Help with mother-in-law.

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I've been taking care of my mother-in-law for four years now with my hubby. We were ask by my hubbys dad to move in and help them with bills and care for mom. After one and half years of living with them dad passed away. Mom is showing signs of dementia and we talked to her doctor but he wont get her tested and we tryed to get her to go see another doctor but she wont go. She is getting more aggressive with me and kids at home, falling down, forgeting thing, hoarding fridge items in her closet, hiding dishes and silverware, she doesnt eat hardly anything, cant drive, She doesnt pay her bills and we are constantly having to pay them for her. We tried to put her in a home but cant. Is their anything we can do because now she wants us to get out of the house. She doesnt get enough s.s. to pay half the bills at the house and without the doctors help im lost.

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Yep, classic case of a mom enmeshed man I'm sorry to say. There is even a book written about this kind of man, When He's Married to Mom by Adams.

His mother's love rules his life for he is more connected with her emotionally than he is to you. That is painful.

You are not alone. There are others who have lost their husbands to their moms because of such emotional attachment. Therapy can help, but only if the man is wiling to recognize that he has a problem and is very wiling to work on it. However, the older the man or woman who has this kind of problem is, the more difficult it is to be dealt with.

There is one story on this site in which the husband and wife are in therapy together trying to get free from his mom, but they are having a very difficult battle. I hope they make it and I commend her for standing by her man,but she also reached a point in their marriage where she told him it was either her or his mom.

I would imagine that you feel betrayed and that is very painful, but you have been betrayed. It's not your fault. There is nothing to feel guilty about. He's chosen another woman over you and that woman is his mom. Sick! Maybe a therapist could help you not only with your pain but also find someway to help your children.

Feel free to keep coming back and venting about all this as much as you want. We will listen.
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Its mostly verbal, name calling crap, as of yesterday i have moved out with kids. He doesnt think its all his mom, told me it was me and the kids. So i have left. I will have nothing to do with her anymore hurts alot that he chose his mother over me and kids. Kids dont understand any of it but i had to leave. So now he can live alone with his mother.
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Where is your husband in all this? Mama's boy or unwilling participant? Too late now but if Mom has always been this way, moving in was a bad choice But it is the choice you and/or your husband made and now have to fix. It won't be easy but husband needs to understand HIS family is his first responsibility? We can love and make sure our parents are safe and well cared for without sacrificing our own family's happiness and wellbeing.

It wouldn't hurt to have your local social services come in for an evaluation as to what services MIL is eligible for; her doctor can request this. There's a lot to be done but you have to figure out where to start so you and your husband can save your family.
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There is far more than dementia and her being handicapped going on here. Her personality is not healthy at all. Has she always had a spending problem?

I'm sorry that you gave up your house and moved in with her because being her house, you don't have a lot of leverage because your in a rather dependent position. Sounds like she's glad to have her son back home, but no one else. Sick!

How exactly has your MIL been becoming more aggressive toward you and the four children? Are we talking about verbal abuse, physical abuse or threats of bodily harm?

Does your husband stand up to her for you and the children? Sorry, but I would not subject my wife and children to someone like her. How old are your children? To some degree, I'm surprise that you have not just taken the children and left.

How in the world did his dad put up with this woman's behavior and personality? Has she agree to signing the POAs? Does she understand what they are? What will will do if she refuses to sign the POA? I would have told dad, I'm not moving in with ya'll to take care of her without her giving us POA. How long has dad been dead?

Frankly, ya'll have been getting used since ya'll moved in with them 4 years ago. Ya'll did know this is how she is when you agreed to move it? Were their finances this bad when you moved in? Evidently, they weren't paying their own bills back then, if they needed you to move in so you could help them pay their bills.

Does your husband have any siblings or is he the only child?
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Yea we are trying to get hubby to be her poa. She is how do say this nice evil when her sons not around. We are trying to get poa over everything. She has never liked anyone she comes into contact with but her son. Its hard because i gave up everything to move and take care off her, my job, my house, my life and this is how it turns out to be ahh. I mean we pay almost all the household bills, electric, cable, phone, food, car inc. My hubby works two jobs and we have four kids, i just got a part time job but what are we supposed to do. My house i bought i let go because we couldnt afford to keep it and live here. Now she is calling everyone who will talk to her saying im stealing her stuff, which isnt true she cant have food in her closest that belongs in the fridge. And now im finding dishes pots and pans in their. We are going up to get the poa paper work and haveing a person come to the house to notaries it for us senice she is handicapped and cant move about all that great.
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Will the rehab notifiy her Dr about her behavior there? That may be a start. And as for her on line shopping if it;s not in YOUR name.. let the checks bounce. Notify her bank about her problems,, with no poa at least you tried? She can;t affect your credit if your not on her accounts. Or just write Return to sender on the boxes.. not your problem! Then when her auto deducts bounce.. ask her where her money went? Can you switch her non auto pay account to another account so those bills don't bounce.. sort of like an account for her "allowance"? This should be a red flag for her Dr then, with proof.
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Of course she acts fine at the doctor's office for she's trying her best to come across as normal in front of him. About all older parents do that.

Do you take the opportunity to talk with him in private about what is really going on? I did that with my mother's doctor as her medical POA, but you can tell a doctor your information without a medical POA, he just want be allowed to discuss it.

How old is your MIL? Can she afford in home caregivers so that you and your family can move out into your own house and have a life?

Where is your husband in all of this? She's his mom and she should be his responsibility.

How old are the kids? That is really not a healthy environment for them to be in given the description of your MIL.
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She falls everyday, her doctor says she acts fine at his office. I have to get a recorder and record some off things she does. And the elder care facility that she was at for reheb wont take her because of her mouth and the way she treats everyone. Its messed up because she will be nice to evryone else outside home but when she gets home she turns into a different person. I dont like to take her out shoping because she runs people over in cart and if they dont have something she needs all hell brecks lose. She gets s.s. and has a set income we went over it with her and dad years ago. We have all her bills set up each month to atomically come out of her acct, but she thinks she can buy everthing she sees on tv. And trying to send it all back and get the mmoney back into her acct is hard then me and hubby are leftwith trying to pay our bills and come up with money to pay hers and over draft fees. Now because i have taking on myself to check her room for food and other items she hides she said shegoing to evict me and kids but hubby can stay. Im the bad guy in this whole mess.
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This is really tough. Obviously, something is not right with her. Has she ever been diagnosed with dementia? Does she have other health issues or mental health issues? Does she take any medications? Has she suffered from urinary tract infections before?

Has she signed a Durable Power of Attorney to anyone?

Even though she may have dementia, she may still be competent to sign a Durable Power of Attorney. It would great if she would that, because if not, handling her affairs down the road is going to very difficult to do. Without that you may have to petition the court for guardianship which involves money, time and often hurt feelings. See an elder law attorney and get the Durable Power of Attorney appointing your husband, you or whoever is trustworthy to handle her affairs. If she won't sign it. Your hands are tied.

If you do get the DPOA signed, then I would strongly encourage her to see a doctor for anything at all that will get her in the door Say it's for a vaccination, insurance review, anything to get her in the door, because she could have a Urinary tract infection that is making her act strange. It could be anything. The doctor should know of the strange behavior. While she's there the doctor can casually ask her questions to determine if she needs assistance and exactly what she needs. If her doctor is not willing to explore this strange behavior, then there's something odd with him. This is common with elderly people. She needs his help.

What is your goal with regard to her care? Do you wish to continue living with her? If it is dementia, that behavior isn't likely to get better. It's a progressive condition and the patient needs more and more care. She may grow more and more resistant and hostile. Sometimes medications can help, but not always.

I would discuss future plans for where you all will live and you MIL's care with your husband. Oh, also, talk to the Elder Care attorney about the fact an adult child has lived in the home caring for his parent. That could be a factor if she is eligible for Medicaid and if she owns the house. If she does need placement in long term care down the road, she may need Medicaid to help cover the cost.

I wish you all the best. It sounds like this is a very stressful situation.
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I would call the ambulance the next time she falls. Then, inform the doctor and anyone else, that she can no longer live at home. You need to start getting the items together for her to claim medicaid and get the care that she needs.

Why can't you put her in a nursing home?
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