Saying goodbye to Mom as she goes to assisted living and beginning brother's care.

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My brother cared for my mom who has alzheimers. He could barely take care of himself as his health issues reached a peak. He had triple bypass last week. Being the nurse that i am I micromanaged his care and was able to get the docs I wanted and bonded with the nurses in the ICU ( I knew some of them) He is in rehab which fought like crazy to get hi in. The folks I know in rehab did appeals with Medical Assistance until they agree. That being said he will return to my home next week to recover. His care is going to be 10x more than I thought because it seems was not taking meds correctly etc. I have asked for a neuropsych eval to see what we are dealing with. He is very depressed. My mother enabled and covered for him all his life. As she declined so did he. She is not going home. My other brothers and I have decided it best to wait until he is stronger and his mind clearer until we discuss that with him. He needs to visit the Al and feel a part of this before we move mom.
For two weeks from morning til night I managed mom and brothers care. emails, phone call, internet searches etc..
So why am i writing. I have so busy that I have not felt the enormity of the situation.
I am exhausted , house neglected, no time to get groceries. Where are all these people who said "if you need anything" I do and I did and told them
I had a complete meltdown after work yesterday. Sat in the care and sobbed at the loss of the mother I had. I miss her friendship and every morning chats. I go to call her then remember everything is different. She will never go home and nothing will ever be the same. She asks to go home, we redirect her and then she is ok for a while. I feel like I have betrayed her when I know this is the best thing. I could not stop crying last night. Just got in bed and melted down. I am weary emotionally and physically. Is it normal for a 56 year old woman to need her mother so much.
She has been an amazing mother. raised 5 children with little money and we never felt neglected. She taught us independence and she was my cheerleader. She made me believe I could do anything I set my mind to. And I did. And I honr that relationship. She is /was my bestfriend and I am lying t her and betraying and putting her on a locked memory care unit.
My heart is shattering.
ok I know this is embarassingly long. You all are the only ones who may understand this feelings. How do I do this. I feel like everytime I see her I am saying good by to the part of her that I miss.
Need hugs my friends

1 Comment

The people who told you, "If you need anything....." are at home waiting for you to call them. When I cared for my dad in my home that is one of the major lessons I walked away with. I can't count on anyone to know how I'm feeling. I need to reach out. No one is expected to know how I feel or to know that I need help. If I need help then it's my job to ask for it.

There's nothing wrong with feeling that way about your mom. There's nothing like a mom. Even now, years after my mom has been gone, any time I get sick I still want my mom. Even as an adult I wanted my mom. When mom was around everything was going to be OK. Your mom sounds like an amazing lady. The one person you'd go to when you're feeling like this and now the one person you can't go to anymore.

From one nurse to another, you're doing the right thing. Caring for your mom wore your brother down because caring for someone with Alzheimer's is not a 1-person job. I've known patients with Alzheimer's that an entire staff of professionals had difficulty looking after.

The words "lying" and "betraying" are pretty harsh and not accurate. You're trying to make sure your mom has the best care she can get. You're not plotting to hurt her intentionally and your motives aren't selfish so try not to use such negative words like that. Don't beat yourself up.

The cruelest thing about Alzheimer's is that once our loved ones get to a point that they don't understand anything anymore they're protected. They don't feel the loss like we do. Their dementia acts as kind of a buffer for them but for us, their loved ones, we feel it all. We're grieving someone who is sitting right in front of us and that feels strange.

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