I really need to vent, I hate taking care of my grandmother.

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i just dont even know where to start.. I hate my grandmother for every thing she has put me 41yo and my mom 63yo and my girls 18yo and 20yo through. Our lifes have been stolen from us.. grandma is very controlling and manipulating and hatful and a drama queen has been all her life .. the last 7 years we have been caring for grandma mom works and i am home all the time with grandma and my girls. there have been a lot of times i have wanted to just walk out but i cant leave my mom that way... mom and i were very close at one time but i feel that is changing i am starting to place blame on mom ...because i feel she is not listening to my wants and needs... my girls are behind in life because i cant get out to take them to do the things they need to do like get a Drivers License... my oldest is graduating in May. she finshed school online because they were being picked on at school. so we have to go 4 hours away for her to walk and get her deploma ... but mom will not be able to go because my grandmothers other children refuse to help with her and cant be trusted.. my husband died in 1997 so it has been me and mom raising the girls and it is important for her to be there.. this really pisses me off... i feel my kids are starting to hate me because i cant get us out of this situation.. the house we live in is mineits all i have .. i cant work for caring for grandma so if i walk i walk with nothing and i cant do that to my kids ...grandma is very nasty she does nasty things like dig her self out because she has abused Laxatives all her life now she cant go to the pot on her own .. then she touches the sink handles and leaves it for us to clean up .. grandma just turned 91 ... she says she is not able to do things but then we catch her doing them when she thinks no one is looking ... she will walk right past the bathroom to her room and use the potty chair in her room then take it to the bathroom to empty does that make scens.the potty chai was bought for her to use at night . she refuses to use her walker.. she lays in bed all day and night picking her teeth she says she has hair growing in her mouth.. last night after mom worked all day grandma wanted mom to go dig out her old vcr... out of the shed to hook it up to see if it still worked... mom told her that she had worked all day and she was tiered and it could wait... grandma said you never think any thing i want in inportant... mind you we do every thing for grandma give her a bath ( every thing ) feed her and some time if she does not like what we have made we have to make somthing else for her.. i feel my life has been stolen away and all i want is my life back...i cant even go out in the yard... i am so sick of feeling imprisoned .. my mom has a brother and a sister who refuse to do any thing to help .. they just cause more trouble for us ... my uncle is my grandmothers god child .. she treats him like a god and my mom is the dog crap every one gets to walk on and that pisses me off ...i dont know how much more i can take i try to bite my toung but it is getting harder and harder i grew up with out my family around it was always me mom and grandma .grandma and i have never really got along because of how she is . we moved to MI to be close to family but i dont want a darn thing to do with them they have showed me just who they are in the past 7 years.. i am full of hate and i dont like feeling this way but every day brings more hate...the last 2 nights i have caught my grandmother masterbating and all i can think is if she has the stringth to do that she can do more for her self .. let alone thats not somthing my girls should have to see my grandmother doing.. i feel lost and alone dont have any one to talk to about it. i could talk to mom but i dont want to hurt her because what i feel is twords her mom.. my oldest daughter hates my grandmother she has told her she hates her .. my youngest just holds it all in she talks to me some times and she hates grandma to.. some times the things that run through my mind scare me i am not that person and i love my kids to much.. our situation is very toxic ...i just wish jesus would take her... does that sound selfish ... i dont even know if i should post this some one will think bad of me... i really hate how my life is right now... i want to go shoping with my mom and girls again.. i want to go camping with them...i want to go out in the yard and sit around the fire.. i want to go see a movie with them.. i want to be able to be a normal mom to my girls again.. i want to laugh again.. signed lost and alone and tiered

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Starting from he philosophical to the practical.
1. You hate granny. No judgement. Frankly, very understandable from what you have described. Caregiving is very difficult, it can only be done WELL as a labor of love, or as a chosen profession. Although you may be a beautiful soul, given that you hate granny, I cannot imagine that negativity is not reflected, it is only natural. Sounds like she will be miserable anywhere, may as well be elsewhere.

2. You are trapped. You state the house is yours, but your do not work and have 4 generations. So, likely your funds are co-mingled. I have not idea if you have a personal income, but if the only income is your mom and she is 63, she needs to be retiring soon.

3. Granny needs to go to a home, anyone who is impacted daily requires medical care. It is YOUR house, so you need to be the heavy and make the arrangements as your mother will not. If your mother prefers, she can leave with mom and care for her herself, but dollars to doughnuts, she will not go for that.

4. Unless you have an income, you need to get a job ASAP. Granny's assets and retirement income leave with her to support her at an NH or elsewhere, mom's income may leave with granny, and may decrease to retirement levels in the near future.

I can honestly state that I would not care for nor live with anyone whom I hate. As an adult I would also not allow myself to become dependent on someone I do not respect, much less someone I hate.

Make a plan, start by looking for a job, and execute the plan, otherwise you will continue to be the victim of your own life.

It really sounds like you have had a very rough life, I am sorry for that and for the loss of your child. I hope you find the strength to pull yourself up and reach for personal happiness.
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Ashlynne
every thing you have said about my grandmother is right on spot.. i just did not want to sound like i was a evil person. i have tryed to talk to people about it all and i get told i am wrong for feeling that way i do. i have tryed to stand behind my mom to help her and not hurt her because mom is blind to grandmas games.. my mom is truly going to need some major help when grandma goes.. that hurts me so bad i love my mom with every breath i take. but i will not be caring for her when she gets older. i will never be put in this same place again. i will run first ...just a little taste of grandma back inn 1999 me and my girls and my oldest son were in a car wreck. we were all life flighted to the hospital. i amost died my youngest had a riped liver and broken leg.. my oldest daughter was mently hurt from see it all ..my son he passed away but lived for a week and in that week my boyfriend come to stay with us near the hospital 4 hours away from were we lived. i needed him there i could not carry the girls.. when he showed up there grandma told me she had a little boy dieing acrossed the road and that all i thought about was f***ing... her exact words to me.. i have hated her from that time... that was the last thing on my mind ...my sons funeral was turned in to a drama show ... thank you guys for talking to me its hard keeping it all in side
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I have learned oh so much these last 2 years with my inlaws...just convinced my husband within the last 2 weeks that it is past time for his 74 yr. quadriplegic mother to go into a nursing facility. And the thing is, it is what's best for her..I found a wonderful place! But she is pitching a fit right now..but 'Ive said that to say this..it is best for grandma, it's not being mean to her, as long as she still has the family visit her. And it sounds like grandma has learned to manipulate with her words..and you will just have to say, Grandma, we love you, and we need to do what's best for you, and what's healthly for us. and don't let her actions or words manipulate your emotions or mind. When is one life more important that another? It's not..you, your mom, and your daughters have a right to have a life, the same as grandma. Take time, do research, find a good loving place, put grandma there, love her, visit her, and live your life..guilt free.
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Forget the guilt trip. She's "going to run away" - run??? you're kidding me and where would she think of running to? If she takes off from assisted living or a nursing home the cops will find her, take her back and she'll be put in lock down. Nursing homes here in Canada always have locked outer doors. Kill herself? Well, it's a free country. "Die faster", Oh puhlease - the evil ones seem to hang on just to make everyone around them miserable. If she doesn't like what you cook you make her something else? Again, you're kidding me right? Stop pandering to her!

Your grandma is a demanding, demeaning, manipulative bully and most probably a narcissist to boot. She needs to be in a NH asap. Please have a long talk with your mom and together get in touch with social agencies in your area to see what your options may be. You can't allow this to go on a minute longer as once your daughters turn 18 they will likely move away, though they may never recover from the psychological damage living in this toxic situation has caused them.

No, you're not selfish at all. My mother was like your grandma life long. She never lifted a manicured finger to help her parents when they were old and frail, even though she lived around the corner, didn't work and had a fancy car. It was too much trouble - she was too busy shopping, getting her hair done, playing with her dogs and planning exotic vacations - yet she bullied and manipulated me into giving up my home and career to move 200km to care for her for four h***ish years.

In a nursing home for the past 18 months she has no friends, having driven the few she had away over the years, refuses to attempt to get to know anyone in the NH or join in activities and stays mostly in bed in her room with the door closed. I and the NH admin had a long chat with her to persuade her to get out to know people and join in but it was all met with excuses and refusal. She wants to lie in her room and wait to die? Her choice. Can't force anyone.

After going into the NH she continued to make my life a misery, running me ragged on errands for supposed "wants" which, when received she didn't want any more, and screaming tantrum phone calls every day.

It eventually made me ill and my hair was falling out. I changed my phone number, ensure her bills are paid and she has all she needs, but visit infrequently. To me what I do and have done is merely a duty. I have no feeling for her whatsoever and never did.

Close to 65 I'm having to rebuild my life from scratch all over again but what years I my have left on this earth are mine. Now living out in the country in a tiny dilapidated house on 2 acres with my beloved dogs I'm starting to recover, though I still feel weak and sleep a lot. My life stopped five years ago and I lost the modest world I'd worked so hard to build. I plan to grow a garden and do some volunteer work locally. The road to recovery, as I call it, is a long one, but we do what we must do and, in the end, we mostly have no choice before toxic people put us in an early grave.

Please keep us updated. Most everyone here has been and/or is going through the wringer and we do so understand.
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i keep telling mom that grandma needs to be in a home.. but grandma puts mom on a guilt trip with if you put me in a home i will run away i will kill my self i will die faster its on and on and on.. my mom has been manipulated all her life with grandmas crap its no longer funny . i have talked to mom about it but in the end its up to mom to do that i cant make her .. i wish i could because grandma would have been gone 5 years ago.. mom is in charge of every thing with grandma but the caring for her is layed on me
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Grandma really should be in a nursing home, so look into getting that done. Talk to her social worker about the deteriorating relationship she has at home. You are caught in a rut and the first thing to do is get relief from the excess burden. Four generations is too much to carry.
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