Getting over depression because of mom's decline.

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I have found myself totally obsessed with the heartbreak over my mother's physical and mental decline. She is in a nursing home and is now getting to the point where she can barely speak, and is not eating, or at least not much solid food. I can't accept the fact that there is nothing I can do for her, and I feel so guilty if I miss a day going to see her. I work a very demanding job, and I have some problems with my own health that makes me tired. How do I stop being so depressed over this situation? I don't sleep well, and I find myself crying and thinking about her 24/7. I would like to have a happy life, but how can I when she is in this condition? I feel guilty if I even eat foods that she once loved. Can anyone help me? I have even thought about ending my own life just to end the pain, but I wouldn't want to leave her and my husband.

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Mel, the pity party statement was out of line.
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When we are all going through what we all are going through, emotions are all over the place. I tend to be very sensitive and thin skinned at times. I hope to be more of a help than a hindrance. I appreciate everyone's comments, and just being able to "tell it like it is" is a huge help. If I ever get snarky...just ignore me! I don't mean it personally. I am just trying to figure it all out. Good thoughts to all of you going through your own trials. ((((hugs)))) I care about you.
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yes, it was mostly likely well intentioned,
but i felt the need to make my comment-
the need to connect is important-
k
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Jennysgirl -- nice response to what was probably a well-intentioned "tough love " comment.
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I thought this was a place where we could "let it all out"?
if we need to complain-vent- is this not a place that allows us to do just that?
do we have to watch what we say, so that we cannot just release the
negitives we feel, get a little relief and make room for the next crisis?
so we feel sorry for ourselves at times, so what? we are allowed- it isnt like we are going to abandon the ones that need us...
so, i felt annoyed reading that- however-this is the place to get out all those feelings- right?
maybe i am not understanding the situation-which happens at one time or another-k
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Melanie, I appreciate your comments, but the "pity party" statement made me angry. My pity is for my poor mother, who doesn't deserve to be in this condition. My husband is not supportive, even after I nursed him through a heart transplant two years ago. I need a medical procedure that he won't pay for, and I can't afford, so I don't really care about him right now. I have such empathy for my mom, it is just hard to deal with, especially when I get no support at home. If this sounds like a "pity party" I guess I'm having one. I'm glad you're so strong and able.
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Melanie I couldnt agree with you more and bless you for all you are, and have been going through. My Mom was also a fabulous nurturing mother and she will be with me also until the end. When she could understand and talk I told her she was a lucky ducky and she would laugh and repeat it, priceless! I am sure she knows though, I spoil her and sing her to sleep everynight laying on her pillow. I love that feeling that she is here and safe and happy inside.
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I had first my grandma and now my mother with me. They cared for me when I was helpless and then I returned the favor. I am also a single mom who works from home, a homeschool mom of several kids including those adopted with special needs, and a cancer survivor.

I can honestly say I have not been depressed. My mom gave me the gift of life and took care of me and nurtured me and she is with me and will be until she dies. Every day with her is a gift. She taught me how to mother. It is sad to see them decline. It is heartbreaking. But your response to this is of your own choosing. You might want to pick up a copy of Dr. Wayne Dyer's book "Your Erroneous zones". I have found it so helpful.

Celebrate her life and the fact that she gave you life. Make every moment a loving one. Be there for her daily. This isn't all about you. She is the one doing the suffering. You are just feeling sorry for yourself and your pity party is hurting you and your husband and rendering you unable to be there for your mom.
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What moving responses. I am so sorry for your situation.

I think everyone is right -- your mother would probably want for you to be consoled and strengthened by your love, and for you and your husband to have a good life now that this stage of life has been reached. She might even suggest that you enjoy life while you can --

One of the things that has helped me through this caretaking "adventure" is knowing how my parents, grandparents and great-grandparents cared for their own parents so lovingly, and how there came a point when they could do no more, and how hard it must have been for them, too. I imagine that if my ancestors all went through this, and survived, then I can too, with as much grace and dignity and lovingkindness as I can muster.

What I am trying to say is that your mother survived the aging and death of her mother, and your grandmother did to, on back to Eve. If you can draw on their strength, it may help you to work through your depression and health challenges to become a more resilient individual.

In yoga they say to practice ahimsa -- non self-harming. Please be as kind and gentle and loving to yourself as you are towards your beloved mother. And know you are absolutely doing your best for her by giving her a clean safe place where she can be cared for by professionals.

And don't forget -- as inappropriate as it may seem, laughter helps!
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I'm very sorry to see your pain but hope you can see thru that for just a moment to realize you are not alone. Think of that...so many of us are feeling the same this same moment in time. So many of us share those same feelings. One of the thoughts that help me is knowing that my mom, who herself cared for my grandma till her last breath, would be so very proud of me for trying my very best for her at the end of her life. You are a wonderful and loving daughter and deserve to have your own happy remaining days.
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