Where do I go to just vent and have someone say, I know what you mean. It'll be OK, just hang on a little longer. I hope it's here.

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I don't want suggestions that I need to place MIL in a home or get more help, or throw DH out on his ass or anything like that. I don't want to be told I need a vacation. I just want someone to come hold me and let me cry and tell me it will be OK. I want to tell them Nancy has been nasty to me and I have to accept it because "we need her". She works cheap. Don't suggest we find someone else. She is MIL's niece.

One day, as the regular caregiver from the home health agency was here talking about her own "burnout" and I was sympathizing, Nancy said she thought I was acting like I was some sort of queen or something. I told her I didn't think I was some sort of damned queen. She said I had an attitude going around telling everybody how bad it was and wanting them to feel sorry for me. I talk to no-one but my husband, my sisters (who Nancy doesn't even know) and to this particular caregiver on this one occasion that day. I've had Nancy in my life 30 months now along with MIL and I am sick of her but I have to tolerate her because DH says so.

Nancy doesn't bathe. She's very large, won't get into a tub because she can't get out of one, so she washes up at the sink. Most days, her odor is so bad I can hardly stand to be around her. She said I was so lucky to have a shower. I told her any time she wanted a shower, just bring an extra set of clothes and take one. I know she would really enjoy it. She won't do it. Her church believes that if you don't belong to her religion, you will go to Hell. She preaches to me all the time even though I have told her I would appreciate it if she wouldn't. I have my own beliefs and they are not the same as hers. My God would not exclude someone who didn't belong to a certain church.

My two children will not visit their grandmother. Neither of them have anything good to say about her and I cannot force them to go into her room and say hello. She hurt them as much as she deliberately hurt me and my husband thinks she gave them everything. A hug with a knife in your back sure hurts.

She's out of the hospital since last Thursday and true to form, waking me up once or twice during the night to go to the potty. It's making an old woman out of me and I'm only 67. She's 92 and goes "whew" almost every breath, and almost every breath is blown in my face. I have to be near her when I'm getting her on and off the potty and serving her meals and changing her Depends and sheets and blankets and I hate getting breaths blown in my face and she says "Yeah" a hundred times a day. What's that about??? Yeah because I pulled a blanket up around her so she would be warm. Yeah because she sat down on the potty, when she got up off it, when I pulled her Depends up, When I gave her a new cup of ice water. I swear, if I could get away with telling her to buzz off, I might feel better, but I'm not exactly sure when she might be in her demented state or out of it. She says "Huh" no matter what I say and I have to repeat myself. I know darned good and well she heard me the first time. I know I'm in a situation I can't get out of until she dies. I just don't know when that will be and it seems like it will be a long, long time from now because we are doing such a wonderful job of taking care of her.

I had to stop driving when I was 48 because of my seizures. She drove until she was 90. I hated that. I get a great deal of pleasure, though, everytime I pass her bedroom door and see her laying there flat on her back, unable to even stand up on her own. We don't put her in a wheelchair and bring her into our livingroom or out on the deck or to eat at the dining room table. She might need the potty and we would never get her back to it in time and we just can't take the potty with her everywhere we take her. Even though I can't drive, she can't stand up. Payback is Hell.

Did I say how sick I am of draining the urinary pouch and carrying the dirty potty out of the bedroom to the bathroom to empty it and wash it out? I know I'm not the only one who does this. But I'm the only one of me that has done it. People in my family tell me I've earned a place in Heaven for taking care of her. I don't think that's a guarantee.

My daughter was venting about her own MIL the other day and I tried venting about MIL to her and she had the nerve to say to me "I don't have the time for that and I don't want to hear any of it anyway. She means nothing to me so don't talk about it." That's why I am here today. When my own family doesn't seem to care, where do I go?


funnier..........this is as good a place as any to come and vent and get all of your frustrations out. And yes, your situation sounds too familiar, there are many here who live in the same circumstances, and yes, it won't last forever. Your mil will die, probably sooner than you think even with excellent care, and your situation will hopefully change. I just hope you don't start to fail with your health first. I hope you are able to find something to make your days a little brighter.
funnierthanme: Vent away. I thought my mother was dying when she came to live with me almost two years ago. With my care, she has rallied. And, narcisist that she is, she feels no appreciation whatsoever. I won't even go into how much of my future she has cost me. But I am making other choices. Yes, I am only1of3 (siblings) and she is my responsibility by default. I will see that she is cared for, but no longer at my expense. By the end of the month, she will be in independent living. If she can't handle it, she goes to skilled nursing (nursing home). She has sucked the life and spirit out of me for almost 64 years. It stops now. So, that is my vent and solution, but I will not tell you what to do. Your situation is yours. But it does feel better to vent, doesn't it, so vent away before you explode. What a lovely pressure cap is this site!
You come here! you will NOT be judged for anything you say or feel. We ALL have to have a private place to vent or lose our minds. IT WILL BE OK....if you have not already done so speak to your doctor about the stress you are under. Mine gave me low dose anxiety medicine that allows me to breathe a little easier. We have to think of them as bratty children and its hard when they are using grown up stabs and insults. You have to take care of YOU too. (((((Hugs))))
What about a professional, a therapist, perhaps one that specializes in caregiver situations, actually I would like to find one for myself, I don't want to start taking my frustrations out on my husband. Although, unlike unlucky you, I have my family to talk to and his children are there if I need them. Guess I should beef too loudly. You need to take care of yourself, or there won't be anyone there to take care of them. Who is DH?
I meant "should NOT beef too loudly"
Hi Funnierthanme,

You are so right, it is difficult facing all the awful issues surrounding, and that are part of, care giving. Some in our lives make us feel honored to do what we can in an attempt to make their last days pleasant and, even then, it is difficult and your patience will be tested to the max. Then there are others who have not been the nicest to us through the years; they are the ones who try every ounce of our endurance, tolerance, patience and fortitude not to be neglectful and have horrible thoughts we don’t like ourselves for thinking. I have had both myself. I have health issues directly related to the 17 years devoted to caring for parents and we are not done yet as we currently care for my FIL. It is the most difficult physical, psychological and financially draining thing I have done in my 63 years. So many days I want it all to end so my husband and I can have a few years of enjoying our life together. I am so afraid, before it all ends, we will be in the same boat all the ones we have lost our lives caring for have been.

The whole situation sucks for everyone involved. We are exhausted and all too often resentful of our lives being drained to the max, plus, those we care for are also sad, lost, resentful and confused to have, not only their lives taken from them, but their minds as well. It definitely takes its toll on everyone. There are days I think it has caused my husband and I to hate one another due to the strain it puts on our relationship.

You requested we do not advise you and I will respectfully refrain from offering any suggestions. You are correct, sometimes, all we need to keep us from doing great bodily harm to those in situations we must endure is to vent, and SCREAM, and throw the china and run away. Writing what we feel, because we can not physically do what we want, is the best option and that is why we are here. To give you a place to do just that without being judged, criticized or told what you should do. You are doing the very best you can and that is all any of us are capable of. I have to say you might want to read some of the other threads here because, personally, I have found many of them extremely helpful and the suggestions opened doors I know I may not have thought about, shedding a new and oft times helpful light to my thoughts.

Please feel free to vent, and vent and vent and vent to your hearts content and know we will be here to listen and understand, neither judging nor offering unsolicited advice. All too often, I feel like I am at my wits end and can’t take one more nano-second of this insanity. I have to remind myself this too shall pass and it is only temporary, even if it seems like an eternity. I remind myself of that a million times a day when the seconds seem like years and minutes are an eternity. Wishing you peace.
...only 1 of 3.... 64 years???? Holy Moly!!! WOW!!
?? Funnierthenme... Rant and vent away! Man do I ever know where you are coming from. I will say, that from where I sit, you are having a harder daily routine then I....but I can also say that burnt is burnt... One more diaper, bedside commode cleaning, one more repeated saying and sometimes one more anything is enough! I will go on my own experience... When I sit and just don't know how to do one more thing, I am numb, empty and feel so alone. At this point in my daily life I challenge myself to just know that I am not alone and that I "have to" keep going! When the day is over and I hope I am allowed to sleep through the night, I lay there and wish things were so different...but as horrible and tired of this life I am... I am grateful to have had one more day with my daughter. Then I hope and pray that tomorrow will be sustainable and that I will carry on as best as I can!
This is where I am right now... So caregiver families all over...unite in the knowledge that we deffinatelly understand and empathize with any and all you are going through! Blessings to you all!
Bless your heart. Pray, talk to God, and vent here. I know hard it is to not have anyone to vent to, because you feel you will be judged.
Take care of yourself that is the most important thing, you have a long time to live, she doesn't (hopefully).
Thank you all for that. Jad711, thanks so much for the needed hug.

Even my Grandson needs to vent sometimes. He's only 9 years old and he says he hates her now. I can't go to his sports activities. I hear that he's the best hitter on his ball team. He's the sweeper on the soccer team, and I can go to see him play the games coming up. She's temporarily in a nursing home because I hurt my back but my husband wants to bring her home before the 28 days Medicare pays for expire. He doesn't want her to die in a nursing home. I do.

I don't want to hande that stinking potty anymore. I want to throw it on her. I know I won't, but back in my mind I can see myself doing it. When I have seizures, I have no idea what I do. What if I would hurt her during a seizure. I haven't hurt her during one in 30 months, but there is still that infinite possibility.

I am enjoying the 28 days reprieve I have right now, but I'm expecting him to come home each night and tell me he is bringing her home the next day.

She has been having black bowel movements for over two weeks now. I know she has bleeding in her digestive tract somewhere. I know I can't treat that. When I told my husband she needed to be in a hospital, he said he wasn't sending her to a hospital. He said he would only make her as comfortable as we can at home and just let her pass here at home.

When he brings her home, how do I handle that??? That's what I need advice for now.
Funnierthanme, I just cannot imagine what you are going through, and I don't understand why your husband doesn't see how upset you are and how your girls and grandson feel. All I can tell you is to take the 28 days, rest as much as possible and maybe the nursing home will send her to the hospital for the bowel movements. I don't think it's fair for him to think that you should have to bear this burden and take her abuse. The only thing I can tell you, is to keep complaining about your back, and that you just can't care for her, because of the pain. And tell that caregiver you really don't care about her burnout that she is there to take care of her and is being paid, you are not!
God Bless you sweetie, I will keep you in my prayers, and hope everything works out for you. Maybe she will die before she comes home, I will also pray for that.
Take care,
JAD711 (Judy)

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