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I know this is probably going to get some people mad but I have come to the conclusion at least for my situation I look forward to the day my mother looks at me and asks"who is she". Because finally that awful creature that I have let in my house will be gone.All that will be left is a shell and I will take care of that. I believe that is the only way I will be able to emotionally heal once dementia has taken that "creature" away.I read on here all the emotional devastation people feel when their loved one no longer remembers them and I do feel sympathy for them but I can't relate to it. I don't want to remember "her" anymore. I want her to just be some old lady that I take very very good care of but no emotion to it for me know matter what she says.I will always protect her, unlike what she did to me because I am not like her.I feel bad about this feeling but I would be a liar if I denied what I feel. Does/has anybody else here felt this way? Why do I feel this?Mentally, it would be so much easier day to day if she just thought I was a stranger that helped her out.
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Jun 22, 2014
Tex, I look forward to that day too, but based on her current state, it will be a while.
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Same here unfortunately.She is like the Terminator.
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Never thought bout it but, yes, I would look forward to that. If she thought I was a stranger who just came to visit she'd be pleasant, as she is to the NH staff and social worker, instead of blaming me for anything and everything and being demanding, demeaning and downright nasty.
When mother entered psychiatric hospital she told staff she didn't want visits from family. They danced around this with me, till I asked them outright and found out. I told the staff they could be perfectly honest with me, as hearing that my mother didn't want to see me was the answer to a dream of a lifetime. Anyone with a normal or near normal childhood and relationship with their parent cannot understand that. I still do whatever I can for her, and will till she dies, as long as it does not negatively affect my health seriously, but giving up the pretense of a loving relationship is good. Right now she doesn't want to see me. Good. If she came to a point of not recognizing who I was - even better. I am quite willing to take her out for a meal or a short shopping trip, as long as her behaviour and strength allows it. To do it as a stranger or maybe an acquaintance could only improve the experience.
Amazing how strong some of them are. At 102, mother's physical condition blows them away.
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I can relate, Tex. I have had the feeling of visiting some old lady for ages. I reject the hearts and flowers routine; the pretense of a loving relationship feels like a betrayal of my earlier self, a denial of what really happened. As far as my narc mother and golden child sister are concerned, everything about my childhood was fine.
Actually the older I get, the more I realize how abnormal it was. I can't believe some of the stuff she said to me, for example, I was attacked by a man who crept through my bedroom window in my early twenties. I fought him off successfully. When I mentioned this to my mother, she said' "My, you've been getting into a lot of trouble lately." That was the end of that topic. She still does this sort of thing. I was anxious about gum surgery the next day and she said "Are you sure they aren't experimenting on you?" By now, I don't mention a lot of things and it's very much like my childhood. By age eight, I wasn't mentioning a lot of things and I was a very verbal child.
Anyway, thanks to the way she brought me up, I don't have the emotional equipment to relate to her so-called loneliness. It's not exactly loneliness in the usual sense of wanting company since all she wants to do is undermine, put down and control me. If I had complained of loneliness when I was a kid, she would have told me to stop being so silly and go and do my homework.
I guess if she forgot who I was, I would be indifferent. Well, she never knew who I was in the first place.
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Even as a child I remember having to pretend it was a "loving relationship". Only I knew what a sh*thead lay under her "loving" smile in public especially at "her " church.
Jun 23, 2014
That makes sense to me. Right now I'm dealing with my mom, who is confused but still knows everything better, and on top of that she's extremely hostile to me because she's hostile to everyone in her family. She's nicer and more cooperative to strangers, and yet when I'm around I get accused of stealing, plotting, ignoring, abusing and so on. If there were some kind of erase history where I could just be someone who takes her to the doctor or the grocery store and not just be a ride to the tobacco store or someone to complain to about how horrible everything is, I think our relationship would be a lot nicer. I honestly can't remember the last time I haven't been accused of something or insulted, so yes, losing that angry baggage would be wonderful. At this point I'd love to have three months of a lady who is happy to see me than another 2, 5, 10 years of someone who hates me and the world around her.
I can relate to all of these posts. When my mother passed away in January it was a blessing for both of us. We were both out of our pain. I still have to contend with my father though. he will be 90 in August. His mind is going but he is still in great physical condition for his age. If one more health care professional tells me how lucky I am that he is in such good shape and how nice that he will be around for a while. Emjo's post terrifies me. If he lives to 103 I have 13 more years.
My MIL is more of a shell now and it is definitely easier. Less personal in every way
Makes sense to me, Tex, how you feel. My mother was never intentionally abusive, but even so when I find her exasperating I do the 'pretend she's somebody else's mother' thing just to help myself be kind and pleasant to her. So I can perfectly see how your life will be simpler when you're looking after, essentially, a human goldfish.
But at some point you will need to grieve, whether for your actual mother or for the other mother that you should have had and didn't. Go easy on yourself, won't you.
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