Frustrated with my mom! I am at the end of my rope!

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I don't know how to really begin this discussion because I am sooo confused and frustrated with my mom. I am new to this so bare with me. I am 41 years old, married with 2 boys and help care for my 72 year mom. For as long as I can remember my mom has been a hypocondreact (spelling?) and always going to the doctor for something she can treat over the counter. And now when she is really sick she won't go to the doctors and tells us, "I gotta feel better to go". Really?

And this situation with her has literally been going on for the last 15 years and in the last 4 months has been the worst of it all. She has more health issues to arise since May when she went to the hospital in a diabetic coma and they told us it would be a miracle if she made it through the weekend. She made it and I thank god for that miracle but she is worst more then ever now.

My mom is diagnois with (in order)Conjestive heart failure, COPD, Bronchitis/pneumonia, Kidney disease, Coronary disease, high bloodpressure/hypotension, Diabeties, and Anemia. She also has gout!

She won't stay in the hospital long enough to have tests done cause she raises all kinds of hell at the hospital to the point she refuses treatment. And THEY LET HER OUT! I know they can't hold her against her will.

I never know what I am gonna get with her! Sometimes I get mean mom and sometimes I get nice mom. I thinks she also has undiagnoised Borderline Personality disorder!! She doesn't tell us all the doctors say or she lies about what the doctor says. I confronted her yesterday about that. She tells me,"Yes I do tell you all what the doctors say!" I told her I am not arguing with you and no YOU DO NOT! She is the same way with my dad, and my dad takes the blunt from her.

I am trying to be a good daughter and do the right thing but I can't when she fights it all the way! I am tired of the guilt trips she gives me and then tells me that it is her life and her business to stay out of it. I said okay, just remember you said it!

When she was in the hospital back in May, before the ambulance was called. I did everything moved her, helped her to the potty, cause my dad had hernia surgery in April and wasn't suppose to lift anything over 40lbs. We didn't know this was a diabietic coma she was in cause this is the state she is always in right before we call the ems. But anyway, when she starts coming out of things. She tells me I am the wicked witch and I just want to fill her shoes. All because I called the ems. Long story short, she checked herself out and the realizes she wasn't ready to come home so we moved heaven and earth to get her back in and then after about 4 days she is starting her crap about coming home. She doesn't get nothing straighten out.

So she has been back in the hospital twice since then. On July 20th she was there over night when she pulled that crap. Then nine days later she was right back in there, and that is when they labeled her COPD. She was in there for 5 days and started the crap again. They want to do a test on her to figure out what to do about her heart because that is what is trigoring all these additional health problems. She has been nothing but mean and hateful to both me and my dad. She is emotionally and verbally abusive. And does not want to listen to anyone. Not the doctors, not me, and not my dad.

I love my mom with all my heart but she is wearing on my nervous. I know I have been rambling on this post and I may not have told all the story correctly but hopefully you will get the jist of things. My dad pulled POA on her this last time so she couldn't check her self out this time. And I don't know why dad didn't tell them to do the test? There is so much more to the story to tell but don't know really where to start! 15 years is alot to tell about. I am just giving you a small issue of the big picture.

She is always telling me she doesn't want to be a burden on me and I always tell her you are not a burden and that I do things I do for out of love and the kindness of my heart. But this last time she told me she would not ask for my help. I said okay! So she calls me last night and hints around about having to make a doctor appointment. She thought I would just volunteer to take her like I have always done in the past. She pegged me wrong. I made her ASK ME!

Thanks for hearing me ramble on! If you got any questions or some type of advice it would be greatly appreciated. Cause I am tired and like I am at the end of my rope!

39 Comments

Oh I forgot to tell that I live three houses up from my parents so I am always running down there to help out.
KimC-you sound justifiably frustrated and exhausted. I'm sorry for you and dad. I'm not sure what your most pressing need is at the moment. I would suggest you begin thinking about ways you can begin to set and maintain boundaries w ur mom. And, get some rest. Honestly, I would unplug the phone and rest for starters. When u r ready to resume interacting, get honest with her. Be kind but firm; stop playing HER game. Take charge: something like "mom, I know you have been feeling bad. Your doc wants to figure out how to help you. To do that they need to do some testing but u keep preventing this. It's normal to be scared or nervous, but you are making ur self worse and creating stress for dad and I too. This has to change. I am still willing to help you get better, AND I am asking u to put as much effort into getting ur self better as the rest of us have been. You get demanding and mean to me: I am no longer willing to be treated that way. I am asking you to get the tests completed that dr has recommended. You tell us things that don't make sense so I am asking you to sign a release for the doctor and hospital to be able to discuss your treatment plan and progress, so that we can help you effectively, and know u r doing ur part as well. I have children to care for, and myself. I am not willing to continue wearing myself out running in circles and you not getting any better. This is wearing on dad too. So Im asking u to step up to the plate and do somethings differently. Will you change the way you helpyour self, so we can all move forward? My kids r missing fun y
Years w their grandma. Mom may step up-more likely she will test u. This is when u must show her thru ur actions, and standing ur ground that u r not playing. DO NOT GIVE IN. Help her ONLY if she does what u have spelled out as to what you r willing to accept. U will need support to do this. Keep coming back here, and consider some counseling for Xtra support. Remember when Lisa told her mother she'd leave if she was ugly? And she did. U have to take a similar tactic w mom. Also, read some books on borderline PD and or setting boundaries. good luck, let us know how u r doing. Kimbee
Thanks Kimbee! I will take the approach you have suggested. My most pressing need at the moment is support and to know that I am not alone in this situation. My dad has already taken the approach of leaving her room when she starts being mean and saying she wants to go home. And I have done that as well. I have read the book , "stop walking on eggshells." And I will continue to find more reading material as well. My dad has a durable poa but I need to make sure he uses that to the full power. I am afraid my dad will be a lay down. I am trying to stay strong. And thanks for the support!! Will keep everyone posted.
Welcome to AC KimC! Thanks for taking the time to read my thread. I bet you are thinking, like I did, how will I ever be able to tell my story because there is so much to tell? As all the kick ass girls tell me, take a deep breath. You've made a great start. Then I bet your gonna think, like I did, that some of the things you post here that they are never gonna believe all this.. but we will. Guess why? Because we may not all have the exact thing happening, but a lot of us are living thru some or all of the very situation you are living. I'm going to have lots I want to add, and I'll be back often. I'm still feeling bad from this sinus/cold. But I need to comment on what kimbee said about setting boundaries. Listen to her. that was,to me, the best advice our friends have given me. Don't take the verbal abuse. Your going to find setting those boundaries is so dam hard. You'll find yourself feeling great because you took 3 steps forward, only the next day take 5 steps back. And that's ok. Come back here and everyone here will help you get back on track. I'll be checking in later. Welcome new friend! Lisa
Kim C u r def not alone here! It takes a while til people see n respond to ur posts, but I know you'll get lots of support. Many of us have had similar situations, and people r at all different stages of the many challenges of caregiving parents. Stay honest w mom, and remove ur self if/when she becomes abusive. View those behaviors as if she is a 2 yr old having a temper tantrum! Hang in there - we'll b here for u! And thanks for reading lisa's whole thread-amazing huh?
Hi KimC: Glad you found AC and have started your own thread. It sounds like your mom is scared. As you mentioned, she as always been one to run to doctors all her life, but now she resists everything they say. It may be that she is truly afraid she will end of in a nursing home because she realizes her health issues are serious.

Her comment to you, "You just want to fill my shoes" makes me feel she is angry because she is losing control. Maybe she's been use to being the boss all her life and pulling the strings. Now she's afraid she is losing her power over others, her health and life in general. She's going to be more angry and accusatory as a result. It could also be she is showing some signs of dementia.

None of this is NOT YOUR FAULT. I agree with Kimbee that you should have a discussion with your mom, describe the manner in which you are willing to be involved in her care and keep to those boundaries. Not always easy, but if you can do what Lisa and Kimbee have suggested, you may get her attention. You are there to help her, but there is nothing you can do if she refuses to cooperate in getting her health issues resolved.

How does your dad feel about this? It's interesting that he could use his authority as POA. Often that is not possible if the person (your mom) is considered of sound mind. Maybe that's why he couldn't order the test.

You said your mom has had occasions when she has slipped into a diabetic coma. Is this because she is not managing her medications or continues to eat the wrong things?

My heart goes out to you. Please stay in touch. We are hear to give you support and learn more about your circumstances.

Lots of hugs, Cattails

((((((Hug))))))) KimC1211 - welcome -I donp;t have mucxh to add to the ladies above, but I d have a narcissistic BPD mum and have founf i\ have to set firm boundaries. regarding lots of things. I don't stay and take the verbal abuse any more.- kjust walk away. You have good advice about tests etc, I suppose she has the right to refuse them, but them she has to live with the consequences - a bit of tough love does well here. Sounds like essentially an intervention has been suggested. I think you can count on her testing you - it is the nature of the beast. Set your limits, your conditions and stick to them,and don't let any FOG - fear guilt or obligation sway you..

(((((((hugs))))))) Joan
Thanks to all you ladies!
Lisa, ur story is an amazing one!! When I was reading the threads I cried, I laughed, I cheered for you!!! Today I have started setting boundaries with mom. She asked me if I was mad at her, I told her no I am not mad but very very hurt by her actions.

Kimbee, I have told my dad when she behaves this way it is like have a 2 year old again. I am setting the boundaries.

Cattails, u hit the nail on the head about my mom with loosing her control. Mom has always been a control freak and she is loosing that control and she can't handle that! About the POA, that was done back 2008 when she was of sound mind. They did that incase something like this happens. It is a Durable POA but I am not sure if without them actually labeling her not of sound mind, if dad could push for the test. I am a little confused on that. So I will have to do some checking on that. On the subject of mom's diabetic coma, that was the first time and she was not checking her sugar count like she was suppose to or blood pressure. Her reason for that was because she didn't feel good. I told her then that should be the reason TO Check it often like she should! And at that time the doctor was treating her diabeties in pill form, since the coma they have taken her off that and is now on insulin. On that trip to the hospital (coma) one of the doctors told me he believes mom has the start of dementia but I am not sure if he wrote that down in her chart. The last two trips to the hospital where for her breathing. She didn't stay long enough to let them help her or diagnios, then this last time she was diagnios with COPD. They have changed some of her meds around and she is not happy about that. And she is not clear on why they are doing it. I told her if she had stayed calm long enough for them to explain it to her she would know why!

Joan, I am prepared for her testing me, I hope. Every once in while she will throw a curve ball at me and I hope I recover fast. Haha. I know I shouldn't laugh but it helps.

Had a lady call me from the hospital about home care therapy. Very nice lady, and she wanted to verify the address and phone to where mom will be going home to so she could schedule a visit. I asked her to repeat that just to make sure I heard her correctly. She did and added going home to when she will be released. I told her mom was released Saturday, the 4th. Her paper work said she wasn't supposed to be released till the 10th of August. I verified the address and told her I lived three houses up from my parents and gave her my dads cell number. And she asked if I could be listed as an emergency contact. I told her yes cause that is what I am suppose to be. I thought OH BOY, what has mom done now. I will keep you all posted on this. Not exactly sure what is going on at this point.

Thanks again Kick Ass Girls!!!! Kim ((((((((HUGS)))))))
Kim: I think it is important that every time your mom is hospitalized she gets a review for dementia. Your father should ask for that because I'm not sure you have the authority to do so. So you and your dad have to work together. He should ask and be sure it IS noted in her chart. Also, I would hope your dad can talk to your mom's personal doctor by phone or private consultation.

I don't know what kind of doc your mom has or if she is willing to change, but her doc should be willing to make a referral to a geriatric doc who specializes in dementia or refer you to the proper specialist.

This is one step at a time and your dad does have to be on board. He may not want to do something that will make her angry as he may be use to taking a passive role. It's just something to talk about with him. Plant some seeds, etc.

Keep us posted. Love, Cat
Welcome Kim, are you sure you aren't talking about my dad???? Only thing is, once he got to the hospital, he wanted to stay.... they finally told him it was time for a NH or AL because they did not run a boarding house for attention seekers... OH MY but he was pissed.... he had very few health problems, but a few undiganoised mental ones....
Most of the time I would leave when he would start getting stupid, but his particular time, he was in the ER, they were busy with REAL patients and didn't get to him as fast as he thought they should.... I think that time he was withdrawing from pain meds... anyway, he wanted to be straightened up in the bed, I was going thru the motions of leveling the bed, he was a big man, not easy to move, and he started bellowing like a wounded moose..... I got right up to his ear, and said... SHUT UP!!! JUST SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE!!!!! It shocked him so bad he actually shut up... the nurse has stuck her head in, I gave her a thumbs up, she smiled and left....
I got to where I rarely went anymore because it was 'little boy crying wolf', he finally went to AL, didn't play his step and fetch it games then either... the family is still trying to say I didn't do my part... Yes I did, I just did it different than them...
NO VERBAL ABUSE accepted.... you are getting off on the right foot... you are not alone.... so keep coming back, letting us know how things are for you... we are here for you.... hang tight to your butt.... it may not get better right away, but it will get different.... you are an awesome daughter for putting up with it as long as you have... so remind yourself often of Lisa's story.... she is a pure inspiration for all of us.... so sending you hugs, angels and chocolate... we can use all of the above.....

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