I want to scream! Having hard time as Mom's executor.

Started by

I have told my husband how hard it is for me having an a disorder and have to go through all the stuff as moms executor. Plus the complications cause of moms choices before she died and my brother. The only response I get is. Your. doing a. good job. Everything has complications. Or uh huh when I say how hard this is. And he says it in a normal conversational voice. Like, it's no big deal. The only time he sounds emotional is when he tells me I'm doing a good job.


Sounds like he's trying to avoid an argument..
I agree with assandache.

I think you may be playing a bit of a game with him...you obviously want something from him yet all you are doing is complaining about a situation that he has no control over. What exactly is it that you are looking for from him? Do you want him to help you with the work you have to do? If so, why don't you directly tell him that. He can't read your mind...and obviously doesn't want to get yelled at for not knowing exactly what you need. Just tell him...I guarantee he will be more receptive if you lay out exactly what you need.

I don't think so. And I have generalized anxiety disorder. Maybe cause he had a hard time growing up and at college. He thinks you just do what you have to do. Thats life. But he has no idea what it feels l like to be anxious at the smallest thing. And have to cope with the difficulties and frustrations of this on top of normal life.
As Angelkw said, just spell it out.. Tell him exactly what you need from him...
I honestly don't see the problem and if there is one wouldn't it be better addressed on a site that either focuses on relationships or anxiety disorders?
Being an executor to an estate is a nightmare. I did it two years ago and still dealing with the emotional side of it. I will never again agree to being a DPOA or Executor for someone.
Hadnuff, executing a will is irritating more than anything else. I executed my father's will for my mother, since she was really not able. Something I liked was how willing people were to help. The banks and retirement plan people were so helpful and pleasant. Things actually went very smoothly. Getting the death certificates and EIN were simple. Probating the house was simple. I was surprised to see how easy each step was, since there were people in place to help. Still, it was all irritating and had to be taken one step at a time.
Barbara, you've posted a number of posts on the various challenges of being an Executrix. It's challenging enough, but your brother's attitude and lack of cooperation add another level of complication, as does having a generalized anxiety disorder. And you expect support from your husband, but it's not what he's providing.

I can't pretend to know what this is like. But I can tell you that anxiety can either creep in like an early snowfall, or it can hit like a hurricane. Either way, you need to be prepared to accept that efficiency and resolution aren't necessarily going to happen quickly. And deal with that rather than hoping that actions by others, over which you have no control, will change. They won't. Fact of life; accept that and move forward.

Your husband isn't sympathetic, or doesn't want to get involved. Okay, that's a given. Recognize it, don't expect any sympathy from him b'c it's not going to happen. Work around it, as you would a roadblock.

Your brother seems to be accustomed to getting his way. That won't change either. Work around this roadblock as well.

What's left that you can control? Yourself, your actions, your anxiety (by addressing the situations that complicate it and finding remedial action.

I'm no expert on anxiety but I know from experience that stress aggravates it. Having to make multiple decisions which are unique to the situation aggravates it. Not getting family support (husband) or resistance and lack of cooperation (brother) aggravates it.

Anxiety can paralyze you - your thinking processes, your ability to plan and carry out tasks. I think you're caught up in this maelstrom right now and need to find an escape before you have a meltdown.

It's like the "Perfect Storm" of trying to manage someone's estate.

I know Babalou has made excellent recommendations on other posts. Have you followed up? If not, is there a reason why not? That's not a criticism, just a method of trying to help you step back and analyze the situation to find a clear path forward.

I don't know if you've done this, but I would make a list of everything you know thus far that has to be done; list the activities, the necessary contacts, and the priorities. That's your working schedule and guideline. Do a few things each day. When you start to get stressed, stop and switch to relaxing tasks.

Plan to meet friends, go for walks, work in your garden, whatever, but make sure you have some down time planned and reserved when you get stressed.

And don't expect that your husband is going to support you; move past that b/c it's not going to change.

Right now I get the impression that you're not getting any down time at all and this whole situation is literally stressing you to the max.

I would also suggest you consider minimum amounts of down time in which you can listen to music, draw, read, walk, cook, bake, do nothing, or do whatever you enjoy doing as long as it relaxes you. And don't back down on this!

And when you're feeling better, schedule a meeting with your attorney, go over the tasks and ask which ones his/her paralegal can help you with. There's no shame in asking for that help; they've probably done this more times than you have and can do it more quickly.

Learn to accept that they're there to help you. And find ways to help yourself. Others have offered a lot of sympathy and suggestions, but the situation doesn't seem to be changing.

This essentially the same thing you posted on June 1, isn't it? It is OK to vent over and over again. We get it. Go ahead and scream.

Your husband's attitude about hard things is just do them. He is praising you for how well you are doing it. This hasn't changed since June 1, and probably not since you married him. It is what it is. You wish he wasn't that way. I get that. I'd want him to be different, too.

If you are just venting, and I think that is what you are doing here, you go girl! Scream your head off with us. We get it and we sympathize.

If in the midst of the screaming you are also looking for a little advice, repread Garden Artist -- especially the part about turning as much of this as you can over to your lawyer.

Hugs to you.
Thanks for the answers. I haven't really had much downtime lately. Besides moms estate and brother problems I've been anxious about other stuff. Waiting for my colonoscopy, etc. Something new keeps poping up that I worry about or makes me uneasy. I am trying to work on my anxiety. Guess I have to start accepting husband won't be sympathetic. It's hard, but I'll work on that also.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support