I did it. I got my mom into a memory care unit, but now I feel guilty and my brother is causing trouble at the nursing home.

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My mother has had dementia for several years and it has taken me all that time and much therapy to actually have her admitted. She has her own room and it's a beautiful caring place, but now that it's done, she hates me and my brother was there causing trouble trying to get her out (though he has never done a thing to help with the situation at all) and I feel like I did take her life away from her. And I'm afraid I will feel guilty forever.


Stell; I want you to track down a book at your local library or book store or Amazon; it's called Being Mortal by Atul Gawunde.

Sometimes, we are forced with a choice of keeping our elders happy or safe. Sometimes what they want is not a good choice. If we feel responsible for their safety, then we make the choice to get them into the level of care that they need, not what they want.

Guilt is for folks who did something wrong. Not you.

And by the way, it's her dementia that is robbing her of her life, not you. You got her to a safe harbor. She may eventually thank you for what you did.

Is she being seen by a geriatric psychiatrist for her depression and agitation? These conditions often accompany dementia (what I think of as "broken brain syndrome"). For some, meds for anxiety and depression have been real game changers; they won't fix the dementia, but they can fix some of the symptoms, sometimes.

Be well. Rest easy.
People who have dementia may not be mentally able to realize that they need a certain level of care. No matter how obvious it is, they just can't understand. You may never be able to get your mom to understand. But, that's how brutal and unfair dementia is. We, as the caretakers, have to make tough, but, smart decisions about the care and protection of our loved one. It's out duty. We should feel guilty only when we don't do that. It sounds like you did. I would be grateful that she was safe and cared for.

I'd seek legal advice about your brother trying to bother your mom to see what options you may have to prevent him from causing trouble. Some people just don't get it.
It may very well take you a long time to adjust to mom's new life - I had to make the decision to place my then 92 year old mom in memory care 15 months ago - I hate that I had to do it and it continues to be exhausting and stressful for me to be responsible for her
If you found a caring happy place for mom to live out her days then you are a hero - it may take her a very long time to adjust depending on where she is in the disease

As for your brother - was he trying to take her out for an outing or move her out?

Who has POA?
As BarbB says, "Guilt is for folks who did something wrong. Not you."

You may well feel regret for a long time, maybe even forever when you think about it. Certainly you regret that you had to do this. You regret that your mother is not happy. The situation is sad. Feeling sad makes sense.

But guilt? Your mother developed dementia. That is Not Your Fault. Your brother wasn't there for her. That is Not Your Fault. Her disease progressed to a point where she needed a higher level of care and 24 hour supervision. That is Not Your Fault. In her currently befuddled mind she is saying she hates you. That is Not Your Fault. This situation is not your fault. Give up the guilt. You haven't earned it.

Once your mother settles in (if not stirred up by your brother) she will probably forget that she "hated" you. And if she were in her right mind, she'd probably be appalled that she said that!
Before you seek legal advice about your brother, I'd sit down with the facility administrator and see what their policies are about disruptive visitors. They may have some procedures for dealing with this.
Thank you so much. I keep trying to get my brain to deal with the situation. My brother has never done anything for her, he just cares that the money he thought he was going to inherit will be used for our mother's care. He never visits her, he only wanted to get her out. I don't think he had a plan. He called  the fact that she was in the nursing home as "kidnapping".
Yes, I'd talk to the NH social worker about what steps they will take to insure that brother does not try to remove her.

But if he does, she is HIS responsibility, not yours.
There always seems to be at least one relative who fails to see the necessity of placing Mom in care, becoming part of the problem rather than the solution. They insist you're being cruel/insensitive/selfish because you're not willing to sacrifice all (marriage, your own health, finances, sanity) by keeping Mom in your own home or some other equally unsuitable arrangement. You might ask your brother when HE'LL be moving Mom into HIS home and see how he responds.
Sometimes what a person needs is not gonna be what they want. If your mom is on Medicaid, there won't be anything to inherit except personal things like clothes, maybe a teacup and a piece of furniture. Even if she has money saved, the NH will eat up those savings and there still won't be any kind of cash to inherit. I'm guessing that is what your brother really wants is the money but you to keep taking care of her. If you have POA, talk to the NH to limit your brother's visits to once every couple weeks with you being there. He can't visit her alone. You did the best you could when you took care of her at home, but her needs became more than what you could due. Keeping her clean, safe and fed is honoring the mother and father bit.

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