our houses - without the person we are caring for and without all their caretakers - so getting away for the weekend is only marginally helpful. Someone mentioned hospice has respite care and that could be a good thing as a short term fix. However, I wonder if you need to give yourself permission to think about a nursing home. You cannot care for her well if you just have nothing left for yourself.

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