Hospital visit brings out anger.

Started by

My mother has been in the hospital for her lung condition.. She should get out tomorrow with no complications. Without her I have been staying with my father, and my resentment for him has been hard to deal with.

Everything that he does is exclusively for his own benefit. We had an argument about them moving to subsidized elderly housing in the future. He said point blank that it is more important for him to stay in their home even though they do not have enough money to do so, than it is for him to see my mother less stressed out and to protect her health. I feel only resentment and anger towards him. The feelings of respect and love have been snuffed out.

Now he will take care of my mother as she recovers from the operation; I have to let go and realize that they chose each other and I can't fix the dysfunction. My brothers did not come to see her in the hospital, which is also upsetting. They live 20 minutes away.

This past week I sent out 10 applications for elderly subsidized housing for my parents. It was painful to lay out the specifics of their financial ruin; they seem incapable of filling out these forms and of saving themselves. They watched television while my boyfriend and I spent hours and days on the forms.

Basically I am just trying to get through this. She will come home today and then I will go home. I have to let go of the dysfunction and go back to my own life. Thanks for reading; it helps to vent in this space.

-Rose

2 Comments

Rose, you have to let go of the dysfunction and go back to your own life.

It is so healthy of you to recognize that! You did a great service to fill out those tedious housing applications. Whether they will follow through and move when an opening is available is beyond your control.

Continue to do what you reasonably can to address practical issues. But you are right that you can't fix the dysfunction.
Jeanne, thank you for your supportive post.
I was set toleave but she had a bad immediate recovery from the operation. She came home and the air conditioner inthe living broke down. Thank goodness she could be in the air conditioning in the bedroom. Meanwhile she started throwing up. I was trying to stay calm and we called the nurse, who found out that she had got up super early and had one of he pain meds without any food.
My father retreated out to the yard to paint the gutters, which in his mind was necessary before we could arrange the patio furniture. He wanted to have a space for her outside. He was doing something for her but within a limited definition of gender roles. I took care of her and got her to the point where she could keep veggie broth down,then cooked her a lunch that did stick, then later, soup.
Eventually she was well enough to take a walk outside to the backyard and sit on the patio furniture he had arranged for her. She is now on oxygen so he can be her caregiver from that technical point of view, like, "I am the hose-meister." I see his challenges in having the basic knowledge to take care of her but also I think he likes to be "Mr Masculinity" and stress how he, as a man, knows nothing of kitchen things. Well hopefully he can find he kitchen expertise to open a can of soup for her or read the instructions on a trader joes bag. It is so hot in their house that it's not practical for me to cook her a bunch of dishes. Maybe before I leave, though, I could get er some good takeout from whole market or another good pace that would see her through until she is stronger.
I can't fix the dysfunction... Hopefully today she will be strong enough that I can see that she is out of the woods and go home. She has to be strong enough to be able to keep track of her medications. Now that she has more of them and has to coordinate some of them with food it's more challenging for her.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support