Losing my Mind!

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I'm a stay at home mom to a 2 year old boy, currently pregnant again. My husband works 6 days a week 12 hour shifts. I take care of my 72 year old mother, who has COPD, memory loss and is very irritable. I also take care of my 92 year old grandmother, who has crippling arthritis, dementia and is in the 4th stage of renal failure. Currently, both grandma and mom live in a house together. We take care of all meals, grocery shopping, doctor appointments, bank runs, bills..etc. We've been looking for a home that would be big enough to have everyone together. Some days I think this would be easier on me, other days I think it will drive me insane! Both my grandmother and mother want just me to take care of them, no one else. Today was doctor appointment day. I have to pack my 2 year old, both of them, drive to the doctor, unload them, my son and go inside. Today I was feeling really ill, so I took them in and left my number for the nurse to call me when they were done. By the time they were finished, my husband was home from midnight shift and volunteered to go pick them up for me. They were fine with that until they got home.. My mother calls to tell me "You should just let me rot here" ... How long does this guilt trip bull crap go on? I do everything for them...even bathe them. Why is it never enough? Will it get worse when/if they move in with us? I swear days like this I just want to say to hell with it all...

7 Comments

OH Sweetie, please rethink living together.... if they get you this upset from a distance , just try to imagine it in your face every day... and just because they only want YOU, doesn't mean other arrangements can't be made... Home Health, help a few hours a day.... hopefully you are aware on some level you have got to set some boundries.... not good for you, the baby you are carrying or your toddler, and of course hubby for you to be this stressed.... don't know what their financial situation is... but at some point, and some point soon, NO will have to be added to your vocabulary.... it's not easy, but neither is you going insane and being exhausted.... you have your own family..... I'm sure others will make similiar suggestions,,, we are here to support you in finding a way to set these boundries, and follow thru... God bless and keep you and your family..... come back and let us know how you are...
I can understand that your mother and grandmother want you and only you to take care of them. But just as you could not have everything you wanted as you were growing up, and your son can't have everything he wants now, Mom and Gram are just going to have to learn get along without having exactly everything they want all the time.

How long does this guilt trip bull crap go on? As long as it works. "You should just let me rot here" "Well, Mother, if that is what you really want I guess I could try it. Does that mean you don't want me to bring your meals tomorrow?"

Start now figuring out how to get some in-home services for Mom and Gram. Meals on Wheels or a similar program can take care of one substantial meal a day. A bath aide can come in once or twice a week to help the ladies get clean. Transportation to the medical appointments can be arranged. Certainly you want these family members to have the best care possible -- but that doesn't mean you have to provide every speck of it personally.

I think I would start by contacting Social Services in their county and ask for a needs assessment. Even if they are not eligible for financial aid, the case worker can explain what services are available and how to contact providers.

Might Gram be eligible for Hospice care?

True, your mother will not like accepting care from someone other than you. Tough! Like everybody else in this world, she can't always have everything she wants. Once you accept that, your life will be much more sane!

And, move them in with you? Oh, I REALLY don't think that is a good idea! See that they get excellent care right where they are. And remember that you do not have to provide all of it!
I think this is too much for anyone. Your husband sounds like a good man, you are lucky for that. You should never feel guilty if your trying to do your best, and it sounds like your doing better than that. I know one thing, if you are pregnant stress is not good and positiveness is the best for your pregnancy and the new baby. After caring for my Mom with dementia I was telling people I felt like I needed to go to a mental health facility. I was not thinking clearly and overwhelmed with the care and mental issues and she was physically fine. The mental ordeal was more than enough for one person and I am creative and patient in dealing with people like that. In your situation I think the best possible solution is to get them a live in caregiver or find a facility close to your home if your in same location now (state/county). Or if you think you can move into Mother/daughter type home with a 24/7 caregiver. I do not think this is a good situation for any one person, especially if you have two young children. Oh and moving people that have dementia is usually not the best thing, change is only going to add more confusion and stress which makes them worse. If I were you I would call your local state board of social services and ask for any type of services you could use for them. When you call they will most likely give you more than a few services you can look into. So you should be ready... pen and paper and try to explain clearly your concerns and conditions of your situation. Are either of them widows of a Veteran? Veterans have a lot of options too. The paperwork for all these things might seem impossible but filling out forms and gathering documents is easier than the alternative. Does anyone have P.O.A. for either of them? By the way the Bull Crap is never enough because you are doing a good job! It is usually a test for security, they know you better than they know themselves. If they thought that you would really neglect them they would be all sweet not to scare you away. I have learned they only abuse those who really care, from my observations, I see it all the time at the NH My Mom is in.
I think this is all true. Try to have them come for a visit, but I would not have both of them in your home. It sounds like it would be too much on you and your family and your new child to come. I am feeling like I am going insane. I am trying to see to it that my father gets to his appointments. I am seeing to it that my mother has things taken care of in the home. This is just getting to be too much. I can't stand not being able to talk to her about my day situation when I get home. Trying to plan the next step alone. I am considering having social services in to do a need assessment. We all need to succeed.
You, your husband and children...those are your priorities. Get whatever help you can and vist a couple of days a week. That precious family of yours deserves your full attention!
Husband and children come first! Don't let Mom and Gram come into your home and destroy your family! This is just wrong. Don't let them guilt you - we all want things but only criminals think they are entitled to have whatever they want. Normal, decent people know better. Take care of yourself and your family and don't look back. God bless.
No matter what, do NOT have either or both of them move in with you! Please take care of yourself 1st. You need to be at your best for your children and your hubby. If I could turn back the clock, I would never have decided to move in with my mom, plain and simple. I love her, but the job is far too much for just me. Bless you and keep us posted!

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