I have so many negative feelings that are against my nature. I feel so guilty.
I feel selfish, greedy, whiney....you name it...I feel it. The thoughts that run through my head are awful. How could I feel this way about caring for my own momma? She has lived with me since my dad passed which will be 5 years this October. Things were manageable until this last round of being sick. I about had a breakdown. My sibling is as good as non existent. I was left with caring for my dad until he died, now I'm caring for mom without one minute of support or one dime of help. Anyway, I know anger is behind alot of how I feel. No anger that I have to caregive, but anger I am doing it alone. I miss time with my husband, I miss working outside, I miss play dates with my grandkids, I miss grocery shopping (I'm very grateful for Walmart and their online grocery order and pickup..it's saved me). I'm struggling. I love my mom with all of my heart, I would do anything in the world for her and I feel I am. I'm just tired and tear up easy. I feel so guilty over how I feel. She asked me if I was through the change yet. :>( Bless her heart she's just trying to understand why I am so sad. What was I going to say? How I really feel? I won't do that. I just tell her I'm tired and need a nap (which I seldom get). She's been so easy to get along with in the past, but we are dealing with fear of dying now, she denies it but I can tell. She is obsessed with her health care and wants me to nurse her like I'm a private nurse. Some days I just don't know what to do but pray for strength and wisdom. I feel guilty about hiring a sitter.....you can't trust just anyone. She is so easily frightened which worsens her anxiety level, which puts her down for days. I don't guess I really know what i'm asking other than how to deal with all of these negative feelings. I fear too and my main fear is regrets. I don't want any regrets, but I'm quickly realizing it's impossible because you will feel bad about your negative feelings if nothing else....even if you never voiced them.