Frustration, need to vent.
Please no judging because I feel an extreme guilt over this.
I am 26 and my fiance is 29
My fiance and I are the main caregivers for her dying 92 year old grandmother. When we agreed to do this, we were under the impression that she would only be alive for a few days to a week. Fast forward it has no been over a month. She probably only has a week or so left but the dr's have been wrong thus far. At first I was very nice and understanding. Now I have completely lost all of my patience. She is retaining fluid and now weighs about 230lbs. I am the only one who can move her. She is completely restless and wakes us up multiple times a night, just to scoot her around the bed. I work anywhere from 10-14 hours a day. I no longer look forward to going home quite frankly being home is harder than working. Last night I reached my breaking point. I worked from 5 am to 7pm. I got home at 730. I ordered chinese food for dinner. It came at about 8:15. My fiance and I were about to go up in our room and eat just to get alone time. We did our last nightly check on her grandma, We rolled her over to check her bed sore and she was completely covered in (loose) feces (sorry tmi). So obviously I wasn't having dinner after witnessing that. By the time we got done cleaning her and changing her it was 9:45. I am alreafdy not completely comfortable having to be around a 92 nude woman especially covered in feces. I completely lost my appetite and just went up to bed. I vented to my fiance and she just got upset. I am trying to make her understand that I am not mad at her or at "grammy" , I am just mad at this situation. I am relgious, I am feeling a lot of frustration with God. I do not understand why he is letting her suffer when she feels ready to go home. I guess what I am getting at is that I feel very bad. I am feeling a resentment towards her grandmother (I can't help feeling this way, I don't want to feel this way). I am very frustrated with the rest of her family. The stay with her during the day but it all of the hardest things happen at night. Her father doesn't do any of the hard care. He moves her occasionally and will cook for her sometimes. Her brother comes to visit and has only helped us once, but he gets treated like he walks on water when he is around. Her aunt who comes down on the weekends to give us a break, she is borderline useless never really gives us a break because she can not do anything by herself. She woke me up at 3:30 in the morning so I could move grammy literally 3 inches up in the bed. We went away for two days to get a break and her aunt still texted us questions "where is this, where is that?". She could not even honor our wishes to let us decompress for 2 gosh darn day. The other grandchildren barely visit, 90% of the care falls on us.
If you have stuck with this so far, I am wondering if I am a jerk for feeling like this? If I am please tell me,. I am open to constructive criticism. I do love grammy. She is one of the best human beings I have ever met in my life. I do not have the same bond with her that her family does. She raised them. I have only known her for two years. I am sorry for venting and ranting so long winded. I am just at my whits end and I need some advice, Please help!!