Frustration, need to vent.

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Please no judging because I feel an extreme guilt over this.
I am 26 and my fiance is 29
My fiance and I are the main caregivers for her dying 92 year old grandmother. When we agreed to do this, we were under the impression that she would only be alive for a few days to a week. Fast forward it has no been over a month. She probably only has a week or so left but the dr's have been wrong thus far. At first I was very nice and understanding. Now I have completely lost all of my patience. She is retaining fluid and now weighs about 230lbs. I am the only one who can move her. She is completely restless and wakes us up multiple times a night, just to scoot her around the bed. I work anywhere from 10-14 hours a day. I no longer look forward to going home quite frankly being home is harder than working. Last night I reached my breaking point. I worked from 5 am to 7pm. I got home at 730. I ordered chinese food for dinner. It came at about 8:15. My fiance and I were about to go up in our room and eat just to get alone time. We did our last nightly check on her grandma, We rolled her over to check her bed sore and she was completely covered in (loose) feces (sorry tmi). So obviously I wasn't having dinner after witnessing that. By the time we got done cleaning her and changing her it was 9:45. I am alreafdy not completely comfortable having to be around a 92 nude woman especially covered in feces. I completely lost my appetite and just went up to bed. I vented to my fiance and she just got upset. I am trying to make her understand that I am not mad at her or at "grammy" , I am just mad at this situation. I am relgious, I am feeling a lot of frustration with God. I do not understand why he is letting her suffer when she feels ready to go home. I guess what I am getting at is that I feel very bad. I am feeling a resentment towards her grandmother (I can't help feeling this way, I don't want to feel this way). I am very frustrated with the rest of her family. The stay with her during the day but it all of the hardest things happen at night. Her father doesn't do any of the hard care. He moves her occasionally and will cook for her sometimes. Her brother comes to visit and has only helped us once, but he gets treated like he walks on water when he is around. Her aunt who comes down on the weekends to give us a break, she is borderline useless never really gives us a break because she can not do anything by herself. She woke me up at 3:30 in the morning so I could move grammy literally 3 inches up in the bed. We went away for two days to get a break and her aunt still texted us questions "where is this, where is that?". She could not even honor our wishes to let us decompress for 2 gosh darn day. The other grandchildren barely visit, 90% of the care falls on us.

If you have stuck with this so far, I am wondering if I am a jerk for feeling like this? If I am please tell me,. I am open to constructive criticism. I do love grammy. She is one of the best human beings I have ever met in my life. I do not have the same bond with her that her family does. She raised them. I have only known her for two years. I am sorry for venting and ranting so long winded. I am just at my whits end and I need some advice, Please help!!


Venting helps!!

Why did you think she only had a few days left? Where was she previously? If she is retaining so much water she should see her Dr or call 911... Good luck
She was in a rehab facility, then she went to the hospital for a while. She has been transitioning between hospitals and rehabs for the past year and a half. She has congestive heart failure, kidney failure and pulmonary hypertension. She is now back home on hospice care.
Speak to the hospice nurse in charge. Seek guidance on the water retention (is she on a diuretic?) Bring in an aide at night to give you some time to decompress, even if it is only a few nights a week. (Use Grammy's finances to pay for this)

Last (but not least) speak with your religious leader to seek a level of acceptance for the current situation. And perhaps your fiance can speak with the family about some overnight help. Neither side may truly understand what the other half is doing. They may be as frustrated as you and think they have the hardest part of things. The 'meeting' can be set up to share techniques and ideas of how to best assist the grandmother as everyone may have found at least one idea that works. And the day team should have learned some things from the hospice aides. (I assume you are getting an aide as part of hospice services, yes?) Good luck, walking with someone during their final days is both a blessing and a burden. Try to focus on making the grandmother comfortable and at peace. Keep us posted.
You are not a bad person for having these feelings. Resentments are natural and to be expected. Try to look at your time with the grandma as an early trial in your marriage. You will have many trials which become part of your history (a history that you will share with your soon to be wife). One day you will look back and see how the Lord guided you and used this difficult experience to teach you patience and grace........ and that will be invaluable to your marriage down the road. Try to see this time as a necessary gift to your future.
My wonderful husband died 4 years ago and we weathered many storms. The storms helped to define "us." I wouldn't trade a single second of our time together. Please appreciate that you have a partner at your side so you don't have to go through troubles alone. I miss my husband in every corner.
I am caretaker now for his mother and it is often terrible and yucky.
There have been many restless nights struggling with the Lord.........why can't my husband be here instead of his miserable mother? etc etc.
As I slowly ditch some of the anger.... it is better.
And I think God is pleased that I am starting to go with the flow.
Remember, gratitude is strength.
Resentments suck strength away.
Be strong for your fiancé.........and you will be pleasing the Lord.
You are nothing short of a saint in my book. There are MANY spouses of MANY years that would not do what you are doing. Do not beat yourself up, pat yourself on the back. You are awesome.

Nothing against grammy but you might be being taken advantage of by your fiance's family. That is another story for you and a counselor to work out. It is probably best to nip that kind of thing in the bud now.

You need professional help with grammy. There must be in home assistance or hospice care available. Call the nearest hospice and ask them, they are usually the most helpful amazing people ever. They can at least point you in the right direction.
You are feeling what ever other caregiver is feeling. It is called being a human being. There are hopice inpatient facilities available in some areas. If the grandmother qualifies for medicaid she could receive services to help ease the burden of her care. Calling your local Counsel on Aging might help you with other options.
I appreciate everyone's input and advice. We are truly blessed because grammy has the money and resources to get her taken care of, I feel somewhat better. Just being able to express my feelings on here was somewhat therapeutic. A very stressful work week just set off everything. Grammy has about 2-5 days left. She will be truly missed. I can sympathize with everyone on here. I feel good to know that there are other ones out here who can relate. As far as me being a saint, I doubt it. I am just a human but I was in a position to help. My grandmother died two years ago from vascular dementia. She was in a nursing home. I could not do a whole lot to help her. I am doing all of this as an act of love for my fiance and her family who for the most part are great people. I am also doing this as a tribute to my grandmother (nanny). I miss her very much and if I could go back in time I would have done more to help. God bless all of you people. I feel like I am amongst friends.Grammy has a nurse and aides who come a few times a week. They only come during the day.

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