It happened again ... Another "blow up".
Sigh... this is SO hard!!! Today the poopy hit the fan again. Granted, I have been going through A LOT, and having to care for a VERY needy, narcissistic 85 year old man just adds to the stress.
Since taking over caregiving for my father, I have lost a job, practically RUINED a great relationship, sold my car and moved into an apartment complex 2 minutes from my father, and it is NEVER enough. He HATES being alone, and he's gotten into his head that I'm supposed to remain at his beck and call.
I have been struggling to move out of my home which foreclosed as a result of losing my job (they didn't take too kindly to the schedule changes that come with caregiving), As if losing my home isn't enough, try doing it with an 85 year old attached to your hip. I begged around and/or spent EXTRA money to try to find people to sit with him so I could at least get the items moved into my new, much smaller apartment.
This weekend, all I wanted to do was sit in my pitiful little apartment and unpack boxes, yet I have to stop and babysit him all the time. I went over to grab some food for him with hopes that he would understand that I needed to take care of some things for a few hours, but I would return. Here comes the MELTDOWN... yes, ladies and gentlemen... even tears. He got so upset he nearly fell off the front porch. I completely LOST it!!
I screamed at the top of my lungs "DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH I'VE LOST BECAUSE OF YOU?!?! I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!" I was crying hysterically.
I don't even know where all that came from. Despite having part time help, my Dad expects me to spend every waking hour that the helper is not around with HIM! Weekends are the only time I can get a remote break from the mediocre under paying job I had to take as a result of losing my last one, and they're mostly spent with HIM!!!
Thankfully, the boyfriend (that Dad hates) that I'm on the verge of losing rushed right over (on his lunchbreak even) to calm me down and give me a moment to breathe.
I know Daddy doesn't understand that I need some ME time. It makes me feel AWFUL when he cries but underneath it all, I really RESENT being placed in this position. What should I do?