Feeling guilty of putting mom in a adult assisted living home.

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I feel so guilty every single day that I had to put my mom in an elderly assited living home. Mom is ill, she has multiple problems. Mom has dementia, broken hip, diabetes, high blood pressure, has had conjestive heart failure. My mom lived with my Grandmother mostly all of her life. As my Grandmother aged, my mom took care of her 24/7, in my grandmother's older years 90+ the demands of my mom were greater...then she died. My mom still lived in her home with a roomate afterwards but the dementia seemed to excel very quickley after her moms death. She was not eating, was not bathing or changing her clothes, would stay in her pajamas all day. She eventually had to be admitted to the hospital where they then sent her to a nursing home facility do to her abnormal counts of diabetes. Then she fell there and broke her hip! Ater the 100 days that the facility said was their max and they said that she had reached her "maximum rehabilitation" I was told she had to exit. I thought that the best thing to do was to bring her home with me. Well, after 2 weeks, my family was so upset, she was yelling at everyone, got so bad that my teenage daughter was crying everyday because the "Nonna" that loved her so much was yelling at her and calling her spoiled and stupid. The in home care giver was also ready to give up. I then decided that I would place mom in a "Adult assisted Living home" She was unhappy for the first few days but since after is okay there, she has gained 20 pounds, eats alot, cares about her appearance, dresses and is active with the others at the facilility. Her short term memory is gone...she talks about her dead mom as if she was still alive...she asks me where I live, although she has been there many times...she's still in a wheelchair from the broken hip.. She says she wants to go home with me or back to her house. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or being selfish...I feel so guilty! Anyone out there going throught the similiar situation?


Guilt is the default background feeling for caregivers. Learn to live with it.

"Noona" is somewhere she is thriving. You obviously made the right choice, not only for your household but especially for her. To undo the good you have achieved in the hopes that you could get rid of feeling guilty would not only be foolish but also selfish. Mom is doing great where she is. Don't spoil that!

If her short term memory is so faulty that she won't remember what you say anyway, then say whatever will comfort her. "I think you are scheduled to be here another week. I'll check with the office." or "We can't go today because of awful road construction. Let's talk about it tomorrow" and then change the subject.

Good luck.
She is in better health and has gained the need weight but nearly everytime we visit her she says that she wants to go back to her house, it makes me second guess my decision and think maybe that being in the facility is making her dementia worse and that if she were to go back home she would be better, the problem in finding a in home live in that will be willing to stay with her 24/7. I just want to make her happy!
When I leave her after a visit she just seems so sad and lonely that I question myself...
LaineyS, my husband spend several months early in his dementia asking to go home, packing his bag, waiting by the door, asking when the cab was coming, etc., etc. Where was he while all this was going on? At home!

What makes you think her dementia would be better if she weren't in the care center?
Because I've taken her from the city and the home that she has lived in for all of her adult life, family members and friends from that city think that she will "Go" faster if she is away from the place and people that she knows. Where she is now is about an hour away from them but 5 minutes away from me, her only daughter and her grandaughter.
But...also she does not even remember people and family that have come to visit her here by me, even the next day...also only 2 have come in the past six months.
My daughter and I visit her every day or so...
Can your mother afford 24/7 caregivers, either live-in or in shifts? If so, discuss with her doctors (NOT her former neighbors, please) whether it might improve her dementia if she moved home. Be prepared, though, to accept that she will still talk about her dead mother as if she were alive, she will still ask where you live, and she won't remember that any of the neighbors have visited. Also be prepared for those neighbors to visit less and less frequently. And now you are an hour's drive away from her, and she doesn't have the social life she enjoys in the care center. Doesn't sound like an improvement to me, but if she can afford the in-home care, then ask her doctors their opinion.

If she can't afford it, then it really doesn't make much sense to dwell on it, does it?

Keep visiting daily, and brighten your mother's life right where she is.
had to put my mother in assisted living 3 years ago, she was not remembring to eat, stayed up all nite doing whatever. she is now 94 and still sometimes complains that we sold everything.I now just reply-yes, we probably sold that at the yard sale with no guilt. I went thru the hugh guilt thing, but she is in a safer place now and close by and gets to travel with me ocassionally and my sister. Her short term memory is getting worse, and will not get any better, but she is happy. You said she has gained weight, is bathing and dressing, socializing-what more could you ask for? If you put her back home, she would not be socializing(Like jeanne has stated-her former friends will stop visiting). Do not let others convince you that she would have been better back where she was, that her memory would have been better. I have this problem all the time with my sister, and I have finally dealt with it. she is coming back today to her AL after a month with my sister. I will now have to go thru the deprogramming all the crap my sister has done in a month to get her happy again. But, I did get a month's vacation-I visit my mom almost everyday, take her swimming in summer several times a week, shopping etc, but I mostly try to get her in all the activities at her AL.
As above posts have stated, your mom appears to be where she should be. The wanting to go home, live with you, etc. will never end. Often, the elderly person doesn't realize they are in the best possible place for so many reasons. And you live only 5 minutes from her. The people who live an hour from her can easily visit her if they are so inclined.

In home care can be difficult. My husbands elderly aunt had 24/7 care and her caregiver had difficulty ensuring someone was always there as many times the agency could not send someone out to her home and other arrangements had to made. Also, often the elderly person doesn't like a "stranger" in their home, and might not get along with these outside caregivers.

My mother made it as hard for me as she could about living in a facility. But, I knew what had to be done and learned to come to terms with it. So many of the posts on this site helped me and I know they will help you too. Blessings to you and take care.

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