How to help a victim of F.O.G.y parents, relatives or others.

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i.e., people who use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to manipulate and control.?
We have threads and articles that cover detaching with love, setting boundaries, the power of the emotional blackmailer and how to overcome it.

Those are good resources, but when we see someone in our virtual online life here or in our face to face world, how can we best help them to see what is going on in their lives and begin helping them to deal with it, if they want to deal with the emotional abuse going on in their lives, beyond just getting them something to read her online or printing something for them to read.

I had a good but inexperienced therapist 12 years ago whose approach to anything was another handout of me to read, but I got the most out of us actually talking about how what was in the article would help me in the present and in the future. Knowledge by itself was not enough. The therapist that I've seen since about 10 years ago does not use handouts and we have covered much more in my life and at much deeper levels than was even stated with the handout therapist.
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So, I've created a list of questions for caregivers who seek to help other caregivers here online or in their face to face world with the emotional blackmail and abuse that comes from either a F.O.G.y parent, spouse, relative, friend or others.

1. What has worked and not worked for you in seeking to help someone see that they are victims of emotional abuse that is coming from what I've labeled as a F.O.G.y parent, spouse, relative or friend?

2. What has worked and not worked for you in seeking to help someone stop being a victim to taking steps toward them taking back control of their own life?

3. What have you found to be the most frustrating aspect of seeking to help a victim of F.O.G.y parents, spouses, relatives or others? What have you learned about yourself, about others, and about trying to help other from those frustrating aspects of trying to help?

4. What have you found to be the most joyful aspect of seeking to help a victim of F.O.G.y parents, spouses, relatives or others? What have you learned about the dynamics of seeking to help a victim of F.O.G.y parents, spouses, relatives, or others?

5. What do you do with the feelings that surround those times when you gave it your best shot and you were very hopeful for them and supportive of them, but things did not work out well at all and they are still being emotionally abused or they have let their boundaries down and are back to being emotionally abused?

6. Which of the following seven are the most important and helpful to you in seeking to help others? 1. A passionate zeal to "save" people out of the abuse they are in. 2. Knowledge about emotional abuse, boundaries, etc. 3. A compassionate detachment that does not get lost in the victim's emotions and confusion. 4. Wise patience with the person making progress at his or her own rate which probably will involve making some mistakes and backsliding some along the way instead of just being a straight line of continual progress from point A to point B. 5. The ability to respect how hard it is to make choices contrary to being a victim, no matter how small us us they may appear, are for the person who is the victim. 6. The humility to recognize that this is about them and their choices whatever they may be and not about us being successful as bad as we would love to be. 7. Deep unconditional love that gives one the ability to continue to care for this person and to let them know they are cared for even if they choose to not to get free from emotional abuse.
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I think that raising this main question and the related questions can help us all be better equipped in seeking to help people here online who are victims and people who we see in our face to face lives who are victims as well.

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Bringing this back to the top.
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5. What do you do with the feelings that surround those times when you gave it your best shot and you were very hopeful for them and supportive of them, but things did not work out well at all and they are still being emotionally abused or they have let their boundaries down and are back to being emotionally abused?

Answered just above, previous post.
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In the last three days, even though my heart was tugged to help someone not willing to help themselves or take other's advice, I have extricated myself already!

I don't feel bad because the caregivers needing help will do it in their own time; and others can also help them and are much better at helping than I can.
Be well, everyone.
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Hoping that some more recent posters, identified themselves as stuck in dysfunction, will follow this thread, come on over for help, and ideas to make some positive changes. Also hoping others with positive changes being made can offer compassionate and constructive advice, real help.
My heart goes out to many on here, and even though I understand why they don't
help themselves and become unstuck, I often allow myself to get caught up in their situation and must withdraw support for a time.
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Does that line up of Zzzzzzzzz's look straight to you?
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Wait, reality check here....I have just been declared sane by someone who calls themselves ass and ache? Lol. I'll take it! Thanks!!
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Thank you for that! Assandache, I just could not sleep, it's 3:20 a.m. so it's been a miserable night for me. Now, I am glad I wrote in, and happy you were here!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
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Sendme2help it seems you have analyzed yourself.. You are sane!

If you are anything like me this situation will happen again and again you will be kicking yourself in the *ss afterwards...

We didn't become caregivers because we don't care!
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Looked up this thread again after coming across a person who was a stranger before I was in a position to spend 3 hours under her control. I might not have the correct terminolgy to use to identify her problem. I don't want to go into why or how a stranger was able to control me, and for 3 hours.
I just know how bad I feel, and that I don't want to do that ever. And to say I saw it coming and went ahead anyway. And I am really angry at myself. And no wonder it is safer for me to isolate than to go out and meet with people. And to avoid family gatherings. And I will need time to recover. I hate myself. But I was overly kind to someone to keep the peace. People on here would say I enabled her instead of confronting or keeping boundaries up.

As a result of how unsettled I am feeling, the store clerk said: Well, if you are in a bad mood (as you described), you are the sweetest, kindest person in a bad mood that I have ever met. This is just not normal!!
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From what I've seen, hardly anyone digs far into one's past at all to see where the fire started and all of the details unless the person needs to unload all of that. Most therapist are cognitive behavioral therapists who are more focused on what is going on now and offer cognitive and behavioral ideas to help the person deal with the present and the future. Unlike older therapy approaches, CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy is not opened ended, but often reaches closer in less than 20 sessions.

Here's some quotes from an article about it online.

" CBT therapists believe that the clients change because they learn how to think differently and they act on that learning. Therefore, CBT therapists focus on teaching rational self-counseling
skills."

"Cognitive-behavioral therapists seek to learn what their clients want out of life (their goals) and then help their clients achieve those goals. The therapist's role is to listen, teach, and encourage, while the client's roles is to express concerns, learn, and implement that learning."

So, if we can effectively live in the present and into the future without thinking about all of that painful stuff or finding various experiences or people triggering us to react because it reminds of the painful stuff, then we probably don't need counseling.

The counseling world has come a long ways from the days, of Freud, along with laying on the sofa talking aimlessly about one's past. The past, for the post part, is important only to the degree that it is hindering us in the present and on into the future. Some people just find it helpful to get it all out particularly if they have been out of touch with their deep feelings of anger for some time. That's understandable and sometimes frightening.

Basically if you can live without it fine, but if you need it fine.
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