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Wow, I wasn't expecting so many responses. Thanks for the advice, it's appreciated.

@ jeannegibbs - I ask myself that question almost every day. "what was I thinking??" My heart was in the right place, it had nothing to do with trying to get a better relationship with my father though. I passed that point in my life a long time ago. My father is not very smart with his money. When he lost his first job he went on a drinking binge and we didn't see him for nearly a year even though he lived within walking distance and we tried to visit often. He stopped paying his bills and rent and food, his power was cut, he was eating canned beans and heating it with a kerosene lantern until his landlord gave up on him and threw him out. He did live on the streets temporarily until he got shared housing. When he lost his last job, he also lost his apartment because he worked for the building he lived in and his apartment was covered with the job. He had no choice but to pay rent as they took it out of his pay automatically. But when he left, there were severe damages to the unit from his excessive hoarding. I doubt he'll be getting any landlord references. He got by with what little money they gave him as severance. Right now his income is from employment insurance and that should be running out soon, and we're planning on setting him up with disability until he is 65 and can qualify for his pension. His spine is really bad and he has nerve damage but is so stubborn and wont get set up with disability...we're still working on it though.

I understand he needs to go. I'm on the same page there! I just wanted to help him get back on his feet since he didn't even bother making any plans. So the big issue is...how do I actually TELL him that in a gentle way? Better yet, how can I make that HIS idea? That would be nice:) wishful thinking maybe.

@ cattails - My husband supports me 100%, thankfully. It has been difficult for us both but he's had my back the whole way and I am incredibly grateful for that. He says he supports and respects my decision completely and just wants me to be happy. He agrees with me that he should be elsewhere, we're just trying to figure out how to approach that topic as gently as possible.

@AdVoCatabC456 - *breaths* Thank you so much for the advice. I'll contact you for that link, it's much appreciated. I'd like to understand more about his condition at least while we deal with moving forward.

@Lilygirl - I agree. I'm only 28, I'm still trying to figure out my own life and make a wonderful home for my son so that he has that stability and foundation that I never had. My husbands parents are all for us taking them in too. We'll be sure to nip that idea though.

Again, thank you all for the advice, I do appreciate it. It's nice to see there are some options I never thought of. My mother always tells me that I have to take care of her when she can't take care of herself. "I spent enough time changing your diapers, there's no reason you can't change mine" is her line. It's one of the biggest reasons I planned to go into a nursing home! :)
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Your dad needs to move out of your house! It doesn't sound like he has special health needs. You are far too young to have this responsibility. My husband & I are 61 & we take care of my dad. Why isn't your dad taking care of himself? It's not your fault or responsibility if he is an alcoholic. How does he support his hoarding? Don't ruin the rest of your life!
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Stop! Take a breath-there is help and you will get through this ordeal. The inside issues are not visiable. Please email me and I will link you to a link with the specialist of "hoarding". She says it is the need to be recognized for who we are, and this is the beginning of things gotten, things seen, or things still being purchased. It was a great inside to why we hoard and how families deal with the hoarder. Best regards, Linda Smith
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I agree with Jeanne 200 %. I would suggest that you check into senior living places. The kind that are for low income seniors and charge rent on a sliding scale. If you don't know about any in your area, contact your local Area on Aging or your local Department of Social Services and see what guidance they can give you.

Whatever your father's medical issues, he does not belong in your home!!! If you want to provide a good home for your son, you also need to be respectful of your marriage. What are your husband's feelings on this?

Your dad is only 63 years old. Yet he is putting the burden of a roof over his head on you and your family. He will be this way til the day he dies, so you need to realize that and make changes to protect yourself and your family. He didn't look out for you when you were a child and he won't do it now either. He has a mental illness and your mom probably does too. Don't make your child live in the environment your dad insists on creating.

What is your dad's financial situation. Does he get SS at this time in his life? Would your sibs chip in to get him into a low income senior unit?

Your dad may have mellowed over the years, but he is still abusing you. It's time that you protect your family, like you wish your parents would had protected you.

Best wishes, Cattails
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Oh yes, I have advice, and I expect you'll get plenty. Many caregivers on this site have experiences similar to yours.

Maybe your sibs haven't taken on this responsibility because they are not letting their hearts overrule their heads. On this particular issue they may be behaving more rationally than you are.

Your father is an alcoholic, he smokes, he neglects his hygene, he hoards, and he refuses to take his medicines. And, oh yes, his childcare practices while you were growing up landed you in foster care. He was physically and mentally abusive.

Does that describe the situation pretty well?

And you decided to bring this 63 year old man into the home you are working so hard to make a clean, comfortable, nurturing place to raise your child, perhaps for the next 30 years.

What were you thinking??!!

You were probably thinking that you were doing the right thing, being the dutiful daughter, and that this might enable you build a better relationship with your father than you had while you were growing up.

Here is the reality: you can do those things WITHOUT having Father live with you. You gave it a good try for a half a year and IT IS NOT WORKING OUT. Be the dutiful daughter by helping Father find other suitable housing. Visit him. Have him over for dinner. Stay in touc. Don't live wiht him!!

What are his impairments that he can't live on his own? Help him find suitable support.

You can't take this six months, and you certainly aren't going to survive doing it until you are a grandmother yourself! Once we know your father's health status people will have suggestions for living arrangements.

Your parents did not put the welfare of their children high enough on their priorities (and/or didn't have the skills to do anything about that.) Don't make the same mistake. Focus on making a good, safe, home for your son and a happy family unit with husband and son.

Try not to resent your sibs because they had enough self-preservation skills to avoid this mess.

Good luck to you.
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