Confused, Angry, and Sad About Grandfather's Living Arrangement Choice
Hello. A recent surgery rendered my grandfather wheelchair bound (leg amputated). He's in good spirits after some very difficult months in the hospital (it was dicey), but now it's time to move him to a full-time care facility.
Here's the hard part: As his granddaughter, I am his POA and executor of his will. I live 4 hours from him and wanted him to move closer to me and my mom. I can't move right now. Before the amputation, he lived with a lady friend who integrated him into her family's life, oftentimes at our sacrifice. She has her own issues, but he was her primary caretaker, driving her to appointments and taking her to dinner every night. Her family all lives within 15 miles of them. My mom and I are his only living relatives who speak to him (he has an estranged son who has not been in the picture for 30 yrs), but this companion has made it difficult to see him over the last 18 years. She used to hide his cell phone (I pay for it) so we couldn't talk to him. She wouldn't let us see him during holidays. He used to sneak out of his house to meet me somewhere for lunch--a whole hour of his time every 6 months or so for my 8-hour RT drive. Wow. We're not welcome in her home. He's made it clear that he didn't want to marry her (she definitely wanted that) and they have kept everything separate. Now it's a problem. During a prior hospitalization in 2008, she convinced the hospital that she was his wife and tried to block us from visiting him. When he awoke, he clarified with the hospital that we were family and were to make all medical decisions for him; me as POA followed. He agreed that if nursing care was needed, he would come live by me or with me. That was 2007.
I'm again managing his finances until he's a bit better. His companion has access to his vehicle and consistently uses his debit card, which made it difficult to manage his balances to pay his bills. When I asked her to let me know when she used the card, she flipped out on me. When I need to speak to him privately about financial matters, she refuses to leave his hospital room and he won't stand up to her even though she has no legal right to be there.
By all accounts, he wants me to handle the grunt work, but he's not willing to call her out on her behavior. I'm angry that he's put me in this position. I love him more than any person in this world and have gone consistenly every single weekend for months that he's been in the hospital to see him. It's cost me thousands in gas and lodging and I can't keep up this pace when he moves to a full-care facility. I won't. I'm exhausted from battling her, worrying about him, and trying to keep up with my career and family. I haven't seen my boyfriend in weeks.
I want to have a conversation with my grandfather this weekend to clear the air. He's making the decision to stay closer to the lady friend and his other friends, which is fine. I want him to have a robust network of people to help him heal. But I don't want to be the gopher, setting up lawyers and asset sales and never getting to see him. I'll call often (hopefully she won't be able to hide the phone at the facility), and visit when I have time and money. But I feel awfully sad, confused, and angry about this decision. It sounds childish, but I feel abandoned by him. Like I'm good enough to be his accountant and secretary, but I'm not good enough for him to stand up to his companion for. My mom is devastated and is refusing to go see him, and they were VERY close, talking every day on the phone when the companion didn't hide it. She says he made his choice and has now written him off.
I'm not sure if I have the right to be angry, but I sure know that I don't want to be doing all this for naught. He's always asked me to play nicely with his companion, and I always have. It's us who have missed birthday parties and Christmases because she won't let us see him. I'm just so frustrated and don't know what to do or how to feel about this. Should I just wash my hands of this and tell him that someone else can be POA? I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I can't keep fighting with her every time I need to see or speak with him.