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My mother passed away two years ago unexplectedly, leaving my father alone. There are 5 adult children between the ages of 45-60. Since my mother's passing, 4 of us have been caring for our dad, who is 84. Since March, he has been unable to left alone. We tried to come to an agreement as to what to do for his care, as I am the only one living closeby. 2 of my siblings did not participate in any discussions of how to care for dad. The remaining three of us decided that assisted living was the best option, as there is a wonderful facility here in his hometown. As soon as we made this decision, reserved the room, and got the ball rolling, the other 2 siblings stepped in and stopped it all...saying they would take turns living with dad and taking care of him. At first, we thought that this would be a good thing, as our dad only wanted to stay in his home as long as possible, and this would allow him to do that. Since April, the situation has gotten worse. Dad's mental capacity has rapidly declined and he sleeps most of the time. Gets up to eat, can carry on a short conversation, but really doesn't know too much about what's going on. My brother, who has not been in our dad's life for many many years, decided that he was going to live with dad and take care of him. To make a long story short, he has not been the best brother over the years to any of us, nor was he a very good son to our parents. Nontheless, our father is so happy that his son finally wants to be in his life. Interestingly enough, my brother has been writing checks out to himself and having my dad sign them. Now, when we approached my dad with this, he said that he felt bad that "Bob" didn't have a job and wanted to help him out. Keep in mind, "Bob" lives 1500 miles away and his a wife and home. My brother has now decided that he is the only one who can care for our dad and has basically alienated 2 of my siblings from seeing my dad. "Bob" also appears to be taking good physcal care of our father, but it is clear that he has brainwashed him into believing the rest of us don't care about him. My oldest sister has POA and is also in charge of his healthcare. She can totallly be trusted, but is now concerned that "Bob" has another motive for his kindness to our dad. "Bob" is playing it out well, being ever so kind and caring for our dad, yet behind the scenes sending nasty and threatening emails to us about how HE is not going to allow anyone to take care of dad but him. I guess my question is...has anyone experienced anything like this, and is there any action we can take? I just spent a few hours with my dad today, took him out to lunch, and clearly, he had been manipulated into believing things about his other children (not "Bob") that just are not true. I feel so bad for my dad as he cannot think for himself much anymore. We are at a loss as to how to stop my brother from taking control of dad's mind. We want to confront him on this, with my dad present, but don't want to upset our father, either. Any advice would be appreciated.

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Taking care of my Dad I have learned that he will attach himself to anyone who gives him what he wants and who is gentle with him while changing him. He feels guilty that I have to change his diaper and he is always trying to pay me for taking care of him. I tell him that I do not need his money and that he does not need to worry about anything. Now, if I refuse to give him a beer (which I give him non alcoholic beer), he will hate me. Your brother may be giving him something that he really enjoys and telling him that only he will give it to him, therefore making him believe he has to keep him around no matter what. If your sister has the POA I do not see why she can not have him placed into a personal care home or bring him to her house. The one with the POA should have all the control and say so as to his care and finances. Speak to a lawyer about the POA's rights and if bringing in law enforcement is an option if needed as a last resort to get your dad into the care he needs to be in. This is my opinions only as to what may be in your situation.
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Unfortunately, many people have experienced similar situations. I'm quite sure you'll hear from others on this forum. It's good that your sister has POA.
I'd suggest at the very least that all of you keep the threatening emails your brother sends to you. If you choose to take legal action, then you'll have some proof. I'm not sure what you can do if he's actually taking good care of your dad and your dad is signing the checks, but keep an eye on the situation. You may want to consult an elder law attorney to see what options you have.
Take care,
Carol
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