Having trouble going inside nursing home.

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A couple days ago I had a mini-meltdown at the nursing home where my mother resides. I yelled and screamed at everyone, the staff, the administrator, the social services people, and my sister. The incident that set me off was that the nursing home, with instructions from my sister, was getting, or should I say forcing, my mom out of bed and into her wheelchair every single morning at 8:30am. EVERY SINGLE DAY. I did not know this was happening. I had received several calls from my mom recently crying and hysterical and confused. I would drop what I was doing and drive down there and she would be visuably shaken. After several times of this happening I found out that my sister had placed an order in my mothers chart to get her out of bed every morning at 8:30am and into her wheelchair. I should have just calmly changed the order but I didn;t. Instead I became enraged. I just lost it! I couldn't believe my sister would make such a horrible request AND that mostly the nursing home would follow such an outrageous regiment. It hurt me so much to think my mother was being forced out of her bed at 8:30am every single morning, not even one day to sleep in, not a holiday, not even on a rainy day. I've been crying for days about it.

Now the orders are changed, my sister admitted it was not well thought out, the nursing home quickly removed the order from her chart. But the aftermath has left me shaken............I feel I can't go back into the nursing home. I feel "THEY" almost won.......they being my sister and the nursing home. My sister outdoes me at the nursing home. They love her, she is there more than me, she does alot for my mom,. I am unstable, an emotional wreck most of the time. My sister has better control of her emotions. I have always forced myself to go into the nursing home. I hate it there, it makes me sick. How do others make themselves go inside the nursing homes without one day exploding into a complete "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE" incident? I can't keep living this way, I have to change.


Oh, bless your heart. You know, caregiving is not for everyone. Some people are given the ability to make music and other people are given the ability to listen and enjoy. That's me, LOL!

Maybe your sister is a born caregiver and you are intended to enjoy your mother while she still around.

A lot of people think it is not good for the elderly to be in bed all day. They are isolated, they can easily develop bedsores, their health declines if they are not given the opportunity to eat at regular intervals.

Maybe 8:30 was too early for your mother, maybe it could have been more flexible. But I will tell you this. Nursing home staff are generally very good people who do a job that is not well compensated, is a lot of drudgery and messiness, and they have very little "down time". Breaks are always looked forward to with eagerness, because they get a chance to SIT DOWN. If they can get Mrs. Jones up and dressed and out of her bed every day, that's great, it means they can change her sheets without having to roll her from side to side. It means they can spend a few minutes with Mrs. Smith hand feeding her some breakfast. It means they can walk Mr. Allen to the toilet soon after he makes the request, rather than him having to wait.

I'm truly sorry if Mom was calling you complaining and crying. That could have as much to do with her dementia as anything else. Every day is a new day.

As far as how to force yourself to go to the nursing home - that I really can't help you with because I don't have a problem. I've been going to them since I was a toddler and have worked there as a volunteer. I took a class at the local college and became a CNA, although I never worked in a paid position and my certification has expired. I used the knowledge to help me learn how to help my elderly relatives. With knowledge comes power. It gives you the ability to become more clinical and less emotional.

If your mother is able to sit in a wheelchair, perhaps you could wheel her outside on good days, take her to the mall, to a restaurant, even home with you for a meal. That way, every visit with her wouldn't be in the dreaded NH.
txcamper, You are my hero! Those of you who can go into the nursing homes with all your love, comfort, and assistance are my HEROS!. I've been going for 4 years, holding my breath every time. I'm no good, I tried, I cried, I forced myself and I've got to stop. I'm going to try and believe that maybe, just maybe, it's ok to leave the job to the staff and to my sister. I feel like a total failure. I have learned that nursing home staff have a job to do.......and it's not easy! I would never want the job of getting someone out of bed in the morning like they do. Thank you for all of your wonderful suggestions and information. Now I have to get over the extreme GUILT I will feel should I proceed with my plan to not go inside the nursing home. Maybe, just maybe I can find a way that works for my mom and me. Thank you again soooooo much.
I used to go and have dinner with my mom in the dining room. But now I take something she'll like, we eat in a nice area with windows to watch for rabbits and squirrels. When it warms up, we'll eat outside. It makes a world of difference in both of us, this more pleasant, more normal activity.

I can't quite understand why anyone would be upset if someone was needed to get out of bed by 8:30 in the morning. When your Mom lived at home, what was her regular wake-up time? Of course now she is dealing with memory issues, could be when she wakes up she's not sure where she is and she becomes scared. Then she calls you, still in that panic mode.

I would let the nursing home and their professionals set the schedule for your mom's wake-up call, breakfast, etc. With dealing with so many patients, the home needs to make sure everything runs smoothly and on-time. I agree with 100% with what txcamper had posted above.

I love what txcamper said. I'll just add that you have been going in to a place that triggers scary emotions in you for four years, all because you love your Mom. That's something to feel good about.

If you think you might have hurt feelings with your outburst you might feel better about going back if you say sorry. Not sorry for how you felt about the situation but sorry for the hurt. No one is perfect, not even close :)
Nora, please, please, don't feel like a failure! You are not a failure. I don't know you, but I'm sure you have many talents. You care about your mother a great deal, so much so that it hurt your heart to have her be upset. That is not a bad thing. I will repeat that - That is NOT a bad thing. What you might work on is channeling that love and affection toward a different direction. You know there will be bathroom smells, but quite frankly, it shouldn't be overpowering. Take some room spray and spray your mother's room a little bit. Wear an infinity scarf with a little perfume right in the front and bring it up to your face while you're in the hall. Use your imagination, you can come up with some ideas of how to mask the odors until you are in Mom's room. Maybe my sense of smell isn't as finely tuned as yours, now wouldn't that be something to learn at my age?

Just remember when you enter the doors, that the end goal is to spend quality time with your mother. Try not to worry about the details unless that is what distracts you from the scary parts. The staff will care for her to the best of their abilities, but they are not her daughters. You can't be something you're not, but you can be her daughter. I have to go now, but bless you for caring.
Nora, my dear, this is difficult for you. You are losing your mom, slowly. And your mom may be playing you and your sister off against each other. Maybe not, but...

Have you ever been to therapy? It can be a great comfort to talk these issues out with a dispassionate 3rd party. Peace and love to you!
My hubs is also hospital etc adverse...LOL I was the main visitor when MIL was in rehab. We just placed dad in MC this week, and I know hubs is dreading taking Mom to visit when I work. That said..
No MC or NH should smell these days ! Both my mom and MIL rehab did not smell, and Dad's MC does not smell. What is that all about?? The occasional poop smell right after a bathroom visit is one thing.. but a constant smell is a warning sign that you may want to look into. Depends left on too long?
As for getting mom out of bed.. out of bed is GOOD!! Better for lungs and preventing bedsores. Does your Mom even know she is getting out of bed at 830? We are all used to the idea of "sleeping in is good and nice".. But they get to take naps... And if they are sleeping in all day they miss the socialization
IMHO visiting hospital, nh, funeral home, etc is just having to deal with unpleasantness. When I was younger, I would almost have a panic attack visiting someone in the hospital. Then came college and a wonderful psychology course that helped me realize getting upset was ME and visiting these places wasn't about me. It is about showing others we care about them; even if you can only stay a few minutes. Taking care of Mom isn't a contest and it certainly isn't them against you. Take a deep breath and call a therapist.
Nora, it sounds to me like you need to contact a therapist in the morning for an appointment to help you deal with your emotional issues that have you so torn up on the inside. Take care of you.

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