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freqflyer's talk about her parents not helping with their own parents is true for many of us. My parents didn't have anything to do with their own parents' care. My father didn't expect anything from me, but my mother feels I owe it to her.

I've only known three women who had family caregivers. Two of these are my mother and my aunt. My cousin took care of my aunt for 15 years and was over 70 when my aunt died. My cousin was broke and her life destroyed. She loved her mother, but to me it looked like the mother consumed her and left her with nothing. My mother is doing the same thing to me. She has no consideration for me at all. If I don't fend for myself, I'll end up like my cousin.

Why many of their generation feel entitled to use their children, I don't know. Most people I know don't. Most people I know live independently or in assisted living. I think family caregiving is fine under many circumstances, but not when it is going to harm the caregiver. When I think of my cousin and aunt, all I can say is shame on my aunt for doing that to her daughter. My cousin tried to place her once when it got bad, but my aunt guilted her into taking her home. Guess I better stop thinking of it. I get mad at this helpless situation.
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Well, I'm off to go see Mother - hope there's no loose pillows in the room - JUST KIDDING! Actually I'm making hubby come along so I've got an excuse not to stay too long. But, yea freqflyer- my mom actually put her own mother in a nursing home - but when I had to place her she disowned me more than once saying I'd lost the right to caller "mother"! My mother retired early, traveled the world and did exactly as she pleased but I was suspose to move mom in with my family and stay home taking care of her. Negitive thoughts? H3ll yes!!!
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I don't know how any of you last years without help....I lasted three weeks and knew I was going to need chemical help. Got a prescription from the doctor and I think it's helping my anxiety and panic that developed after taking care of my mom 24/7 for three weeks. Saw a relative yesterday who knows everything going on, and she asked me why I wasn't my usual chipper self? I blamed it on the Meds (which it might be) but really, why would she even expect me to be my usual self?

Be practical, get some help...you deserve it, sooboo
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SooBoo................what you wrote is what I feel. I type, and I have goosebumps all over...................My mom loves me TOO much, and asked me the same thing: "Should you go and get some meds for the change?"..............I have a nifty hormone patch since big "H", aka 1999...........so, it is not the change.............I feel myself boiling inside and this SELF CONTROL is wearing very thin..........very...............

I have my appointment with therapist for first time next thursday.............

I DO NOT..............i repeat ...............I DO NOT want to / need to / wish to / have a MELT DOWN of any sort.

I take Klonopin already
I take Cymbalta already
I take Nortriptyline already

And I am 'somewhat' back to being 'myself'.................

Empathy..............definition................I FEEL YOUR PAIN IN MY HEART.

M 8 8

I do caregive 24/7
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Oh I get those negative feelings, too. I use to be a happy go lucky type of gal until I got the triptik for this elderly journey with my parents.

Whoa, hey I am not trained for any of this. In fact, if I went to an Agency to be hired as a caregiver I wouldn't get a second interview.

I even asked my parents if they called an Agency and the Agency said they had a person who could come out but that person hated to cook, disliked housework, gets panic attacks when driving, wouldn't be able to pick you up if your fell, plus that person is pushing 70 years old.... would they accept that person? Their answer "of course not". Well, that person would have been me.

I have been so resentful of this whole journey. My parents never took care of their own parents so they had no clue how difficult that was going to be for me, only child with no children, and a sig other who is the master of excuses when it comes to helping.

I had a mini breakdown last weekend... I am literally shaking while I type this. Thank goodness I can get a full night sleep now that my Dad is in a senior living facility [Mom passed a few months ago] and my parents house is For Sale... I still have to finish cleaning out the house of 72+ years of stuff. It's just plain exhaustion. My parents should have done this years ago.
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Agreement here! A nice three month prescription of klonopin got me through a particularly rough spot - that and laughing! I'm happy you got a chuckle from my psycho moment. Just keep picturing me in an Anthony Perkins voice saying "Oh, mother"!
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Please do what babaloo said - it is against my nature too and I suffered complete mental breakdowns (nutters in the corner)
I lost my mind doing it alone for my mother and soon the anger I felt inside started to come out= first it was me just muttering I wished she would die, then I began thinking of ways to push her down the stairs or kill myself.
Forget those people you think will rescue you.
Please do what I did and pick up the phone. ((GIANT HUG)))!!!
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Rainmom....you gave me a good chuckle! Laughter really is the best medicine! ;)

Thank you to everyone who responded. I really am over tired and borderline depressed, but I know if I could just rest a bit and get out more I could make it. I'm going to take your advice and see about getting some help in the home and see my gp. Mom is ambulatory when she's well and so far at 88 she has her mind (which she expresses freely and is hard to handle....I'm blessed she's a sweetheart ) I've just been thinking about what in the world would happen if I died. I'm fairly young, not yet 50, but I feel much older.

JesseBelle....I'm so glad God is merciful and he knows our true heart. He doesn't condemn us for thoughts that pop in our minds, but you and I both know we condemn ourselves. I'm learning that I can't always have my way, just like when raising my children, I had to give up some of my wants to meet theirs. It's basically the same and our flesh doesn't want to. It's hard not to be bitter at siblings when they ignore their responsibility. I know that I have to forgive him daily or I'll be eat up with anger and that's no good for me. There is a balance to cargiving and I'm aiming to find it. Bless you all for encouraging me.
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And of course while you are humane - obviously I meant "human" not "humane" in my post.
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Sooboo, JessieBelle and the others who are caring for your elderly loved ones at home: You are amazing. Amazing, yet still humane so please give yourself a break! A while back I was visiting my mom at her nursing home, mom was asleep in her bed. After I spent some time tidying up her room I sat down and was watching her sleep. Even though we've always had a roller coaster relationship and the past few years have been very difficult- I know that I still love my mother. As I watched her sleep I began to think about how active she use to be but how empty her life had become. Out of nowhere I got the urge to put a pillow over her face! I can't believe I'm admitting to this! I'd never in a million years actually do something like that - and where the thought came from is beyond me. I horrified myself. The guilt for that 3 seconds will undoubtably last me the rest of my life. My point is - we are all just humane with frailties and flaws. Ordinary people doing extraordinary things and under extraordinary stress - especially you Angels that do this 24/7! Cut yourself some slack, okay?
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I related to your comment about feeling "much against my nature." For me, that describes when I knew I needed some therapy. Nobody is entirely without negative feelings -- that is just part of human nature, I think. But each of us knows when the feelings are beyond our normal coping mechanisms. I know that some people call anti-depressants "happy pills" but they are not. They are really "me" pills -- they can help restore our "true" baseline personality when our body chemicals are all out of whack.

Medication can help you cope as the real you and not a frazled facsimile of yourself.

Talk therapy can also help you deal with the practical day-to-day stresses and decision-making you face.

The situation you are in is untenable. Some changes are needed. You are trying to do the impossible and wondering why that isn't working well for you.

1) Get medical help for your own medical problem. (I suspect depression, but obviously you need a qualified diaganosis!)
2) Get practical help for the extremely challenging job you've taken on.
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No one person should be caring for an elderly person who needs 24/7 supervision. Get your mom qualified for Medicaid if need be and get some caregivers in.

If she is anxious and easily agitated she needs to be seen by geriatric psychiatrist. Medication will help tremendously.

Where would your mother be if you died?
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I hear what your saying..
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sooboo, people tell me often that I will be richly rewarded in heaven. But I know the thoughts that are in my mind. I get angry and scared and inconvenienced and selfish -- all these bad things. It makes me feel like I'm such a bad person and I'm doomed to be tossed into the lake of fire, instead. Like you, I try to hide my feelings, but sometimes they come through... particularly the angry feelings when I've had enough.

I don't really think we're bad. I think we're just under extraordinary stress. We are our parents' lifeline and they can cling to us. It would be so much easier if someone would help. I think of how helpful it would be if siblings just called once or twice a week to talk. Spending a few minutes talking to them makes so much difference and would lift a lot of weight off the caregivers' shoulders. It is too much for one person to go through with no family help.
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