I do help as much as possible, but Mom really hates me. Help.

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I moved home to change careers. Dad got sick & died of cancer. I left school to care for him. I am stuck at home getting help from my mom till I graduate. I'm back in school but mom hates me. I buy food, clean the house, do lots of things. Since I have been here, her health has deteriorated. We share a car and I don't have enough money to pay for groceries and the car. She complains that she has to make the car payment and insurance payment. I feel bad but until I finish school I am using 1/2 of my money to care for her and my almost 50 year old brother who lives there and does nothing. I tried to appease her by being home all the time, but I gained a lot of weight and now have Type 2 Diabetes. I have to go to a gym to workout to get the weight off. My mom did not give in to me going out until she saw how sick I got.

Still, if I go out with friends she feels I have no reason doing it because my time is better spent at home taking care of her and not using any extra money I have for clothes, entertainment, etc. When I am home, she won't allow me to clean the house as I want. She has become a hoarder. She fights with me even if I don't throw anything away. Her room is disgusting and I can't even get through it. If I try to clean her bathroom she yells and says mean things to me and tells me to get out.

She also cannot move around much, but whenever my brother and his wife come over with their kids, she begins to cook a huge meal and expects me to fall in line and help her or take over without anyone else's help. I work full time on my feet with a very physical job. I also go to school full time, and I have a business on the side of cleaning two offices. This is the only way I can afford gas when I buy groceries.

I'm stressed. I am only good as I was the day before. Each day I have to prove myself, do what she wants, or I am either deemed as disrespectful or unthankful. I have no life of my own, and just the thought of me having a love interest makes her extremely angry at me. I am so miserable and sad. At times I want to just end my life. I can't leave her because everyone will make me the bad guy, but living like this is worse than dying. I have 3 other brothers and sisters and I am the main one who does everything. I also have a syndrome that leaves me extremely tired. This along with the diabetes is very hard to deal with, but my mom only says how she has had it hard and I am younger and should have no problem doing what she asks. The truth is that I do.

I don't think there is an answer to any of this. I'm just venting.



Hpy, what a rough spot to be in. Does mom have dementia? How much time do you spend caregiving? And that includes grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning etc, these are all caregiving tasks. I ask because you need to consider what it would cost to hire someone to do what you do. Do you really feel that living with mom is your only option? Caregivers in my area are paid about $12.00 per hour. I suspect you time pays for much more than food, car payment and insurance.
My mom has some memory lapse but not dementia. I grocery shop every week, clean every week (when she lets me because she either fights it happening or complains about noise). Believe it or not, she likes to cook and does it every day for dinner. I tell her not to, but she does it, hurts herself, and then blames me. My brother lives with us and he never does anything. When money gets low or I don't have time to grocery shop I bring my mom food for lunch. I also have to leave work to take her to many doctors appointments. I make 12.00 an hour so I can' t afford to hire someone for that.
There is no easy answer here, and if there was you would have figured it out already...but I can tell you that Mom is wrong about you and her negative comments and hatefulness are not your fault and don't reflect who you really are. No one should have to work as hard as you are working and have a steady stream of toxic criticism dumped on them and just keep going indefinitely. And the heck with what other people think, your life and health are far more important than living up to expectations of people who have no idea what you are really feeling and going through. It's time for a family meeting and past time for you to get help for yourself, especially if you are suicidal!

Look, your mom, if she were in her right mind or at least being a loving mom, would not be oblivious to your suffering, would be proud of you for all you have done and are doing, and would be positively interested in you having a relationship that might bring along some grandchildren at some point. Maybe in times past she was a good mom, maybe not, but now she has limited capacity for empathy and is in the grip of her own mental illness manifested as hoarding...and that's related to OCD and yes, people often get hateful if limits are set on that behavior. You do not need to feel unworthy of help - of course your depression plus your moms constant negative feedback together would make you feel that way for sure - and you do not need to feel any shame in asking and trying to see that changes are made that mean your life is at least within the bounds of tolerance and not the way it is now.
VStefans: Thank you for your answer. It has helped me to feel a little bit better. My mom and I had an argument today because she was mad at me for not helping her cook dinner when my brother, his wife, and their four kids showed up. I was so tired. I have asked her in the past to quit making these big dinners when they show up because it makes me to have to finish it and clean it up. I get no help from my brother or sister in law. This time I decided to not even enter the kitchen, not enable her. She got so mad that I did that, she told me today I was disrespectful and a user. I live in her house with her paying most of the bills and I won't even do what she asks, even if it is at the spur of the moment! I have had to change college classes, change educational paths because I have put my mom and dad ahead of me. I was supposed to be a nurse by now, but because of my mom's needs I had to quit nursing school. I told her today I cry almost every night because of the way she treats me and talks to me, she didn't care. It hurts so much.
I suggest you drop to part time at school, attend year round, Continue to work full time. Get a cheap place with a studious or hard working roommate. It will take you longer to finish college but you will be in charge of your own life. Also, work on your personal health....maybe even look for a job in the industry you want to work in....look for tuition reimbursement.
Bottom line work on yourself.

My advise would be different if your mom was grateful or had dementia, but it just sounds like she is controlling.

Mom does not have dementia and can get around....she was on her own before you returned home and for whatever reason she lives with a 50 yr old who by your description does not contribute to society.

Unfortunately not all moms are maternal...not all daughter / mother relationships are positive. Do not be a victim in your own life, and do not keep increasing the "debt" int her eyes by continuing to live under her roof.

I have no doubt you work ad hard as you do, or that she is as unreasonable as you describe, but while you live in her house the situation will be defined by her.
I am so sorry for your situation and hope you can get some relief soon. It is outrageous what some parents do to their children even as they are adults. They have no right. How old are you? How old is your mother? If you weren't there, could she drive and do her own shopping - basically are you meeting real needs or just being a free personal assistant for her? If real needs are involved, you can still walk away but you'll probably need to hook her up with the right agencies. I don't know if you are looking for advice but mine would be plan your get away - start putting a little money aside working a tiny bit more and rent an apartment with roommates and just leave. Your mother has lost all right to demand anymore dutiful service from you. I wish you well and hope the way out of this becomes clear soon.
Ismiami: I am working hard on finding somewhere to move. I live in a very expensive area. If I am to move into a place I can stay, I would have to live in Detroit, which is the number one crime city in America. I am working on leaving. As far as school goes, if I stay on course I will graduate in September of 2014 with a bachelors. I take accelerated classes (five weeks at a time). I also believe like you said that I need to live on my own, or she will never see me as anything but debt. The funny thing is that my brother makes 28.00 an hour but has child support for two children. She never bothers him about anything, not even dusting the house. She says she feels sorry for him. It is very hard to take when I am left with many things to do. I wish I had money now. After my dad died, my mom almost died two weeks later. I had to leave school to take care of her also. If those events had not happened, I would be earning $27.00 an hour working as a RN. As is, I can't be a RN now, the time for that has passed. I don't have the time to not work. I have switched my education to Health Care Admin. I wish she could see the effort and sacrifice.
Bermuda: Thank you for your advice. I will start to put money away. For now, I put some money away to go to a jazz concert on Saturday. This is a secret. If my mom knew she would make me feel guilty for going to a concert instead of giving her the money. I am 44 years old and divorced with no children. I was pregnant twice with twins but lost both of those pregnancies. I think I am the one with all the responsibility because I am the only one without a husband or children.
You are the one with all the responsibility because you are the one taking all the responsibility. You are 44 years old. Your mother can't "make" you do anything you decide not to do. Really.

My post may seem kind of harsh. I'm sorry. Your reality right now is very harsh. It needs to change. You deserve it to change!

Mother deems you disrespectful .. and? So what? Her opinions about you are obviously not based in reality. If you leave, everyone will make you the bad guy. Really? Everyone? The instructors at your school? The people you work with? Or other members of your dysfunctional family? The situation is so bad that you think about ending your life, and yet you worry about what other people will think if you take action to improve it. Does that make sense?

You do not need your mother's permission to live your own life. She doesn't get to tell you when you can go to concerts. You are thirty years past that point in your life.

Can you live in a dorm? Have you applied for all the aid and loans you might be eligible for? As a college student you have access to a great benefit -- counselling. Please take advantage of that. You deserve emotional support for making the changes you need to make. See a counselor! Also go to the financial aid office and discuss your situation.

You need to get out of that abusive environment. If that means it takes you six more months to graduate, so be it. I don't understand what you mean about the time for becoming an RN has passed. When my aunt was widowed at age 60 she used the insurance money to go back to school for a nursing degree. Each winter quarter she lived in the dorm so she wouldn't have to drive from her home. She wanted it and she did it.

I'm glad other posters approached you with hugs. I know you deserve that. I am sympathetic, too. I'm thinking that MAYBE you also need a kick in the pants. I tried to supply it.

Let us know how things unfold for you. Each of us in our own way cares!
HPY, I hope the program you are in is a reputable one and not one of the for profit colleges we are hearing about on the news. Several weeks ago I also saw a segment on 60 minutes about how Detroit has started to turn itself around in some of the worst areas because of money that developers are bring into the area. There could potentially be some very inexpensive places to live in Detroit that are safe. Find the 60 minutes segment on the internet, maybe it will give you some more ideas

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