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MY PARENTS HAVE ALLOWED MY 53YO HOARDING SISTER TO MOVE INTO THEIR GOVT SENIOR APT BECAUSE SHE COULD NOT MANAGE HER FINANCES, KEEP HER CAR RUNNING OR KEEP HER APT CLEAN. SHE CANNOT CARE FOR HERSELF, ESPECIALLY WITH HYGIENE ISSUES (MORBID OBESITY) . SHE IS VERBALLY ABUSIVE TO BOTH PARENTS, MAKES IDLE THREATS OF PUTTING THEM IN A HOME, CURSES THEM AND TREATS THEM LIKE CHILDREN. I HAVE CONTACTED THEIR DOCTORS WHO HAVE CONFIRMED THAT SHE "UPSETS" MY FATHER. SHE AND MY MOTHER HAVE A SICK, SYMBIOTIC RELATIONSHIP. MY FATHER WON'T INTERVENE BECAUSE HE REFUSES TO UPSET MY MOM, HOWEVER HE COMPLAINS TO ME THAT HE'S AFRAID SHE WILL HAVE HIM PUT IN A NURSING HOME AND THAT SHE HAS ACCESS TO HIS MONEY AND IS ACCOUNTABLE TO NO ONE ON HOW ITS SPENT. MY MOM HAS TOLD ME TO LEAVE HER ALONE AND MIND MY OWN BUSINESS AND THEN ASKS ME TO DO ERRANDS FOR THEM. I HAVE BEGAN THERAPY BECAUSE THE SITUATION IS SO OUT OF CONTROL AND I'M AFRAID MY SISTER WILL GET MY PARENTS KICKED OUT OF THEIR. PS I MOVED HERE THREE YEARS AGO TO HELP THEM AND HAVE BEEN DOING A GREAT JOB GETTING THEIR AFFAIRS IN ORDER. WHEN MY SISTER MOVED IN 3 MONTHS AGO, I REFUSED TO GO BACK TO THE APT BECAUSE SHE IS VERBALLY ABUSIVE TO ME AND LIES. I'M VERY CONCERNED THAT MY PARENTS ARE BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF, BUT I'M TOLD THAT THESE ARE THEIR CHOICES, SO I MUST HONOR THEM. I DON'T HAVE TO BE AROUND THEM THOUGH. WHAT WILL IT TAKE BEFORE SOMEONE REPORTS THEM TO DHR? AN ACCIDENT, DEATH, FIRE??? ANYONE ELSE HAVE A SIMILAR SITUATION?

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Thanks for the feedback. Unfortunately we have POA with all the siblings on mom, but just me and my brother on dad. Situation has deteriated even more. I now have removed myself from all their financial decisions and other activities. My sister has to do it all because i refuse to be in same room with her. I cant even call them because she talks over them and controls their conversations. And I cant take them out anywhere because they are both in motorized wheelchairs and I have no way of transporting them. I'm greiving as if they had died. The only way i can help them is if my sister leaves their apt, which my mother won't allow. She doesn't want her to have a life. She has stated that we can have a life when she is dead. I'd love to hear from others in similar situations. just realizing i'm not responsible for their actions has helped (ala-non).
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I went through something similar with my Mom and my brother. She let him move in and eventually signed the house over to him. He used her money and also stole
money from her. She would not let me intervene. It wasn't until last year when she
became seriously ill that she let me take over her finances. Since then, the pocketbook has been closed. I can't undo all the financial damage little brother
has done, but I will see that every remaining cent she has goes for her care.
Also, like you situation, I stayed away because it was just so frustrating. By the way, I did call the attorney general's office and reported elder abuse. It was promptly investigated but Mom refused to file charges. She is doing well now - safe and in good care.

If I were you, I would take mom and dad out for lunch and get them to sign a power of attorney (at your bank, preferably, where it will be notarized). Then you will be able to help them more.
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Thank you. I wasn't sure if is abuse or if I was being biased because I'm so angry at all of them. All of the feedback I'm getting is that she is abusive and imposing herself on my parents, especially my dad. He has asked me if she is on his POA because he says she acts like she owns the place, even though he and mom let her move in. I think they did not think it through and my dad is regretting the decision. I also feel he is scared to ask her to move out.
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I would call adult protective services. Elder abuse is rampant. I'm not sure if they will be able to do anything right away, but you have an obligation to report abuse, but it sounds like it is only a matter of time before she can't hide her behavior. They will end up in a nursing home if they get kicked out. Assuming they qualify for medicaid, which they may not if she's been spending their money on herself. Then if they don't qualify they'll be on the street. You don't have to be incompetent to be a victim of elder abuse. The National Center on Elder Abuse states "Particularly in the case of adult children, abusers often are dependent on their victims for financial assistance, housing, and other forms of support. Oftentimes they need this support because of personal problems, such as mental illness, alcohol or drug abuse, or other dysfunctional personality characteristics. The risk of elder abuse seems to be particularly high when these adult children live with the elder." http://www.ncea.aoa.gov/Stop_Abuse/Partners/APS/index.aspx. If APS decides they are at risk and notify the housing, then perhaps she would be expelled.
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Thank you for your concern. Sadly, they asked dad's nurse to sign papers to let her live there as a caretaker. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I only hope someone exposes what's going on. my sister could qualify fir govt housing also, because she's disabled, but she'd rather live with them than make the effort. It has destroyed my relationship with my parents.
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This is heartbreaking.

If your parents are still competent in the legal sense then they can make their own decisions. You could call Adult Protective Services but when they go out they'd ask if there was anything wrong and Mother would say "no" and Dad wouldn't say anything and APS could do nothing.

If your parents are in subsidized housing I am surprised that they are allowed to have an additional person living with them. Perhaps that is a way to get your sister out -- report them to the housing management.

When Dad complains to you that she might put them in a nursing home, point out that if she gets them kicked out of their subsidized housing they are going to face a real crisis finding some place else to go.

But if your parents don't mind being cursed, being exploited financially, and living amid hording, then that is their right to choose.

I am glad you are seeking therapy. This is an extremely stressful situation for someone who loves their parents!
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