Trying to see the blessing in getting (sort of) kicked off the caregiving team.

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In the process of moving Mom to an IL/AL facility, my BIL made decisions that effectively kicked me off the caregiving team. That was about 2 days ago. From what I can tell, she is settling in and financial issues are being resolved. I can't call her because he cell phone service doesn't work there and the new phone has not been connected. The new phone number has not been shared - at least, not with me. My emails to BIL have so far not been answered.

I am still DPOA but since she has chosen BIL to help her, I'm not needed.

I'm trying to see the blessing this is - that I am not carrying the burden of all her issues and needs all by myself. This process has shown me how selfish she is. Once she realized I was onto her act, she targeted BIL and he is now coordinating things.

I REALLY need to be okay with this.


You are released! Go to the beach, stick your toes in the sand and let BIL enjoy the fun and games. Send her chocolates for Mothers Day and leave it at that. BIL will eventually realized he just stepped in a big pile of poop.
Take yourself on a jaunt to the library, see a movie, smell the flowers. Let the family enjoy the benefits of caregiving for a change. Don't stress.
I realized this week (my Mom passed Tuesday, unexpectedly) that this kind of behavior (BIL) doesn't help any of you. Mom is and has been the first priority. If you have DPOA, (especially healthcare), you are the one who should have made that decision with your family. But caregiving is exhausting, and I'm glad for you that you don't have to carry 100% of the burden. Also, I was in the process of placing my Mom (she had Alzheimer"s), for LTC and I wasn't planning to tell anyone for 2 weeks because I thought she needed time to settle in. Right now, you need to find out your rights and when you can see your Mom. AND TELL BIL the priority is Mom. Not trying to be right, not ego or control. Because they can slip away so, and instead of coming together, he were too busy trying to control (but nicer). I'm not communicating well and I've found I'm being a complete b**ch to others. As someone who took care of my Mom for over 2 years, I know this is hard. Just try to make him try to understand you are hurt and you want to see Mom.
I've calmed down a bit, though this as been a week from h**l. BIL sent all us siblings (there are 6 of us) a 7 page document with all of the details, including her phone. My husband asked me if BIL was being helpful or being an a-hole and I told him I don't know.

I'm starting to think this may work out and all be okay. I was having trouble letting go, though for the life of me I don't know why. Maybe I was brainwashed as a kid (see narcissistic mothers). BIL is the only one in my family who has not been burned by my parents. So he has mental energy to put toward her that the rest of us don't have. She depleted the rest of us long ago. What gets irritating is he also doesn't understand the emotional scars the rest of us have and why it is so difficult to help out a woman who refuses to help herself, though she is more than capable of doing so. He has his judgements of us without the understanding.

I'll visit her Mother's Day weekend. Until then, I'm going to concentrate on myself and my own immediate family. Thank you for the encouragement and permission to do so!
cmc - enjoy the break. You have earned it. Letting go of anything is often difficult, but you can do it. I think bil may get a clue as to how your mum has affected you and sibs as he deals more with her. I have a few relatives like that, who did not understand, and I know that rankles, but have taken on a job for mother then got bitten and understand better now. (((((((hugs)))))) Do something good for you today!

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