I have so many negative feelings that are against my nature. I feel so guilty.

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I feel selfish, greedy, whiney....you name it...I feel it. The thoughts that run through my head are awful. How could I feel this way about caring for my own momma? She has lived with me since my dad passed which will be 5 years this October. Things were manageable until this last round of being sick. I about had a breakdown. My sibling is as good as non existent. I was left with caring for my dad until he died, now I'm caring for mom without one minute of support or one dime of help. Anyway, I know anger is behind alot of how I feel. No anger that I have to caregive, but anger I am doing it alone. I miss time with my husband, I miss working outside, I miss play dates with my grandkids, I miss grocery shopping (I'm very grateful for Walmart and their online grocery order and pickup..it's saved me). I'm struggling. I love my mom with all of my heart, I would do anything in the world for her and I feel I am. I'm just tired and tear up easy. I feel so guilty over how I feel. She asked me if I was through the change yet. :>( Bless her heart she's just trying to understand why I am so sad. What was I going to say? How I really feel? I won't do that. I just tell her I'm tired and need a nap (which I seldom get). She's been so easy to get along with in the past, but we are dealing with fear of dying now, she denies it but I can tell. She is obsessed with her health care and wants me to nurse her like I'm a private nurse. Some days I just don't know what to do but pray for strength and wisdom. I feel guilty about hiring a sitter.....you can't trust just anyone. She is so easily frightened which worsens her anxiety level, which puts her down for days. I don't guess I really know what i'm asking other than how to deal with all of these negative feelings. I fear too and my main fear is regrets. I don't want any regrets, but I'm quickly realizing it's impossible because you will feel bad about your negative feelings if nothing else....even if you never voiced them.


sooboo, people tell me often that I will be richly rewarded in heaven. But I know the thoughts that are in my mind. I get angry and scared and inconvenienced and selfish -- all these bad things. It makes me feel like I'm such a bad person and I'm doomed to be tossed into the lake of fire, instead. Like you, I try to hide my feelings, but sometimes they come through... particularly the angry feelings when I've had enough.

I don't really think we're bad. I think we're just under extraordinary stress. We are our parents' lifeline and they can cling to us. It would be so much easier if someone would help. I think of how helpful it would be if siblings just called once or twice a week to talk. Spending a few minutes talking to them makes so much difference and would lift a lot of weight off the caregivers' shoulders. It is too much for one person to go through with no family help.
I hear what your saying..
No one person should be caring for an elderly person who needs 24/7 supervision. Get your mom qualified for Medicaid if need be and get some caregivers in.

If she is anxious and easily agitated she needs to be seen by geriatric psychiatrist. Medication will help tremendously.

Where would your mother be if you died?
I related to your comment about feeling "much against my nature." For me, that describes when I knew I needed some therapy. Nobody is entirely without negative feelings -- that is just part of human nature, I think. But each of us knows when the feelings are beyond our normal coping mechanisms. I know that some people call anti-depressants "happy pills" but they are not. They are really "me" pills -- they can help restore our "true" baseline personality when our body chemicals are all out of whack.

Medication can help you cope as the real you and not a frazled facsimile of yourself.

Talk therapy can also help you deal with the practical day-to-day stresses and decision-making you face.

The situation you are in is untenable. Some changes are needed. You are trying to do the impossible and wondering why that isn't working well for you.

1) Get medical help for your own medical problem. (I suspect depression, but obviously you need a qualified diaganosis!)
2) Get practical help for the extremely challenging job you've taken on.
Sooboo, JessieBelle and the others who are caring for your elderly loved ones at home: You are amazing. Amazing, yet still humane so please give yourself a break! A while back I was visiting my mom at her nursing home, mom was asleep in her bed. After I spent some time tidying up her room I sat down and was watching her sleep. Even though we've always had a roller coaster relationship and the past few years have been very difficult- I know that I still love my mother. As I watched her sleep I began to think about how active she use to be but how empty her life had become. Out of nowhere I got the urge to put a pillow over her face! I can't believe I'm admitting to this! I'd never in a million years actually do something like that - and where the thought came from is beyond me. I horrified myself. The guilt for that 3 seconds will undoubtably last me the rest of my life. My point is - we are all just humane with frailties and flaws. Ordinary people doing extraordinary things and under extraordinary stress - especially you Angels that do this 24/7! Cut yourself some slack, okay?
And of course while you are humane - obviously I meant "human" not "humane" in my post.
Rainmom....you gave me a good chuckle! Laughter really is the best medicine! ;)

Thank you to everyone who responded. I really am over tired and borderline depressed, but I know if I could just rest a bit and get out more I could make it. I'm going to take your advice and see about getting some help in the home and see my gp. Mom is ambulatory when she's well and so far at 88 she has her mind (which she expresses freely and is hard to handle....I'm blessed she's a sweetheart ) I've just been thinking about what in the world would happen if I died. I'm fairly young, not yet 50, but I feel much older.

JesseBelle....I'm so glad God is merciful and he knows our true heart. He doesn't condemn us for thoughts that pop in our minds, but you and I both know we condemn ourselves. I'm learning that I can't always have my way, just like when raising my children, I had to give up some of my wants to meet theirs. It's basically the same and our flesh doesn't want to. It's hard not to be bitter at siblings when they ignore their responsibility. I know that I have to forgive him daily or I'll be eat up with anger and that's no good for me. There is a balance to cargiving and I'm aiming to find it. Bless you all for encouraging me.
Please do what babaloo said - it is against my nature too and I suffered complete mental breakdowns (nutters in the corner)
I lost my mind doing it alone for my mother and soon the anger I felt inside started to come out= first it was me just muttering I wished she would die, then I began thinking of ways to push her down the stairs or kill myself.
Forget those people you think will rescue you.
Please do what I did and pick up the phone. ((GIANT HUG)))!!!
Agreement here! A nice three month prescription of klonopin got me through a particularly rough spot - that and laughing! I'm happy you got a chuckle from my psycho moment. Just keep picturing me in an Anthony Perkins voice saying "Oh, mother"!
Oh I get those negative feelings, too. I use to be a happy go lucky type of gal until I got the triptik for this elderly journey with my parents.

Whoa, hey I am not trained for any of this. In fact, if I went to an Agency to be hired as a caregiver I wouldn't get a second interview.

I even asked my parents if they called an Agency and the Agency said they had a person who could come out but that person hated to cook, disliked housework, gets panic attacks when driving, wouldn't be able to pick you up if your fell, plus that person is pushing 70 years old.... would they accept that person? Their answer "of course not". Well, that person would have been me.

I have been so resentful of this whole journey. My parents never took care of their own parents so they had no clue how difficult that was going to be for me, only child with no children, and a sig other who is the master of excuses when it comes to helping.

I had a mini breakdown last weekend... I am literally shaking while I type this. Thank goodness I can get a full night sleep now that my Dad is in a senior living facility [Mom passed a few months ago] and my parents house is For Sale... I still have to finish cleaning out the house of 72+ years of stuff. It's just plain exhaustion. My parents should have done this years ago.

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