I am having a pity party today....when do I get to have a bad day?

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I know I am supposed to be upbeat and caring and all that "stuff". But today when I woke up I just wanted to let out a primal scream and break something. Today I want to left alone and not talk, just for today.....not going to happen. Please no therapy suggestions........they want to know how you felt from the first breath you took.......don't have the time or money for that. I feel that there is no way out. It is only going to get worse and worse. Thank you all for being here for me. This is not the real me, I don't think. I hope not at least. I feel that my light at the end of the tunnel is closing up. I will be ok tomorrow. I go to work and I love to go. Blast me if you want to. I'm just glad I found you all.

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I am just beginning my journey as a care giver, and I already have these moments, I am really worried because all of you have been doing this alot longer...can I last I wonder....I want to, but I have already lost patents at times them regroup an start all over again....and it has only been 8 months...oh my god....to think this could last years is really scary.
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If you have those "bad" moments again you post anywhere you want to on here honey, someone will respond withing minutes. You are NOT alone!
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Thank you both for not making me feel like a horrendous monster. I do attend an Alz group but they only meet the first Monday every month. This forum is my thread of sanity. One day I had a few hours of total terror and quiet hysteria. I thought what in the world is happening to us ? Can I handle this ? Will he suffer for years ? What if.....what if.......then I took a long breath and somehow got over it. I hope that never happens again. I don't want to start having panic attacks. I had Agoraphobia in my 20's and I couldn't handle that now. God Bless you all and this forum...
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TJ, I remember having more of those "I DON'T WANNA DO THIS ANYMORE!" days while I was raising children, and especially when they hit the teens, than I remember having caring for my demented husband. But I definitely had them in both situations. The responsibility for someone else's welfare can simply be overwhelming, I think people who have raised children and/or done caregiving who say they never wanted to abandon the role are either 1) lying or 2) delusional.

Yes, dear, be upbeat and caring, because you are a caring person and because this man has been your wonderful, loving, soul mate. But for heavens' sakes, don't expect to pull it off 24/7/365! You are human!

May I make one tiny suggestion? Please don't totally write off the possibility of therapy. Maybe not now, but hold the idea in the back of your mind. Hang on to this forum as a source of support and communication. And if at all possible I urge you to find a local caregiver support group -- as close to your situation as possible. That is, for people caregiving a spouse with dementia. Or at least people caregiving those with dementia. A more general group of caregivers would be better than no group, but the closer to your situation the better. This may actually be more therapeutic for you than a one-on-one counselor.

Hang in there! You are doing fine.
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Every time I'd call Hospice and beg to have respite scheduled, the nurses would say, "At least you're aware that you're burnt out." Yeah .. it helps, but it's not a cure. But lemme tell ya ... the respite WORKS. I feel like I can breathe again .. at least for a little while.

On one particularly bad day with my dad, I stood in front of him shaking from anger and pain, and said, "FINE ... You do it alone, and WHEN you fall, and you know you will, I'll still be here to help you up. You are not in this alone. We're all along for this painful journey. BE NICE!!!" and stomped off. I mean, really ... we're all human and entitled to our own level of grief. And that's the hardest part. We're not just giving care and taking care of our elders .... we're losing them. And it just HURTS.

Scream away.
LadeeC
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Tarajane, congratulations on being married that long. That is really an accomplishment. Best wishes to you and your spouse.
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Tara, I had many mornings I would have liked to sceam! How is the Seroquel working?
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Well, people, I feel better now. Boy did that scream feel good. But now my throat hurts ! LOL I go to work tomorrow for 5 hours and I love it there! I get to talk to people that don't have a new ache or pain every minute, or trying to find things for him all day ! . Next week I am going to get my hair cut...luxury for me. I am also planning a vacation to FL next May or June whether we will be able to go because of the Dementia or not. At least I can pretend now. I am a list maker, it calms me so I will make a travel list. We have been able to go to FL every year for week or two or three in the 48 years we have been married. When I think about going I feel the endorphins kick in and I sort of get a giddy feeling. We have always love FL, the nature side, NOT the commercial side. 7 months is a long time to plan but if it helps me, and it does I'll do it. I really do care for you all..what a nice group of people I have found. Hugs to all of you and of course prayers. Thank you ;-)
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I have sat in the car on the way back from my mom's place and screamed and screamed at the heavens. Until I was hoarse. And crying. And it feels wonderful! Very tiring, but in a good way. So yes, been there, done that - as has any caregiver! (And I've probably scared the h*ll out of fellow drivers who pass me as I'm having my loud meltdown - with my windows up of course!). :)
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Tarajane, I'll just bet that your initial question ,is one we all ask ourselves at least one day a week, if not more! I'll join in on The Big Scream! Like you said, it's probably just one of those days, and this to shall pass! Join us over on the Whine, for a great outlet for your frustrations and a lot of laughter as well, a nicer bunch of people, I have never met, literally! Lol! This forum as a whole, has been such a comfort to me, and I wish I had found it sooner! You All, are always in my thoughts and prayers!
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