No Help From Mother-in-Law Caring for Grandmother

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I care for my husbands 98 yr old grandmother w/Alz. And we get no help from my MIL. Grandma is up at night just about every hour all night long! I also care for a 2 and 4 year old (not mine) Plus I have two kids still at home of my own, one is still in HS. On wednesdays my MIL would take grams to the club but since she came here she has a 92 yr old come pick her up, and on club day she would set up grams dr. apts so she didn't have to pick her up she would take her from the club to the drs. and then drop her off back here. But getting her up in the morning was getting harder and harder. Harder and her and myself! I would have to get her up at 6:30am and i would be like fighting with her to get out of bed! She would say shes sick and so on. Then once you got her out you would have to stay right on her because she would fall asleep while eating breakfast, washing, and dressing! All this to have her out the door by 8am. Now the kids are back to being dropped off at 5:30am so I;m up getting them and putting them back to bed ans hope that when grandma gets up she don't wake them, (she bangs into everything and is loud! she thinks she quiet!) And then the kids are up by 8-8:30 if grandma didn't wake then earlier! So I told my MIL that its too hard on me to be getting up and down every hour at night, to wake up @ 5:30 for the kids and then to go through all that with grandma. I told her she could make her Dr's. apts another day, its just to hard to function the rest of the day! And now I find out she told my husband to tell me that grandma has a Dr's apt wed, and the lady will pick her up for the club since she has an appt.!!!!! What a bitch!! She has no clue how dam tired I get taking care of her mother and her grandkids (2 and 4 yr old thats not mine!) I've been waiting for so long for karma to come back and kick them in the ass, that if I don't see that soon I'll kick their ass's myself!!!


Wow. I feel for you. I wonder if, after you're able to calm yourself a little, that you could calmly speak to your MIL again about the situation. See if SHE (MIL) could come to your home EARLY to HELP get Grandma ready one early morning? I'm wondering if she were to actually WITNESS this struggle-she might "get it" and hopefully truly understand what you have been dealing with. Then, a new discussion might be able to open up to hopefully help you. I hope MIL would be open to that-it's not too much to ask. Try to approach her like a "partner" not an "enemy". Then if that doesn't work...kick her ass!! (Kidding! Just wanted to make you laugh!) Listen Debb064, when you're feeling at your lowest, put your arms around yourself, squeeze REAL hard, and know that's me-giving you a hug.
How much of this did you sign up for, and how much was dropped on you? The answer to that question might shed some light on your state of mind. Are you resentful about this stuff being dumped on you, or are you mad at yourself for signing up for it? That doesn't mean it's not a pain nonetheless. Why is mother-in-law dragging a woman with alz to 'the club' in the first place? Give me a break, let her alone and let her sleep in already. Tell her from now on the Dr. appts will be scheduled for the afternoon, or mil can come and get her mother out of bed and ready.
Caring for grandma and the kids really isn't what stresses me out! It's her daughter who thinks that she don't need to help with anything with her mother. My son just got married and was home for a short time from the army and we asked if she could at least take her mother the day before and keep her till the day after the wedding so I could enjoy my first son getting married. My MIL just got back from a vacation over seas and two weeks before that was in disney with her daughter (whos kids I watch) But when asked if she would do this for us she said NO. How was she to get ready if she had her mother and so on!! And she knows that I have to plan out the weeks because of grandmas schedule and the kids and my own kids and dr. apts and such. But they think I can just drop everything because they deiced last min that they are going to take grandma. Weeks if not months go by without them taking her anywhere but I'm expected to drop everything and cater to them! They think I have it so easy and they don't realize just how much work it is. But they couldn't handle it all and have said so. But they feel free to say what I can handle. This is why I took grandma in in the first place. They don't care about her just what she can do for them. And now that she is unable to do for them they just up and turn there back on her. And my MIL thinks is rotten when other family members wait till the last min. for something they have known about for a while. But she can do it to me all the time! The funny thing is they say to me that when they get like grandma they want me to take care of them! But boy do I have news for them!! NO WAY!! I'm so tired of selfish people and them thinking I have no life so what I need or what don't matter. I would still have a life if they would do there part and be a daughter to her mother and the grandchildren the same! I don't ask often for there help but you would think that my sons wedding they would have helped. And that they would understand that when you go days with no sleep and during the day your cleaning butts and feeding and changing and so on that you need a break once in a while. And when something is too hard on the caregiver help to make it easier. If I were asked again to care for her I would! She has never done nothing for someone when they needed her, and she needs me now and I wouldn't turn my back on her.
I can relate to you very well Ihad my mother live withme for 1 year and i was her sole care giver I hardly got much sleep al my mom did was sleep alot I couldnt get her motivated to do any thing I tried toget her to go today care she refused I a so burnt out the ensof this summer I almost eneded up in the hospital for stress burn out mom was independen when I moved out in with me last Ocober but needed supervison my mom was 92 yrs old she passedaway December 10 fromalz demesita last stages i had to her to put her in hospital she kept falin alot and her medication stopped working I had ro put her in nusrsing home she was placed permanently in NH for 4 weeks . I couldnt get any help from the out side Ilive withmy sister no help whatsoever from her all she cared about was her stray cats the hell with my mother. Ihad taken my mother out of bad situation when she lived with my nephew she was neglected by him. this was a very hard year for me20110 and caring for my mom.. I didnt get any breaks at all.. I couldnt get out to even go to any of the support groups that was offered tome. I miss mymom being a care giver. If any one ever needed help from e I do it again. to be a care giver.

So what does your husband do while all this is going on? Is he laying around emasculated? After all, it's HIS mother and HIS grandmother. And what about the parents of those 2 & 4 y/o who aren't yours? Don't they have a home?

Baby, it's time for you to take charge instead of being everybody else's slave. Otherwise you'll end up in a psych ward and no one's going to visit except to rag you about what you're no longer doing for them.

Take your home and your life back. Talk to your husband about putting grandma in a nursing home; get your MIL out of your system; and send the two little ones back to their parents. Focus on your own well-being, your children, and what's left of your husband. ... Right now you're burned out and running on fumes, so restore your sanity quickly and don't take s__t from anybody anymore.

Good luck my Queen.

-- ED

I totally agree with ED.

It is one thing to be the family rock, it is quite another thing to be a doormat. It sounds like you are doing so much and just aren't getting the cooperation you need from your mother-in-law, your sister-in-law, and unfortunately your husband as well.

You are taking care of all of his family from the cradle to the geriatric stage and it sounds like not even getting common courtesy in return.

The example of a simple scheduling switch to allow you more time in the morning for your sister-in-law's children to settle down and let grandma sleep was too much for your mother-in-law to adjust to? It is hard to believe someone could be that dense and uncaring for your situation.

If your mother-in-law can't be part of the solution, she definately should have a care NOT to be part of the problem.

When you are burned out there isn't much of a difference between being the family rock...or the family doormat both can be very wearing situations for the caregiver.

/hugs to you! I hope things get better, you need some rest.

I cannot understand why you have allowed yourself to be caring for three people who are not necessarily your responsibility. The biggest problem you have is taking on all this responsibility instead of having the family come together with a plan of sharing the care of these people.
As long as you continue doing all of this, why would anyone pitch in to help?
I agree with Ed. I am so tired of relatives just "dumping" the responsibility on the person who is willing to accept it. You have a big heart and everyone can see it a mile away.
So, you have to take control. Start with your husband. He should be pitching in tremendously. If not, you need to set a time limit on when the MIL will pick up grams. Unless you plan on adopting the little ones, send the kiddos back to the family where they belong or find them a great new family who will give them a permanent home. (are the authorities in your area aware that you are taking the children in?)
Bottom line: take care of yourself. Everyone said that to me when I arrived here a year ago and it is TRUE. I had so much stress at the end of 2010 with caring for my Mom and other drama, that I thought I would not make it and it took a toll on my body.
Make these changes sooner than later.
good luck

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