Getting help with caregiving when siblings have different perspecitives.

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I have learned that my siblings have different perspectives than I. One has financial issues and health issues, another has health issues of his own...while dealing with the passing of a beloved stepson and a mil who has lung cancer and will be moving in with him and his wife. I have learned that there is only so much I can impose on my siblings even though my sister is the primary on mom's DPOA. I live locally with mom who is now in assisted living with dementia that has progressed to the point that she is mentally incapacitated. Sometimes I feel I am being used by my siblings, especially sister but.. I can only do so much, but I have learned, they also can only do so much considering their life situations.I don't have a pressing problem, I only want to start a conversation with others who have similar issues and how are handling your emotional load while understanding your siblings load.


I have a similar situation. What I've come to accept (with tears, lots sometimes) is that I am responsible for my actions and how I love Mom. I do shed tears for my Mom that my sibs are narcissistic and selfish.. I know she is aware of their lack of involvement in her care. We must stop making excuses for others - as they CHOOSE to give to our Moms what they WANT. We all make sacrifices for what is important and valuable to us. Our time is no less significant than our siblings. We simply CHOOSE to honor our Mother with time and they don't.
My dad died about 15 years ago. My oldest sister and I decided we could do the eulogy and asked for input from our other five siblings. The youngest brother's reaction to the shared memories was "I never knew that about Dad!" The experience of preparing for the memorial service made very clear to me that while the seven of us were full siblings -- DNA testing would show us to have the same parents -- in a very real sense we each had a different set of parents. This is neither a good thing nor a bad thing. It just is.

And, of course, we each have our own personalities, beliefs, expectations, and abilities.

Of course we have different perspectives. In many families there is enough commonality to work together toward in caring for a parent. Unfortunately that isn't always the case, even in families where there has not been a lot of dysfunctionality. Wishing that it were so or insisting that it be so doesn't change anything.
My sister's way of dealing with our mother's decline is very different than how I deal with it. At first it would really make me angry with my sister because I felt she focused only on external things, which she does...but I came to realize that is my sister and how she deals with her emotions. On Sunday my sis, brother and I went to the community to visit with mom. Mom's dog shredded the screen door to the sliding glass door, sis asked brother if he could fix it. He said he had all the supplies at home and would bring them with him. My brother was down on the floor putting new screening on the door when he started to cough, he stopped working for few seconds then went back to work, again he started to cough. This second time of coughing, I could see he was struggling to get his breath (he has interstitial lung disease), so I pulled out a chair from the dinette and told my brother to take a break and sit down for awhile. Even mom could see something was wrong with my brother and she asked me what is wrong with "D", is he ok? I told mom he has allergies. Sis was out of mom's apartment when this happened. My sister has very low blood pressure so when she is up moving about, her blood pressure can drop very low causing her to have muscle weakness, light headedness and she will even slur her words. While sis and I are going through all of mom's belongings, it is a slow process because sis can only work so fast and is usually sitting because standing for too long can cause her blood pressure to drop. My siblings are willing to help, they are just limited and I won't put pressure on them to do more especially my brother because I know he will say he will do it....but after what happened Sunday, I don't want to put him in a position again where he struggles to breath.
I was responsible for all of dad's care, when he lived with me for 5 years and once he went into the NH. It was around this time that I had just about had enough and could not fit one more thing on my plate and in a tearful phone call to my brother he stepped right in. He had no idea what he was getting himself into but soon he and I developed a pattern that worked for us. He took care of dad's business stuff and dealt with the nursing home and I took care of everything personal and medical. We worked like a well oiled machine and the night my dad died I was just sitting on the phone with my brother, not talking, and he told me he loved me.

Our success happened by accident but maybe one sibling could be the contact person (the one who speaks to all the Dr.'s and other professionals) and it would be this sibling's responsibility to email the rest of the siblings with an update. Maybe another sibling could be responsible for the banking.

I don't know how many siblings you have lying around so I'll stop at 2 but everyone ought to contribute something and if a sibling has a lot going on in his/her life maybe that sibling's contribution would be small for the time being.

My brother had no idea I needed help because I never asked him. I assumed he should know I needed help. How many months and months I wasted doing everything on my own when he was more than happy to jump in, he just didn't know what to do!

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