Frustrated with my mom! I am at the end of my rope!

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I don't know how to really begin this discussion because I am sooo confused and frustrated with my mom. I am new to this so bare with me. I am 41 years old, married with 2 boys and help care for my 72 year mom. For as long as I can remember my mom has been a hypocondreact (spelling?) and always going to the doctor for something she can treat over the counter. And now when she is really sick she won't go to the doctors and tells us, "I gotta feel better to go". Really?

And this situation with her has literally been going on for the last 15 years and in the last 4 months has been the worst of it all. She has more health issues to arise since May when she went to the hospital in a diabetic coma and they told us it would be a miracle if she made it through the weekend. She made it and I thank god for that miracle but she is worst more then ever now.

My mom is diagnois with (in order)Conjestive heart failure, COPD, Bronchitis/pneumonia, Kidney disease, Coronary disease, high bloodpressure/hypotension, Diabeties, and Anemia. She also has gout!

She won't stay in the hospital long enough to have tests done cause she raises all kinds of hell at the hospital to the point she refuses treatment. And THEY LET HER OUT! I know they can't hold her against her will.

I never know what I am gonna get with her! Sometimes I get mean mom and sometimes I get nice mom. I thinks she also has undiagnoised Borderline Personality disorder!! She doesn't tell us all the doctors say or she lies about what the doctor says. I confronted her yesterday about that. She tells me,"Yes I do tell you all what the doctors say!" I told her I am not arguing with you and no YOU DO NOT! She is the same way with my dad, and my dad takes the blunt from her.

I am trying to be a good daughter and do the right thing but I can't when she fights it all the way! I am tired of the guilt trips she gives me and then tells me that it is her life and her business to stay out of it. I said okay, just remember you said it!

When she was in the hospital back in May, before the ambulance was called. I did everything moved her, helped her to the potty, cause my dad had hernia surgery in April and wasn't suppose to lift anything over 40lbs. We didn't know this was a diabietic coma she was in cause this is the state she is always in right before we call the ems. But anyway, when she starts coming out of things. She tells me I am the wicked witch and I just want to fill her shoes. All because I called the ems. Long story short, she checked herself out and the realizes she wasn't ready to come home so we moved heaven and earth to get her back in and then after about 4 days she is starting her crap about coming home. She doesn't get nothing straighten out.

So she has been back in the hospital twice since then. On July 20th she was there over night when she pulled that crap. Then nine days later she was right back in there, and that is when they labeled her COPD. She was in there for 5 days and started the crap again. They want to do a test on her to figure out what to do about her heart because that is what is trigoring all these additional health problems. She has been nothing but mean and hateful to both me and my dad. She is emotionally and verbally abusive. And does not want to listen to anyone. Not the doctors, not me, and not my dad.

I love my mom with all my heart but she is wearing on my nervous. I know I have been rambling on this post and I may not have told all the story correctly but hopefully you will get the jist of things. My dad pulled POA on her this last time so she couldn't check her self out this time. And I don't know why dad didn't tell them to do the test? There is so much more to the story to tell but don't know really where to start! 15 years is alot to tell about. I am just giving you a small issue of the big picture.

She is always telling me she doesn't want to be a burden on me and I always tell her you are not a burden and that I do things I do for out of love and the kindness of my heart. But this last time she told me she would not ask for my help. I said okay! So she calls me last night and hints around about having to make a doctor appointment. She thought I would just volunteer to take her like I have always done in the past. She pegged me wrong. I made her ASK ME!

Thanks for hearing me ramble on! If you got any questions or some type of advice it would be greatly appreciated. Cause I am tired and like I am at the end of my rope!

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I responded to this discussion back in 2014. And I had started my own discussion board back in August 2012, Frustrated with my mom! I am at the end of my rope! Caregiving is never easy and I did it for mom for many years with the help of my dad. After my posting on this discussion board in 2014, she went home from the hospital and continued to fall till it was to much for my dad and I to handle. Plus she was not taking her meds correctly. She was readmitted into the hospital January 7 of this year. She was then diagnosed with Dementia with Behavioral Disturbances. For months before that her legs have been swelling cause she was fighting a UTI, and the antibotics where not working with her but against her. Her health was on a repaid decline from here on out. For two months of being pushed around to different types of hospitals, she was put in a nursing home under Hospice. My mom passed away on February 21st, 2015. She has had numerous of health issues through out the last several years. She is no longer in pain or suffering. As I said before caregiving is not easy but no matter how hard it was on me, I did everything I could for my mom to the best of my capablitiy and I don't regret on singal moment of it or the time I was able to spend with her. Though we had to make some very tough desicions for the best care choices for her with many recommendations. I admire everyone one of you!!!
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Last time I posted anything was in 2012, has it really been that long ago. Feels like it was only yesterday. The last 4 weeks have been pure He** for me. I slipped back in the mode of running everytime my mom calls for help. Mom had a really doozie of a trip to the hospital last week. She wanted to go to the hospital! She has been on an oxygen concentrator since April 2013 and was only suppose to use it while she slept. But she didn't, she wanted to use it 24/7. We have all tried to explain to her that she will get hooked. She claims she doesn't remember it was only for sleep. Anyway. The trip to the hospital was due to her claim she couldn't she wasn't getting any oxygen and was in pain and she felt like she was gonna pass out. She wanted an ambulance to be called. Two hours after arriving in the ER she is wanting to go home. That was 7 day hospital stay, which she was not ready to come home. She was mean and ugly and verbally attacked my dad and I and even the nurses. She even called 911 and the police came out there. Needless to say she claims she doesn't remember any of this.

I am just so frustrated right now that I don't even know how to put any of this into words. They gave us 4 options on what to do about mom. (1) hospital stay for a month, (2) a rehab, (3) a nursing facitlity, or (4) take her home and have home healthcare come in. My dad on the ride up to the hospital to meet with the doctor my dad told me what he wanted to do if it was a choice. So I don't know why he needed me there. He chose the last option and I told him he should only bring her home if there was already something set in place as far as home health care. He didn't of course.

She has accused me of not wanting her home, of wanting to put her away, of stealing from her, and all kinds of threats. I don't want to see either of my parents in a home. Then when I went down there a couple of days after she got home to checkn on her. As soon as she saw me she started screaming like a 2 year old and was trying to hide under the covers. I told my dad, that was it I can't handle anymore of this.

Then she calls me a couple of days later, asking for my help. I asked her where is dad. She gives me a vague answer, so I go down there. Talked her out of what she was wanting to do. Then she asked me If I had talked to my sister, cause she has been calling her and my sister won't return her calls. My mom and my sister has not spokening in almost 3 years cause of some nasty things my mom has sad and a done to her. She still runs my sister down to her kids. I am like OH I SEE you can't get no one to your side of things. I did not tell her that. But she used to do that all of my life. When she was mad at one of us, she would call the other and talk bad about who ever she was mad at.

I could go on on and on about this situation. But I just needed to vent. I miss everyone here! I feel ashamed of myself for not keeping in touch.
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So sorry it being a while since I have posted anything. Mom is still mom. Mom has been losing her hair for years. But now she is now loosing her hair at an alarming rate. She thinks it is the insulin she is on but I don't think so. I looked up possible causes and found two of her meds she has been on for years that could cause hair lose and the insulin is not causeing hair lose but the uncontrollable blood sugar levels (the up and down, up and down) and it could be her thyroid. She still has more bad days then good.

I still trying to keep my distance from her but not totally alienate her. I have recently completed to projects. Redid my sons bedroom and redid the bathroom and still do the house work and cooking and run a business. And I have recently join a Gym to get my self in shape and away from the house for about an hour at least twice week. I am trying to let the stress just roll off my back. And I try not to let my mom guilt me because I don't see her as often but doesn't mean she doesn't try. Let it roll off my back. And doesn't mean I love her any less just means I have to love myself first.
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Kimbee, how's mom? I'm still doing ok - just wanted to check in. Karen
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Hi Kim; So glad that you are able to share your heart here - after I read a really good book regarding setting boundaries I tried a few other things as well. Now when one of my "charges" wants help/procedure/appointment whatever - I have them either write me a note or read & sign a note I write. Then when we get to Dr., lab etc - and they argue about me "dragging" them there or not wanting the test - I simply acknowledge their fear/concern & say - but this is what you asked me to do so I'll be right here, lets get through it & then we'll go home & discuss what the next steps might be. Hope it helps - you are not alone, just do the best you can & sleep well knowing you can love & you can help but you can't fix old age, unfortunately it is something most of us will have to go thru.
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LabRat: I do understand what ur saying about checking the sugar count. And she also feels bad when her blood pressure is low too. So she is has to check both of those things on a regular basis, Which she is suppose to be doing that anyway.

Carmen: I too hate to see my mom in this state to once be a strong person. And my mom too has ALWAYS been negative. When she is really down and sick she repeatedly ask why doesn't god just take her? Or why don't you just let me die? I know when she says that she is really suffering. It makes me feel sad when she says that but I do understand she is tired of suffering. It is like she is giving up on life. Like mom when she goes to the doctor she tells me he doesn't know what he is talking about. I just tell her most know something cause he went to school for this type of job. I hear Utah is a very beautiful place. Prayers and Hugs your way!

October: Thanks!

Caryn: No you are correct, we can not do this alone. I am sorry to hear about your mom. No you are right again, we can't force them do test or treatments and that is sad. We all have to take time for ourselves in this battle we face. If we don't we will loose sight of ourselves. Ur welcome. Hugs!
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I am new to this forum but not new to this frustration. So many great words have been said, standing your ground and speaking your truth are critical. My Mom has been crippled with rumitoid arthritis 30 yrs and manic depression for 40 yrs. the mental side has been the hardest. I have been involved in recovery groups for 20 yrs it is what keeps me from loosing it. We can not do this alone. In my experience I have found that durable power of atty and medical pow of atty and HIPPA release forms have limited powers unless she is declared imcompitant or incapacitated. I have all these for my Mom and the doctors talk to me, she doesn't drive so I take her to all her doctors, but I can't force her to do treatments if she does not want them. I have to remember these are her choices but I do not have to support her if I believe they are bad choices. I know in my community ther are caregiver support groups, some times it helps to get a physical hug. That being said this forum is great. I to was at the end of my rope with Mom last night so your note helped me get back on track myself. Thanks
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Like my mom, your mom is living inside her mind and believing her own thoughts. It seems we all do and that's the insanity of the human race.

Whenever you're feeling those feelings that are tearing you apart, try to come back to the present moment. Ask yourself "what's my problem right now?"

Then deal with the problem (if there is one) right now, and if not (probably more common) relax and know that being centered right now will stop your suffering.

My favorite thought.....If you are depressed you're living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are living in peace you are living in the present.
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KimC.... Funny, I think I have her twin as a mother. LOL My mother has CHF, COPD, Diabetes, neuropathy from the diabetes and the beginning of Dementia. She can be so sweet and then very irrate and think we are doing something against her: taking her money, being untruthful, etc. I love my mother with all my heart. She has always been the rock in our family that has kept us close. I hate to see my mom in this state. She asks God to take her home every day. She has always been negative but now is really bad. When she does ask us to take her to the doctors, she never does what they tell her to do. She thinks they are all deceitful people. When we go to the hospital for an emergency, she also won't let them do tests. What is the purpose of going to the ER or doctor's office if she isn't going to take their advice? Anyway, that is my mom. My mom lives with me and is at 4 months now. I live in Utah so the altitude is doing a number on her. She always asks why I brought her here to this awful place where she needs to wear o2 24/7. This is where my husband's job is. Utah is gorgeous. Our home overlooks the mountains. She is legally blind and can't even enjoy the mountains. I know God has a plan for all of us but sometimes you wonder why our parents have to go thru all the suffering. Their work on this Earth must not be finished. Keeping the faith that my mom will be at peace one day and that her suffering will cease. I love my mother so much and miss the person she used to be. Please take care of yourself because your mind and body can go downhill very quickly. Prayers and hugs...)
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Just one more thing, I'd like to add. Check to make sure her blood sugar is not too high. (or low for that matter) It causes a severe change in personality and an uncontrollable rage sometimes.
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