I am considering an Assisted Living Facility for my 80 year old mother. I'm feeling extremely guilty about it.

Started by

I am considering an Assisted Living Facility for my 80 year old mother. I'm feeling extremely guilty about it. I had been living with her for the last 7 months, on her couch, in a small one bedroom apt. All of my personal things crammed in a tiny corner of the living room. After many conversations with her about getting a two bedroom so that I myself could have my personal space (and of course her fighting me on it, saying I'M NOT MOVING), I made the choice to move out but still go over a few times a week to help with things she needs. Even though I know she will still have some independence at an Assisted Living Facility, I'm torn about the fact that she will be leaving "her" home. She has been living in the same apt. for 13 years. At her age, she doesnt take change well at all (understandably). What will I do with her things? How wrong is that of me to take her out of her comfort zone, pack up all of her stuff and take her somewhere completely foreign to her? I feel an immense amount of guilt that I am "pawning her off" for someone else to help her with her needs. How will she feel? She's already sad that I moved out (which breaks my heart). I know that she will probably get even better assistance at a facility but .... I am her daughter. I should be assisting her. She has ALWAYS been there for me. My reasoning for wanting to check out an A.L.F. is because I am not as available for her now. I had stopped "my life" when I was living with her. I became overwhelmed and extremely stressed out, even losing 15 lbs. Now that I have moved out, I have started living for me again, somewhat anyway, but still make her my priority. However, isnt that a contradictory statement? I make her my priority but I am looking into Assisted Living Facilities????? I am so torn and confused.

1 Comment

Why is the assisted living necessary? What is she needing that she can't get where she lives? I think that this is the important part of the discussion. Are you providing help that you won't be able to do soon? All of these are valid concerns. You have a right to a life. She can't expect others to give up their life to care for her. Not that she would want them to but she may not realize how much work it is to take care of her. Please tell me more.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support