Guilt and shame eating me alive.

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My mom who was recently diagnosed with a benign brain tumor by a psychiatrist and has schizophrenic type of paranoia and also has many other ailments including diabetes 2, she is in a wheelchair very weak with a walker and probably won’t do much better though she has done amazing I don’t think she will be where she wants to be. I foolishly brought her out due to her manipulative ways, hence the title. It’s been 4 days, she sweet talks the doctor and then she pretty much threatens me and shakes her fist at me. I am scared too. I was naive about being able to take care of her. I have taken care of her and lived with her from 29 of 31 years. The 2 years were the hardest as her brain tumor and her recovery were bad. She is a miracle but dementia came up, recently. She will not listen to my sound advice and negates a lot of the professionals suggestion. I am not a representative or her POA and she will not do it. She has some lucidity. So I have a call into her doctor to chat with him about what is going on and this is having a negative effect on my health, she needs a new place to go for her needs. So burned out from her dementia and I think the 29 yrs of her passive aggression, only now it’s worse. I am getting panic attacks and I need health care attention but I am on a fixed budget a need to get back to work so I can get some insurance to help me. But I am afraid I will be trapped due to my stupid much burden to bare I have talked to the the home health care evaluation nurse and she is going to get me a social worker so we can see what can do for both of us. I just can’t do it anymore. She has too many complex issues. I just hate dementia and the brain tumor but I love mom, especially in her funny lucid moments. Please let them help find her a great place...we are in crisis. Thanks for any support.


Shame? my dear, your mom has mental and physical illnesses that defeat the care of some professionals.

Guilt? Did you give mom any of these illnesses?

None of this is your fault. Nor mom's fault. You need to stay well to be her advocate and keep her safe.

Sometimes safe and happy are diametrically different things when it comes to elders.
You "just can’t do it anymore. She has too many complex issues." Indeed! So you are in touch with her doctor and will be talking to a social worker. Good for you! You made a mistake in thinking you could care for her, but you are not stuck with that mistake forever and ever.

You do need to work. You do need health insurance. You need to take care of yourself. Your mother needs a strong advocate. Stay strong!
Not realising that you had made a mistake, or even worse realising it but being too pig-headed to admit it... then you would have something to feel guilty about and ashamed of. But biting off more than you can chew? Saying so at once? - Heavens! Anyone can get things wrong!

As Jeanne said, in trying to do your very best for your mother you made a mistake. Now you're putting it right. What more could anyone do?
You have absolutely nothing to be guilty or ashamed of!!

All you have done is care for your mother, and now realize she needs a higher level of care, and you need to regain your independence, I would call that BRAVERY.

Yes, mom will give you plenty of pushback on moving her to a better living situation, but try to let her comments and anger flow around and past you. Get her settled and then take care of you!!

You are smart enough to not blend mom's irrational behavior with who she really is--hate the disease, but love the person.

Good luck on this change of life. Don't beat yourself up!!

You have value and a right to a life of your own. If mother was in "her right mind" she's agree.

Consider this as a "lessons learned" episode on life's complicated journey, with twists, turns, perhaps even some flooded roads that require redirection.

Try to create a clearer focus by considering this as happening to someone else. What would you advise them?

You've analyzed the situation, recognized the pitfalls, now focus on the options going forward and feel better about yourself for having tried and recognized an impossible situation.

And treat yourself to something you like, whether it's a walk outside, a good movie, book, or just doing nothing. Then proceed on implementing alternate plans.

You're not alone on this journey, and I'm sure the path has many survivors who are still battling getting past those thickets of self doubt and recrimination.

Good luck, and continue to believe in yourself.

Wow! you all are like a talisman! Thanks for the support. Reading your replies at the end of the day.

Yesterday, we (social worker and others) went to work finding her a bed at the place she was at before. So we planned it and put things in place and then we waited for a phone call and then I get the call, its not good. Not female bed available though they said that they would, ugh, and I asked that she be placed on the waiting list, only one lady ahead of her. I am crushed, had to pulled self up dusted off dirt and carry on...with heavy gut burning sensation in the pit of my tummy. And see next section...

Today mom as be well, irritable. Confusion. Constant complaints about me, When even asking a question how are you today? (No I didn't react negatively she did she wanted to push buttons lol thank heavens I got plenty of sleep, after over 24 hours probably 30 or more of trying to sleep), who can sleep with so much stress! Sorry...back to story of the day!) Probably because she is in pain but she didn't want pain medication. She can handle lost of pain like no one else I know! Amazing woman but she gets cranky pain level 7. I think if she did have some Tylenol to take the edge of she would be a little more even keeled. More Lucid not so today.

Tonight my stress level went up again finances, you know about those, as you all go through it. Can't afford aide help...sigh! One day at a time...back to stressing I go! I came here and see talismans posts...thank you! I can find her a place, I am just worn out and overwhelmed like you all are, I don't want another mistake to happen. So if I have to put her name on a few more lists so be it. Just not in the eastern part of my county, heard its not good!)

I will give mom this though, I know she doesn't want to burden me, she likes being independent but now she doesn't understand anymore about how its affecting me. she does things on her own. I wake most of these first full week, to find her awake and working on some project and she has a clean diaper on (incontinent) colostomy bag is generally done a little later depending on how much food and drink she had, and transferred herself from bed to her wheelchair. She is somewhat high functioning KUDOS mom! High independence streak. Still her short term memory sucks big time, confusion, etc..

Anyway one of those days!

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